The joke thread - Page 270

Jimbuna · 05-31-13, 08:59 AM

Had a massive fight with my Greek wife in the kitchen earlier.

Unsmashed plates all over the place now.

BossMark · 05-31-13, 09:42 AM

There are times when I wish I'd never got married.

AM and PM.

Jimbuna · 05-31-13, 09:54 AM

I saw a lady parking in the pay and display car park just as I was leaving.

"Do you want a ticket?" I asked her, handing out mine.

"Yes please she said" smiling.

"No worries, if you go to that machine over there you can buy one exactly like this one" I said, showing her mine.

BossMark · 05-31-13, 11:01 AM

"But I think its that I remember that you had two little boys"

"Objection!"

"Sustained"

"Prosecuting counsel please do not sing questions to Mr Harris"

Jimbuna · 05-31-13, 11:06 AM

My new job as a street litter collector is going well, I am picking it up as I go along ..

BossMark · 05-31-13, 01:24 PM

I wrote to Andrex last night wrongly accusing them of false advertising on their toilet rolls as they stated 120 sheets. It was my mistake though, As I thought it said "Enough For"

frau kaleun · 05-31-13, 01:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BossMark

I wrote to Andrex last night wrongly accusing them of false advertising on their toilet rolls as they stated 120 sheets. It was my mistake though, As I thought it said "Enough For"

Reminds me of this:

Jimbuna · 05-31-13, 02:30 PM

As I answered the door last night my wife shouted, "If that's Dave tell him your not going out, it's my night out tonight."

Laughing he said, "Sounds like someone's under the thumb."

I said, "Give it 10 minutes, she'll change her mind."

He said, "Are you sure?"

I said, "Positive, I've just made her a coffee and popped a few laxatives in it."

BossMark · 06-01-13, 02:30 AM

A friend of mine caught a massive shark, despite losing both arms.

I asked how big it was and he said: "It was this..... Oh... crap."

Jimbuna · 06-01-13, 06:43 AM

My broadband provider has told me that I've exceeded my limit.

Serves me right for trying to download a picture of my wife.

BossMark · 06-01-13, 06:46 AM

My boss at the post office hauled me into his office.

I could tell by his face that he wasn't a fan of origami.

Jimbuna · 06-01-13, 06:58 AM

I knew a bloke once who had severe narcolepsy, but he still managed to become senior lift attendant in a large office block.

I reckon he must have slept his way to the top.

BossMark · 06-01-13, 07:18 AM

The alien leader stared at his crew with pride. "We've travelled thousands of light years to arrive at our objective. Nothing can stop us, the most technologically advanced species, from achieving our mission."

"Now, let's go make some crop circles."

Jimbuna · 06-01-13, 07:28 AM

It looks as if logic has gone out the window again.

With a name like that you would think he'd use a door.

BossMark · 06-01-13, 08:01 AM

I was on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and had won £50000. Chris Tarrant then asked what I would do with my money:

"Last year my wife and I went on a cruise to the Indian Ocean and we loved it, 50000 is enough for a new yacht, Chris".

"OK, the next one will take you to £75000, any plans for that?" he asked.

"I'll probably pay the £20000 ransom to get my wife back from Somalia."

05-31-13, 08:59 AM	#4036
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,380 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Had a massive fight with my Greek wife in the kitchen earlier. Unsmashed plates all over the place now. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

05-31-13, 09:42 AM	#4037
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	There are times when I wish I'd never got married. AM and PM. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

05-31-13, 09:54 AM	#4038
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,380 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I saw a lady parking in the pay and display car park just as I was leaving. "Do you want a ticket?" I asked her, handing out mine. "Yes please she said" smiling. "No worries, if you go to that machine over there you can buy one exactly like this one" I said, showing her mine. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

05-31-13, 11:01 AM	#4039
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	"But I think its that I remember that you had two little boys" "Objection!" "Sustained" "Prosecuting counsel please do not sing questions to Mr Harris" __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

05-31-13, 11:06 AM	#4040
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,380 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My new job as a street litter collector is going well, I am picking it up as I go along .. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

05-31-13, 01:24 PM	#4041
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I wrote to Andrex last night wrongly accusing them of false advertising on their toilet rolls as they stated 120 sheets. It was my mistake though, As I thought it said "Enough For" __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

05-31-13, 02:30 PM	#4043
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,380 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	As I answered the door last night my wife shouted, "If that's Dave tell him your not going out, it's my night out tonight." Laughing he said, "Sounds like someone's under the thumb." I said, "Give it 10 minutes, she'll change her mind." He said, "Are you sure?" I said, "Positive, I've just made her a coffee and popped a few laxatives in it." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

06-01-13, 02:30 AM	#4044
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A friend of mine caught a massive shark, despite losing both arms. I asked how big it was and he said: "It was this..... Oh... crap." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

06-01-13, 06:43 AM	#4045
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,380 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My broadband provider has told me that I've exceeded my limit. Serves me right for trying to download a picture of my wife. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

06-01-13, 06:46 AM	#4046
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My boss at the post office hauled me into his office. I could tell by his face that he wasn't a fan of origami. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

06-01-13, 06:58 AM	#4047
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,380 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I knew a bloke once who had severe narcolepsy, but he still managed to become senior lift attendant in a large office block. I reckon he must have slept his way to the top. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

06-01-13, 07:18 AM	#4048
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	The alien leader stared at his crew with pride. "We've travelled thousands of light years to arrive at our objective. Nothing can stop us, the most technologically advanced species, from achieving our mission." "Now, let's go make some crop circles." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

06-01-13, 07:28 AM	#4049
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,380 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	It looks as if logic has gone out the window again. With a name like that you would think he'd use a door. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

06-01-13, 08:01 AM	#4050
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I was on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and had won £50000. Chris Tarrant then asked what I would do with my money: "Last year my wife and I went on a cruise to the Indian Ocean and we loved it, 50000 is enough for a new yacht, Chris". "OK, the next one will take you to £75000, any plans for that?" he asked. "I'll probably pay the £20000 ransom to get my wife back from Somalia." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now