The joke thread - Page 257

Jimbuna · 05-03-13, 06:30 AM

Some random woman sounded her horn at me today as I stood at the bus stop, so I gave her a little wave.

Suddenly she stopped her car, reversed, wound down the window and said, "Do you want a lift home?"

"What a nice lady," I thought, getting into the passenger seat and fastening my seatbelt.

Then she just sat there staring at me, as another bloke got into the back and said, "Who the hell is this dude, Wendy?"

BossMark · 05-03-13, 07:33 AM

I spotted a chav with a cig in one hand and a baby in the other earlier, so I threw her a bottle of vodka.

Hardest decision of her life.

Jimbuna · 05-03-13, 07:36 AM

BREAKING NEWS....Saville police arrest Fred Flinstone over prehistorical sex abuse claims.

BossMark · 05-03-13, 09:27 AM

I had a nightmare last night and when I woke up, for a few seconds it all seemed real.

Fortunately, I was just hugging the duvet and my ex wife hadn't come back.

Jimbuna · 05-03-13, 05:02 PM

Since I've been diagnosed with schizophrenia, I've been in 2 minds how I feel about it.

BossMark · 05-04-13, 02:08 AM

Despite Robin van Persie netting 25 times for Man United scum this season, he's still only the 3rd best attacker in Manchester, behind Ken Barlow & Kevin Webster.

Kuikueg · 05-04-13, 05:18 AM

Jesus is standing in front of the mob about to lapidate a prostitute.
"Whoever is free of sin may throw the first stone" he declares. A stone flies from the mob, hitting the woman on the head.
"I wish you would stop doing that, mum!"

Jimbuna · 05-04-13, 11:17 AM

I don't think Anne Frank would have been a Justin Beiber fan.

The fact that millions of people are following an idiot is the reason she was hiding in an attic in the first place.

BossMark · 05-05-13, 05:14 AM

So Justin Bieber has upset his fans again by arriving 2 hours late for his Dubai concert.

What a great opportunity for Islamists to unite with Christians. By jailing the bastard for life.

Jimbuna · 05-05-13, 05:26 AM

I was at the Doctors yesterday and I asked him "Why have you got a Suppository behind your Ear".

"Because some Bum's got my Biro", he replied.

BossMark · 05-05-13, 05:38 AM

Another BBC Scandal! Police have just confirmed that the actor John Inman that appeared in the long running BBC sitcom 'Are You Being Served' was actually straight.

Jimbuna · 05-05-13, 06:18 AM

The worst letter I ever wrote...

"Dear Jim, Please can you fix it for me to go on It's a knockout."

BossMark · 05-05-13, 06:36 AM

What's the difference between Manchester United and North Korea?

One is run by a corrupt, money hungry, dictator and the other is in Asia.

Jimbuna · 05-05-13, 06:39 AM

My son came in from school and said, "The teacher gave me a B for my Biology practical."

I said, "That's good, well done."

He said, "No it isn't. Everyone else got a frog to cut up."

BossMark · 05-05-13, 07:02 AM

A girl I met invited me over to her house and said she would like to make me a curry.

"I wouldn't thank you for it," I said.

"Why?" She replied. "Don't you like Indian food?"

"I love it," I responded. "I'm just an impolite bastard."

05-03-13, 06:30 AM	#3841
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,124 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Some random woman sounded her horn at me today as I stood at the bus stop, so I gave her a little wave. Suddenly she stopped her car, reversed, wound down the window and said, "Do you want a lift home?" "What a nice lady," I thought, getting into the passenger seat and fastening my seatbelt. Then she just sat there staring at me, as another bloke got into the back and said, "Who the hell is this dude, Wendy?" __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

05-03-13, 07:33 AM	#3842
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I spotted a chav with a cig in one hand and a baby in the other earlier, so I threw her a bottle of vodka. Hardest decision of her life. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

05-03-13, 07:36 AM	#3843
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,124 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	BREAKING NEWS....Saville police arrest Fred Flinstone over prehistorical sex abuse claims. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

05-03-13, 09:27 AM	#3844
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I had a nightmare last night and when I woke up, for a few seconds it all seemed real. Fortunately, I was just hugging the duvet and my ex wife hadn't come back. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

05-03-13, 05:02 PM	#3845
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,124 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Since I've been diagnosed with schizophrenia, I've been in 2 minds how I feel about it. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

05-04-13, 02:08 AM	#3846
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Despite Robin van Persie netting 25 times for Man United scum this season, he's still only the 3rd best attacker in Manchester, behind Ken Barlow & Kevin Webster. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

05-04-13, 05:18 AM	#3847
Kuikueg Watch Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Spain Posts: 26 Downloads: 36 Uploads: 0	A theological joke Jesus is standing in front of the mob about to lapidate a prostitute. "Whoever is free of sin may throw the first stone" he declares. A stone flies from the mob, hitting the woman on the head. "I wish you would stop doing that, mum!"

05-04-13, 11:17 AM	#3848
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,124 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I don't think Anne Frank would have been a Justin Beiber fan. The fact that millions of people are following an idiot is the reason she was hiding in an attic in the first place. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

05-05-13, 05:14 AM	#3849
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	So Justin Bieber has upset his fans again by arriving 2 hours late for his Dubai concert. What a great opportunity for Islamists to unite with Christians. By jailing the bastard for life. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

05-05-13, 05:26 AM	#3850
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,124 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I was at the Doctors yesterday and I asked him "Why have you got a Suppository behind your Ear". "Because some Bum's got my Biro", he replied. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

05-05-13, 05:38 AM	#3851
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Another BBC Scandal! Police have just confirmed that the actor John Inman that appeared in the long running BBC sitcom 'Are You Being Served' was actually straight. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

05-05-13, 06:18 AM	#3852
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,124 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	The worst letter I ever wrote... "Dear Jim, Please can you fix it for me to go on It's a knockout." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

05-05-13, 06:36 AM	#3853
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	What's the difference between Manchester United and North Korea? One is run by a corrupt, money hungry, dictator and the other is in Asia. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

05-05-13, 06:39 AM	#3854
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,124 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My son came in from school and said, "The teacher gave me a B for my Biology practical." I said, "That's good, well done." He said, "No it isn't. Everyone else got a frog to cut up." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

05-05-13, 07:02 AM	#3855
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A girl I met invited me over to her house and said she would like to make me a curry. "I wouldn't thank you for it," I said. "Why?" She replied. "Don't you like Indian food?" "I love it," I responded. "I'm just an impolite bastard." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now