The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

My wife is getting on my nerves always nicking the duvet in the middle of the night.

I'm gonna have to start locking my bedroom door.

[BossMark]

The blonde woman sitting opposite me on the train this morning was staring at her crossword for over an hour, so eventually I leant across and said, "Can I help?"

"Hopefully," she smiled, "Have you got a pen?"

[Jimbuna]

Ryanair have announced further cuts in air fares after successfully saving hundreds of thousands in fuel costs with the introduction of measures that substantially reduce the weight each aircraft has to carry.

I think their stewardesses will look better with no make-up.

[BossMark]

The USA, China and North Korea want to raise the Titanic.

The USA is interested in any gold, precious stones and antiques on board.

China is obviously interested in the technical know-how.

North Korea is interested in the band that kept playing when everything looked bloody hopeless.

[Jimbuna]

I got talking to an Irish bloke in the pub last night and eventually the conversation got around to what we both did for a living.

"I'm currently working part time while going to uni" I said.

"Ah, sounds grand" he replied "I work for DeBeers"

"Wow, the diamond company?" I asked

"No" he slurred "I'll tarmac your drive for a six pack"

[BossMark]

Driving home from the pub earlier, we were pulled over by a Police Car.
"Everything alright officer?" I asked.
"Not really sir," he replied, "Your car was weaving across the road in a very uncontrolled manner."
"What do you expect?" I said, "I've had eight pints."
He laughed, "In that case, I fully understand why you let your wife drive home."

[garren]

A boy was born with a crumpled up and deformed left arm. He prayed to God one night, "God, please make my arm like the other one." And that's when he got his wish - His right arm crumpled up and became deformed as well.

[Jimbuna]

There was list of self made British Millionaires in the news earlier but I don't think it was very accurate, Ronnie Biggs wasn't on it...

[BossMark]

I paid a fortune for a parrot that can do ventriloquism.

He's so funny.

Yesterday he made my mate say, "You've been conned."

[Jimbuna]

People say dolphins are the most intelligent mammals other than humans, and I'm starting to believe it's true.
Within a week of being in captivity, they can train someone to stand by their pool and give them a fish.

[Platapus]

Why does a prostitute charge more for anal sex than oral sex? The hole is worth more than the hum of your parts.

[BossMark]

Turned down a ticket for tonight's Champions League final. If I wanted to see that many Germans in one place, I'd go to Mallorca all inclusive.

[Jimbuna]

Brought my mate round the house for dinner last night, and the wife was not happy.

"My hair isn't done, the house is a mess, the dishes are dirty and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why did you bring him home for?"

"He's thinking of getting married."

[BossMark]

Reasons I failed my exams:

History: I got the date wrong
Geography: I turned up to the wrong classroom
Chemistry: I couldn't find the solution
Biology: I had a headache
Physics: I was forced into it
Maths: I took the wrong angle
English: I didn't understand the question
French: I had deja vu
Art: I just couldn't picture it
Drama: I was acting like a child
Religion: I didn't have the spirit
I.T: I couldn't process the question

[Simmy]

Two Jehovah Witnesses walking down the street see a drunk staggering around on the corner. So they walk up and one says, Sir would you like to be a Jehovah Witness? The drunk looks at them and says, hell lady I didn't even see the accident.