The joke thread - Page 255

BossMark · 04-29-13, 01:14 AM

"Let it sniff the back of your hand first, so it knows you're not a threat." I told the wife, as the cat slicked up to her.
"Then you can stroke it's belly."

Then I jumped back into the Land rover and buggered off across the savannah.

Jimbuna · 04-29-13, 12:49 PM

I met Vicky Pryce in Tesco earlier, but I'd forgotten my Clubcard, so I asked her to take the points for me.

BossMark · 04-30-13, 03:06 AM

I never drive around with my payslip in my car.

Should I die in an accident, I don't want people to assume it was suicide.

Jimbuna · 04-30-13, 10:45 AM

Jamie Carragher joins sky sports.

Press the red button for subtitles.

BossMark · 04-30-13, 10:51 AM

My wife asked me "If we were marooned on a desert island what one record would you want?"..

I said "The record for swimming the farthest".

Hottentot · 04-30-13, 01:31 PM

To improve the relations between the Soviet Union and Poland a painting is ordered from a well known artist. It's called "Lenin in Poland". The artist works for a few months and finally the new masterpiece of the socialist realism is revealed in a major gallery, accompanied with many high level party officials.

But the painting is not exactly what they expected. It depicts a man and a woman making love in a house, and from the bedroom's window the red stars of Kremlin can be clearly seen. After a moment of awkward silence one of the party officials walks up angrily to the artist.

"We ordered from you a painting called Lenin in Poland and this is what we get! That painting is not even set in Poland!"
"True, it's set in Moscow."
"And that man doesn't resemble Lenin at all!"
"That's because it's not Lenin but Bukharin."
"Who's that woman?!"
"It's Krupskaya, Lenin's wife."
"This is outrageous! Where is Lenin?!"
"In Poland."

Jimbuna · 04-30-13, 02:20 PM

Our dyslexic Russian colleague is leaving this week, so we have all chipped in and got him the Tsar Wars Boxset.

BossMark · 05-01-13, 01:04 AM

My mate Geoff announced that he's going to appear on Mastermind.

"As you're a London cab driver I bet I know what your specialist subject will be," I said.

He laughed, "Well you're wrong. They've already told me it can't be The Knowledge."

"The Knowledge?" I said, "I was thinking more of how to be a inconsiderate sod."

Jimbuna · 05-01-13, 05:34 AM

This morning my wife said, "I find these post-it note jokes of yours about my weight problem really distasteful."

"You're not supposed to eat them love," I replied.

BossMark · 05-01-13, 06:06 AM

It's our 14th anniversary today. Funny though, I don't remember breaking two mirrors.

Jimbuna · 05-01-13, 08:29 AM

Even though I was 20 minutes late for my interview at a taxi office I still got the job.

The manager thought I was a natural when I told him "I'm just round the corner."

BossMark · 05-01-13, 09:25 AM

Finger painting has become more popular than ever in nurseries and schools in Liverpool.

It's been enforced by local police, as they want to get fingerprints on record from a early age.

Jimbuna · 05-01-13, 09:32 AM

"When might we take the kids to Disneyland?" the wife asked me a few weeks ago.

I thought about it, and replied, "May."

It's been a blast watching her pack, and the kids getting excited. All I did was correct her grammar.

BossMark · 05-01-13, 10:52 AM

In a bit to boost Coronation Street's ratings ITV bosses are going to run a risky story line.

It's going to involve Kevin Webster and Ken Barlow running an under sixteen disco in the Rovers.

Jimbuna · 05-01-13, 11:51 AM

As I walked through the front door from work eating a mars bar, my wife had a face on her.

"Don't eat that" she snapped, "You'll spoil your tea."

"Rubbish" I said, "You'll have already done that."

04-29-13, 01:14 AM	#3811
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	"Let it sniff the back of your hand first, so it knows you're not a threat." I told the wife, as the cat slicked up to her. "Then you can stroke it's belly." Then I jumped back into the Land rover and buggered off across the savannah. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-29-13, 12:49 PM	#3812
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,080 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I met Vicky Pryce in Tesco earlier, but I'd forgotten my Clubcard, so I asked her to take the points for me. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

04-30-13, 03:06 AM	#3813
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I never drive around with my payslip in my car. Should I die in an accident, I don't want people to assume it was suicide. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-30-13, 10:45 AM	#3814
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,080 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Jamie Carragher joins sky sports. Press the red button for subtitles. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

04-30-13, 10:51 AM	#3815
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My wife asked me "If we were marooned on a desert island what one record would you want?".. I said "The record for swimming the farthest". __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-30-13, 01:31 PM	#3816
Hottentot Sea Lord Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: My private socialist utopia of Finland Posts: 1,918 Downloads: 4 Uploads: 0	To improve the relations between the Soviet Union and Poland a painting is ordered from a well known artist. It's called "Lenin in Poland". The artist works for a few months and finally the new masterpiece of the socialist realism is revealed in a major gallery, accompanied with many high level party officials. But the painting is not exactly what they expected. It depicts a man and a woman making love in a house, and from the bedroom's window the red stars of Kremlin can be clearly seen. After a moment of awkward silence one of the party officials walks up angrily to the artist. "We ordered from you a painting called Lenin in Poland and this is what we get! That painting is not even set in Poland!" "True, it's set in Moscow." "And that man doesn't resemble Lenin at all!" "That's because it's not Lenin but Bukharin." "Who's that woman?!" "It's Krupskaya, Lenin's wife." "This is outrageous! Where is Lenin?!" "In Poland." __________________ Хотели как лучше, а получилось как всегда.

04-30-13, 02:20 PM	#3817
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,080 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Our dyslexic Russian colleague is leaving this week, so we have all chipped in and got him the Tsar Wars Boxset. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

05-01-13, 01:04 AM	#3818
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My mate Geoff announced that he's going to appear on Mastermind. "As you're a London cab driver I bet I know what your specialist subject will be," I said. He laughed, "Well you're wrong. They've already told me it can't be The Knowledge." "The Knowledge?" I said, "I was thinking more of how to be a inconsiderate sod." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

05-01-13, 05:34 AM	#3819
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,080 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	This morning my wife said, "I find these post-it note jokes of yours about my weight problem really distasteful." "You're not supposed to eat them love," I replied. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

05-01-13, 06:06 AM	#3820
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	It's our 14th anniversary today. Funny though, I don't remember breaking two mirrors. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

05-01-13, 08:29 AM	#3821
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,080 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Even though I was 20 minutes late for my interview at a taxi office I still got the job. The manager thought I was a natural when I told him "I'm just round the corner." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

05-01-13, 09:25 AM	#3822
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Finger painting has become more popular than ever in nurseries and schools in Liverpool. It's been enforced by local police, as they want to get fingerprints on record from a early age. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

05-01-13, 09:32 AM	#3823
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,080 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	"When might we take the kids to Disneyland?" the wife asked me a few weeks ago. I thought about it, and replied, "May." It's been a blast watching her pack, and the kids getting excited. All I did was correct her grammar. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

05-01-13, 10:52 AM	#3824
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	In a bit to boost Coronation Street's ratings ITV bosses are going to run a risky story line. It's going to involve Kevin Webster and Ken Barlow running an under sixteen disco in the Rovers. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

05-01-13, 11:51 AM	#3825
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,080 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	As I walked through the front door from work eating a mars bar, my wife had a face on her. "Don't eat that" she snapped, "You'll spoil your tea." "Rubbish" I said, "You'll have already done that." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!