The joke thread - Page 262

BossMark · 05-13-13, 11:31 AM

A woman walks into work late and her boss starts going mental.

"You're two hours bloody late!" he yelled. "Will I have to report you to management?"

"I'm actually two weeks late, thanks to you," she replied. "Shall I report you to your wife?"

"Take the day off," he squirmed.

Jimbuna · 05-13-13, 11:50 AM

I went to a fancy dress party last week dressed as a loaf of bread...

The birds were all over me.

BossMark · 05-14-13, 07:06 AM

One Direction. The band The Beatles could've been.

If The Beatles had been a bunch of talentless faggots.

BossMark · 05-14-13, 11:10 AM

Prince William and Harry and Duchess of Cambridge donate £100,000 to help wounded soldiers.
It would have been easier just to say...
British taxpayers donate £100,000 to help wounded soldiers.

Jimbuna · 05-15-13, 12:20 PM

My wife accused me of ruining her birthday yesterday.

"Rubbish" I said. "I didn't even know it was your birthday."

BossMark · 05-15-13, 01:21 PM

The electricity company called me and said, 'The meter readings you provided us with seem to be suspiciously low.'

I said, 'Yeah, I've never read the meter. I have a system where I just decide beforehand how much I feel like paying, then work out the figures to suit.'

'Sir, you can't do that!' they said.

I replied, 'Well, it's a system that seems to work all right for you bastards.'

Jimbuna · 05-15-13, 01:50 PM

My wife left me because I'm too patronising.

Which is annoying as I was about to give her a gold star for knowing such a clever word.

BossMark · 05-16-13, 01:08 AM

Hugh Hefner - 87 years old, has 27 year old wife.

Berlusconi - 77 years old, has a 27 year old girlfriend.

Maradona - 52 years old, has a 22 year old girlfriend.

Moral: Don't worry that you don't have a girlfriend or wife, yours probably isn't born yet.

Jimbuna · 05-16-13, 05:49 AM

I was really confused about the effect of gravity on coins.

But then the penny dropped.

BossMark · 05-16-13, 06:12 AM

Secret documents released from the white house admit that the US Government tried to assassinate Fidel Castro with poison toothpaste and exploding cigars.

Or to put it another way, the US Government used to get all their assassination techniques from the joke shop.

Jimbuna · 05-16-13, 06:28 AM

My Mate was telling me that a Friend of his once brought him a Basic Unit of Information all the way from Australia.

Sounded a Bit Far Fetched to Me.

BossMark · 05-16-13, 07:45 AM

So Chelsea have won the Champion's league last season, the Europa league this season, does anyone else think they will be winning the Johnstone's Paint Trophy in the next few years?

Jimbuna · 05-16-13, 08:15 AM

My girlfriend came in from work looking rather miserable today.

"You ok love?" I asked.

"No, I'm not." She replied.
"I had a massive argument with Julie in the canteen today."

"Really?" I said.
"About what?"

"About half twelve."

Jimbuna · 05-16-13, 08:34 AM

"My doctor, whom I've been going to since I was a kid, just gave me some terrible news after my blood test. I just can't believe it!" I told my girlfriend.

She looked at me with a rather worried look on her face and said, "Oh no! Oh my god, what's wrong."

I said, "The silly buggers getting married!"

BossMark · 05-16-13, 10:21 AM

I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
It reminds me of why there is no bloody money in there.

05-13-13, 11:31 AM	#3916
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A woman walks into work late and her boss starts going mental. "You're two hours bloody late!" he yelled. "Will I have to report you to management?" "I'm actually two weeks late, thanks to you," she replied. "Shall I report you to your wife?" "Take the day off," he squirmed. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

05-13-13, 11:50 AM	#3917
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,112 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I went to a fancy dress party last week dressed as a loaf of bread... The birds were all over me. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

05-14-13, 07:06 AM	#3918
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	One Direction. The band The Beatles could've been. If The Beatles had been a bunch of talentless faggots. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

05-14-13, 11:10 AM	#3919
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Prince William and Harry and Duchess of Cambridge donate £100,000 to help wounded soldiers. It would have been easier just to say... British taxpayers donate £100,000 to help wounded soldiers. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

05-15-13, 12:20 PM	#3920
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,112 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My wife accused me of ruining her birthday yesterday. "Rubbish" I said. "I didn't even know it was your birthday." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

05-15-13, 01:21 PM	#3921
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	The electricity company called me and said, 'The meter readings you provided us with seem to be suspiciously low.' I said, 'Yeah, I've never read the meter. I have a system where I just decide beforehand how much I feel like paying, then work out the figures to suit.' 'Sir, you can't do that!' they said. I replied, 'Well, it's a system that seems to work all right for you bastards.' __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

05-15-13, 01:50 PM	#3922
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,112 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My wife left me because I'm too patronising. Which is annoying as I was about to give her a gold star for knowing such a clever word. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

05-16-13, 01:08 AM	#3923
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Hugh Hefner - 87 years old, has 27 year old wife. Berlusconi - 77 years old, has a 27 year old girlfriend. Maradona - 52 years old, has a 22 year old girlfriend. Moral: Don't worry that you don't have a girlfriend or wife, yours probably isn't born yet. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

05-16-13, 05:49 AM	#3924
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,112 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I was really confused about the effect of gravity on coins. But then the penny dropped. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

05-16-13, 06:12 AM	#3925
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Secret documents released from the white house admit that the US Government tried to assassinate Fidel Castro with poison toothpaste and exploding cigars. Or to put it another way, the US Government used to get all their assassination techniques from the joke shop. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

05-16-13, 06:28 AM	#3926
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,112 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My Mate was telling me that a Friend of his once brought him a Basic Unit of Information all the way from Australia. Sounded a Bit Far Fetched to Me. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

05-16-13, 07:45 AM	#3927
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	So Chelsea have won the Champion's league last season, the Europa league this season, does anyone else think they will be winning the Johnstone's Paint Trophy in the next few years? __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

05-16-13, 08:15 AM	#3928
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,112 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My girlfriend came in from work looking rather miserable today. "You ok love?" I asked. "No, I'm not." She replied. "I had a massive argument with Julie in the canteen today." "Really?" I said. "About what?" "About half twelve." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

05-16-13, 08:34 AM	#3929
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,112 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	"My doctor, whom I've been going to since I was a kid, just gave me some terrible news after my blood test. I just can't believe it!" I told my girlfriend. She looked at me with a rather worried look on her face and said, "Oh no! Oh my god, what's wrong." I said, "The silly buggers getting married!" __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

05-16-13, 10:21 AM	#3930
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no bloody money in there. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now