The joke thread - Page 251

Jimbuna · 04-19-13, 05:38 AM

"So how did the interview go?" my wife asked me.

"I'm not too sure to be honest, I said all the usual stuff like, I'm a hard working person, I get on well with others, I won't let anyone down, blah blah blah, but then he sort of looked at me funny."

"How come?" she replied.

"Because I said blah blah blah."

BossMark · 04-19-13, 07:25 AM

My neighbour's came back from the hospital this morning with their new baby daughter. So I popped around to see them.

I said, "She's absolutely gorgeous."

"Thanks," they both replied.

I said, "Are you two sure you've got the right baby?"

Jimbuna · 04-19-13, 08:21 AM

Virgin Media's inspired new advert will include John Lennon's song 'Imagine'.

Which is all well and good until he gets to "... above us only Sky..."

BossMark · 04-19-13, 08:30 AM

I took a bird back to my house the other night. "Why are all of these photos turned the other way?" she asked confused.

"They're pictures of my wife," I replied. "They're just too painful to look at."

"Oh, I'm sorry," she apologised. "I never knew, how did it happen if you don't mind me asking?"

"Both of her parents were ugly," I replied.

Jimbuna · 04-19-13, 08:32 AM

"8 happy years and she's now gone forever, my dream girlfriend!" I said to the barman. "She used to be so kind, my best friend and sex on tap, but no more!"

"Has she run off with someone else then mate?" he asked.

"No!" I sobbed. "I married her last Saturday."

BossMark · 04-19-13, 11:18 AM

My sister was moaning at me "I can't believe you never visited your mum on her birthday, for gods sake she has Alzheimers"

"I'll tell her I was there" I replied.

Jimbuna · 04-19-13, 04:27 PM

I went to view a house today, but the floorboards seemed a bit dodgy.

"Do you mind if I jump up and down?" I asked the owner.

"Please yourself," he said, "I'm just glad you like it so much."

BossMark · 04-20-13, 05:39 AM

We were in the middle of a big game of poker in an illegal gambling club when the police stormed in.

"OK guys," one of them said, "hands in the air where I can see them."

"I'm afraid that's gonna cost you a grand, Officer." I told him.

BossMark · 04-20-13, 10:24 AM

Jim Davidson, Stuart Hall and now Rolf Harris...

The other prison inmates will have a pretty crap Christmas show to look forward to.

Jimbuna · 04-20-13, 10:45 AM

Wouldn't it be a miracle if this was to be introduced in U.K. ?
This is the actual message you get when you phone the Australian social services/benefit office! Fantastic....

"GOOD MORNING, WELCOME TO 'CENTRELINK' THE AUSTRALIAN SOCIAL SERVICES AND BENEFITS OFFICE"

"Press '1' if you speak English.. Press ''2' to disconnect until you can. Have a nice day."

BossMark · 04-20-13, 12:00 PM

The wife came off the phone to her friend..

"That was Julie. She's really upset because her Jim's gone on holiday with his mates and not her." She said, sitting beside me.
"You wouldn't let your friends persuade you to go on holiday without me, would you?"

"Of course not, love." I assured her.

"They wouldn't need to be friends."

Jimbuna · 04-20-13, 12:59 PM

I was watching the Grand prix qualifiers, and I couldn't help thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

Sailor Steve · 04-20-13, 03:07 PM

Hmm...

I'm having a sense of deja vu right now.

BossMark · 04-21-13, 03:18 AM

If she's told me once, she's told me a thousand times. If I'm out with my mates, don't come home drunk...

And she's still pissed about it when I don't show up till the next afternoon.

Jimbuna · 04-21-13, 06:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sailor Steve

Hmm...

I'm having a sense of deja vu right now.

That is what was on the clipboard at the time

http://www.subsim.com/radioroom/show...7&postcount=23

04-19-13, 05:38 AM	#3751
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,080 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	"So how did the interview go?" my wife asked me. "I'm not too sure to be honest, I said all the usual stuff like, I'm a hard working person, I get on well with others, I won't let anyone down, blah blah blah, but then he sort of looked at me funny." "How come?" she replied. "Because I said blah blah blah." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

04-19-13, 07:25 AM	#3752
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My neighbour's came back from the hospital this morning with their new baby daughter. So I popped around to see them. I said, "She's absolutely gorgeous." "Thanks," they both replied. I said, "Are you two sure you've got the right baby?" __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-19-13, 08:21 AM	#3753
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,080 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Virgin Media's inspired new advert will include John Lennon's song 'Imagine'. Which is all well and good until he gets to "... above us only Sky..." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

04-19-13, 08:30 AM	#3754
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I took a bird back to my house the other night. "Why are all of these photos turned the other way?" she asked confused. "They're pictures of my wife," I replied. "They're just too painful to look at." "Oh, I'm sorry," she apologised. "I never knew, how did it happen if you don't mind me asking?" "Both of her parents were ugly," I replied. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-19-13, 08:32 AM	#3755
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,080 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	"8 happy years and she's now gone forever, my dream girlfriend!" I said to the barman. "She used to be so kind, my best friend and sex on tap, but no more!" "Has she run off with someone else then mate?" he asked. "No!" I sobbed. "I married her last Saturday." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

04-19-13, 11:18 AM	#3756
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My sister was moaning at me "I can't believe you never visited your mum on her birthday, for gods sake she has Alzheimers" "I'll tell her I was there" I replied. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-19-13, 04:27 PM	#3757
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,080 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I went to view a house today, but the floorboards seemed a bit dodgy. "Do you mind if I jump up and down?" I asked the owner. "Please yourself," he said, "I'm just glad you like it so much." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

04-20-13, 05:39 AM	#3758
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	We were in the middle of a big game of poker in an illegal gambling club when the police stormed in. "OK guys," one of them said, "hands in the air where I can see them." "I'm afraid that's gonna cost you a grand, Officer." I told him. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-20-13, 10:24 AM	#3759
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Jim Davidson, Stuart Hall and now Rolf Harris... The other prison inmates will have a pretty crap Christmas show to look forward to. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-20-13, 10:45 AM	#3760
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,080 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Wouldn't it be a miracle if this was to be introduced in U.K. ? This is the actual message you get when you phone the Australian social services/benefit office! Fantastic.... "GOOD MORNING, WELCOME TO 'CENTRELINK' THE AUSTRALIAN SOCIAL SERVICES AND BENEFITS OFFICE" "Press '1' if you speak English.. Press ''2' to disconnect until you can. Have a nice day." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

04-20-13, 12:00 PM	#3761
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	The wife came off the phone to her friend.. "That was Julie. She's really upset because her Jim's gone on holiday with his mates and not her." She said, sitting beside me. "You wouldn't let your friends persuade you to go on holiday without me, would you?" "Of course not, love." I assured her. "They wouldn't need to be friends." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-20-13, 12:59 PM	#3762
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,080 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I was watching the Grand prix qualifiers, and I couldn't help thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

04-20-13, 03:07 PM	#3763
Sailor Steve Eternal Patrol Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: High in the mountains of Utah Posts: 50,369 Downloads: 745 Uploads: 249	Hmm... I'm having a sense of deja vu right now. __________________ “Never do anything you can't take back.” —Rocky Russo

04-21-13, 03:18 AM	#3764
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	If she's told me once, she's told me a thousand times. If I'm out with my mates, don't come home drunk... And she's still pissed about it when I don't show up till the next afternoon. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now