The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

Just signed a £250,000 per week contract to play for Manchester United.

I just need to get them to sign it now.

[Jimbuna]

I sat there with a smile on my face as my girlfriend wrapped her hand around it and started to tug at it. An even bigger smile when she gave it a little wiggle and started moving it around. I couldn’t contain myself when she started using two hands, so I eventually laughed out:

“Here, love, I’ll shift gear for you.”

[Jimbuna]

[Jimbuna]

Interviewer: What’s your main weakness and strength?
Me: Well my main weakness is knowing the difference between truth and fiction.
Interviewer: And your strength?
Me: My main strength is that I’m Batman!

[Jimbuna]

Most people are shocked when they find out…

I’m a self-taught electrician.

[Jimbuna]

My wife asked me if I would change our 1 month old son.

I told her I liked the one we have.

[Jimbuna]

Knock knock,
Who’s there?
Grandad . .
Shiiit, stop the funeral!

[Jimbuna]

I’m going through a divorce at the moment and my wife told me she is going to make sure that my bank balance is £0…
That’s nice of her, paying off my debts.

[Platapus]

My son told me that he saw a man doing 50 pull ups and asked me if I could do that.


I told my son that, without bragging, I could easily watch a man do 100 pull ups.

[Ostfriese]

What's the difference between a banana and an elephant?






Have you ever tried peeling an elephant?

[Jimbuna]

Are orphans allowed to watch PG movies?

[Jimbuna]

My Doctor has advised me to start running. I’m not ill or anything, I’ve just been sleeping with his wife.

[Jimbuna]

If you want to change the world do it while you’re single.
Once you get married you can’t even change the TV channel.

[Jimbuna]

My son brought his first girlfriend home tonight. The verdict? Flat chested, fat legs, and a flabby backside.
Oh, and she doesn’t react well to criticism.

[Jimbuna]

A big city New York lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's shin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick landed square on the man's nose. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."