The joke thread - Page 265

BossMark · 05-22-13, 07:19 AM

Wayne Rooney has named his son Klay Anthony Rooney.

Wayne said his initials spell out where he was conceived

Jimbuna · 05-22-13, 09:10 AM

I gave up my seat for a heavily pregnant woman today.

"You sit here, luv." I said.

"Thanks," she replied, "But what are you doing in the ladies toilets?"

BossMark · 05-22-13, 10:42 AM

Wayne Rooney has denied that he ever made an official transfer request, adding that he asked for stickers and not transfers.

Jimbuna · 05-22-13, 11:27 AM

Today I read the headline:

Fruit lorry crashes on motorway - creates jam

Platapus · 05-22-13, 03:54 PM

I came home one day and told the wife

"Great news! I won the lottery. Pack your bags!"

She said "Shall I pack beach wear or city wear?"

"I don't care which, just get out!"

Jimbuna · 05-22-13, 03:56 PM

Wayne Rooney's newborn son Klay, was named in honour of his father.

Thick and difficult to work with.

Platapus · 05-22-13, 03:57 PM

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season.

But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

Jimbuna · 05-22-13, 04:00 PM

I was listening to Pink Floyd earlier, In the garden.

I kept sneezing and my eyes started to itch.

I thought, Hay Fever, Leave my Lids alone.

BossMark · 05-23-13, 05:14 AM

What happens when you give women equal rights and allow them to make decisions?

Klay, Brooklyn and Apple.

Thanks Hemline Pankhurst.

Jimbuna · 05-23-13, 05:18 AM

I remember going to see Dr. Hook in the 70s.

Worst prostate exam ever.

BossMark · 05-23-13, 07:17 AM

Me and some friends are going off to shoot some cheap antique vases with a rifle later on.

We're going bargain hunting

Jimbuna · 05-23-13, 05:45 PM

I fainted in the curry house when I heard REM had split up.

That's me in the korma.

BossMark · 05-24-13, 01:05 AM

After weeks of receiving virtually non-stop 'phone calls from a double glazing company, I finally got them to stop.

I agreed to having a conservatory installed.

Should have seen the look on the faces of the buggers who came to put it up, I live in a top-floor flat.

Jimbuna · 05-24-13, 04:47 AM

My wife asked me to make her a list of all the food we'd need for her parents anniversary party so I wrote

Eye, donut, carrot, all...

BossMark · 05-24-13, 05:09 AM

I'm thinking of getting a tattoo saying, "I'll regret this one day".

05-22-13, 07:19 AM	#3961
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Wayne Rooney has named his son Klay Anthony Rooney. Wayne said his initials spell out where he was conceived __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

05-22-13, 09:10 AM	#3962
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,124 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I gave up my seat for a heavily pregnant woman today. "You sit here, luv." I said. "Thanks," she replied, "But what are you doing in the ladies toilets?" __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

05-22-13, 10:42 AM	#3963
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Wayne Rooney has denied that he ever made an official transfer request, adding that he asked for stickers and not transfers. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

05-22-13, 11:27 AM	#3964
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,124 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Today I read the headline: Fruit lorry crashes on motorway - creates jam __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

05-22-13, 03:54 PM	#3965
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,405 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	I came home one day and told the wife "Great news! I won the lottery. Pack your bags!" She said "Shall I pack beach wear or city wear?" "I don't care which, just get out!" __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

05-22-13, 03:56 PM	#3966
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,124 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Wayne Rooney's newborn son Klay, was named in honour of his father. Thick and difficult to work with. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

05-22-13, 03:57 PM	#3967
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,405 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

05-22-13, 04:00 PM	#3968
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,124 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I was listening to Pink Floyd earlier, In the garden. I kept sneezing and my eyes started to itch. I thought, Hay Fever, Leave my Lids alone. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

05-23-13, 05:14 AM	#3969
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	What happens when you give women equal rights and allow them to make decisions? Klay, Brooklyn and Apple. Thanks Hemline Pankhurst. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

05-23-13, 05:18 AM	#3970
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,124 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I remember going to see Dr. Hook in the 70s. Worst prostate exam ever. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

05-23-13, 07:17 AM	#3971
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Me and some friends are going off to shoot some cheap antique vases with a rifle later on. We're going bargain hunting __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

05-23-13, 05:45 PM	#3972
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,124 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I fainted in the curry house when I heard REM had split up. That's me in the korma. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

05-24-13, 01:05 AM	#3973
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	After weeks of receiving virtually non-stop 'phone calls from a double glazing company, I finally got them to stop. I agreed to having a conservatory installed. Should have seen the look on the faces of the buggers who came to put it up, I live in a top-floor flat. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

05-24-13, 04:47 AM	#3974
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,124 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My wife asked me to make her a list of all the food we'd need for her parents anniversary party so I wrote Eye, donut, carrot, all... __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

05-24-13, 05:09 AM	#3975
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I'm thinking of getting a tattoo saying, "I'll regret this one day". __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now