The joke thread - Page 261

BossMark · 05-11-13, 01:28 PM

I was in a restaurant with my blind date the other day, when I randomly asked her what bra size she was.
"Don't you have any standards?" she shrieked.
"Yes, D cup and above preferably" I replied.

BossMark · 05-11-13, 02:47 PM

I was talking to an American girl in the pub.

"Before we go any further," she said, "you should know that I have a bladder control problem."

"You don't have to wear a nappy do you?" I joked.

"Of course not!" she said. "We call them diapers."

Jimbuna · 05-11-13, 05:29 PM

After polishing off two Big Macs and a huge milkshake, my wife waddled out of McDonald's today and was immediately hit in the forehead by a low-flying pigeon. She didn't half jump.

Trying to get it in her mouth, no doubt.

breadcatcher101 · 05-11-13, 09:45 PM

Rumors are circulating in California that radical Muslims are planning to go on a rampage in Los Angeles, killing anyone who is a legal U.S. citizen.

Police fear the death toll could be as high as 23!

Jimbuna · 05-12-13, 01:19 PM

"I'm thinking about applying for this translator job I've seen in the paper" said Paddy.

"Translator job?" scoffed Murphy, "How many other languages do you know?"

"Two" replied Paddy.

"Australian and American."

BossMark · 05-12-13, 01:25 PM

On my way to work this morning, I noticed the man driving next to me was texting whilst driving.

Knowing how dangerous that can be, I promptly rolled down my window and threw my beer at him.

Jimbuna · 05-12-13, 01:46 PM

"Good evening, and welcome to the Television BAFTAs. Sadly, none of tonight's winners can be here. However, we can now cross over live to Her Majesty's Prison, London, where the winners will give their speech."

BossMark · 05-12-13, 02:18 PM

Operation Yewtree has gone quiet lately. Keep your eye on any notable sudden celebrity departures.........I can think of one in Manchester, maybe two?

Jimbuna · 05-12-13, 03:00 PM

Bruce Forsyth said that there should be an alternate show called 'British children have talent.'
With ideas like that, he could be getting a knock on his door sooner than he thinks.

Red October1984 · 05-12-13, 10:52 PM

Okay. So I went with my best friend to go see Iron Man 3 the other night...

There was a guy in the row behind us who kept cracking jokes before and after the movie. I shook his hand afterwards. He was hilarious. This is one of his best jokes. A movie trivia question about The Exorcist comes up and he says this

"Hey, do you know what happens when you don't pay your Exorcist? You get repossessed."

Completely out of nowhere....

"What do you call a cow that got it's baby taken away? Decaf."

@ The guy who sat behind me. You sir, are awesome.

The jokes are kind of cheesy...but the timing and tone made up for the cheesiness.

BossMark · 05-13-13, 03:52 AM

The hardest part about being in a new relationship has to be learning to fart quietly again.

Sailor Steve · 05-13-13, 06:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Red October1984

"Hey, do you know what happens when you don't pay your Exorcist? You get repossessed."

That one is a whole lot older than you are.

Red October1984 · 05-13-13, 07:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sailor Steve

That one is a whole lot older than you are.

I know...and so was the guy who told it.

BossMark · 05-13-13, 07:49 AM

Interesting watching Michael Palin's speech at the BAFTA's last night.

"Finally I'd like to thank the BBC. No other broadcasting company in the world would have given me the freedom to do what I've done for the last 40 years."

Erm, is that a confession..?

Jimbuna · 05-13-13, 11:24 AM

I told my psychiatrist I have problems talking to attractive women.

She told me to get out.

05-11-13, 01:28 PM	#3901
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I was in a restaurant with my blind date the other day, when I randomly asked her what bra size she was. "Don't you have any standards?" she shrieked. "Yes, D cup and above preferably" I replied. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

05-11-13, 02:47 PM	#3902
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I was talking to an American girl in the pub. "Before we go any further," she said, "you should know that I have a bladder control problem." "You don't have to wear a nappy do you?" I joked. "Of course not!" she said. "We call them diapers." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

05-11-13, 05:29 PM	#3903
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,106 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	After polishing off two Big Macs and a huge milkshake, my wife waddled out of McDonald's today and was immediately hit in the forehead by a low-flying pigeon. She didn't half jump. Trying to get it in her mouth, no doubt. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

05-12-13, 01:19 PM	#3905
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,106 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	"I'm thinking about applying for this translator job I've seen in the paper" said Paddy. "Translator job?" scoffed Murphy, "How many other languages do you know?" "Two" replied Paddy. "Australian and American." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

05-12-13, 01:25 PM	#3906
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	On my way to work this morning, I noticed the man driving next to me was texting whilst driving. Knowing how dangerous that can be, I promptly rolled down my window and threw my beer at him. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

05-11-13, 09:45 PM	#3904
breadcatcher101 Captain Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Southeastern USA Posts: 546 Downloads: 1 Uploads: 0	Rumors are circulating in California that radical Muslims are planning to go on a rampage in Los Angeles, killing anyone who is a legal U.S. citizen. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 23!

05-12-13, 01:46 PM	#3907
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,106 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	"Good evening, and welcome to the Television BAFTAs. Sadly, none of tonight's winners can be here. However, we can now cross over live to Her Majesty's Prison, London, where the winners will give their speech." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

05-12-13, 02:18 PM	#3908
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Operation Yewtree has gone quiet lately. Keep your eye on any notable sudden celebrity departures.........I can think of one in Manchester, maybe two? __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

05-12-13, 03:00 PM	#3909
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,106 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Bruce Forsyth said that there should be an alternate show called 'British children have talent.' With ideas like that, he could be getting a knock on his door sooner than he thinks. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

05-12-13, 10:52 PM	#3910
Red October1984 Airplane Nerd Join Date: Aug 2011 Location: Texas Posts: 6,243 Downloads: 115 Uploads: 0	Okay. So I went with my best friend to go see Iron Man 3 the other night... There was a guy in the row behind us who kept cracking jokes before and after the movie. I shook his hand afterwards. He was hilarious. This is one of his best jokes. A movie trivia question about The Exorcist comes up and he says this "Hey, do you know what happens when you don't pay your Exorcist? You get repossessed." Completely out of nowhere.... "What do you call a cow that got it's baby taken away? Decaf." @ The guy who sat behind me. You sir, are awesome. The jokes are kind of cheesy...but the timing and tone made up for the cheesiness. __________________

05-13-13, 03:52 AM	#3911
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	The hardest part about being in a new relationship has to be learning to fart quietly again. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

05-13-13, 07:49 AM	#3914
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Interesting watching Michael Palin's speech at the BAFTA's last night. "Finally I'd like to thank the BBC. No other broadcasting company in the world would have given me the freedom to do what I've done for the last 40 years." Erm, is that a confession..? __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

05-13-13, 11:24 AM	#3915
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,106 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I told my psychiatrist I have problems talking to attractive women. She told me to get out. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!