The joke thread II

[Jeff-Groves]

Little Johnny's Mother decided he should attend Church.
Johnny was so taken with the holy spirit that when they came home, Johnny clasped the bible and began preaching the word to the family cat.
Mother was thrilled.
After a few hours of relentless sermons there was silence.
Mom decided to check... and found Johnny holding the cat in a bucket of water!
"JOHNNY WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" exclaimed the Mom.
Johnny replied, "I am baptizing him"

Mother exclaimed "But cats don't like the water!"

Johnny replied "Well then, he shouldn't have joined my church!"

[Jimbuna]

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, 'I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you.
But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. '
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend...
So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.'
So she agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She responded, 'The bastid used coins!'

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

[Jimbuna]

After reaching the height of his fame, Alec Guinness went into a restaurant and dropped his jacket off at the reception..
When it was time to give his name, the Receptionist told him it wasn’t necessary. Feeling flattered, Alec went to his table..

At the end of the night, he went to pick up his jacket. In the pocket of his jacket, there was the ticket stub. On the ticket stub, where his name was supposed to be, it said “old man with glasses”.

[Jimbuna]

400 passengers but only 200 meals were loaded onto a flight from Delhi to New York City (long)
It was only discovered after take off, when the flight attendants started going through their preparations for the meals. So, the airline had bungled, and the crew was in a fix. However, one smart flight attendant had an idea.

A couple of hours into the flight she nervously announced, 'Ladies and gentleman; we don't know how this happened, but we have over 400 people on board, but only 200 dinners. Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal to someone else, will receive unlimited free liquor for the duration of the flight!'

Her next announcement came six hours later.

'Ladies and gentlemen, if anyone wants to change their mind, we still have 180 dinners available'.

Moral of the story: People who like to drink, have very kind hearts.

[Jimbuna]

Why is the book so thick?

Long story

[Jimbuna]

I bought a new toilet brush recently…

…long story short, I’m switching back to toilet paper

[Jimbuna]

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.".
Well . . . you'll love this story..

from a lady called Claire

"My name is Claire..
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school some 25-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him,
however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth,
I asked him if he had attended the same school as mine..

"Yes. yes, I did.'
he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1987.
Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!!!!",
I happily exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, gray-haired, decrepit, idiot, asked,

"What subject did you teach" ?"

[Jimbuna]

I’m reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen…

I can feel it.

[Jimbuna]

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.

They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."

So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians."

There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . .

[Platapus]

I saw this really long snake.


It must have been 3.14 meters long


I think it was a Pi-thon

[Jimbuna]

Three friends decided to take a hunting trip. The first friend was a genius and succeeded at everything he tried. The second friend was an average Joe and got through life just fine. The third friend was just plain stupid.

On the first night of the hunting trip, the first friend says he's going to go out and try to catch dinner. The two others agree and wait for their friend to return. About an hour later he does dragging a huge elk behind him.

The two friends are astounded at the elk he brought back.

"How'd you do it?" Friends two and three asked together.

The first friend smirks a little and says.

"Followed the tracks, followed the tracks, and I found the elk."

Friends two and three compliment the first friend, dress and cook the deer, and go to bed with full bellies.

The next evening the second friend says he'll be going out to catch dinner. Friends one and three agree. Four hours pass before the second friend returns with a decent size buck. Friends one and three are impressed by the deer.

"How'd you do it?" They ask him.

Friend two shrugs and simply says.

"Followed the tracks, followed the tracks, found the deer."

The friends go to bed with full bellies yet again.

The next evening the third friend declares he will go out on the hunt for food. Friends one and two agree on this, and friend three walks into the woods with his gun. A whole night and day pass and the two friends are getting worried.

They're just about to go and find a park ranger when they hear someone approaching from the woods. Out of the foliage limps the third friend. He looks like hell, scratches, and bruises litter his body. His nose looks broken, and his leg is bent awkwardly.

The first two friends are aghast at his state. They rush over to him and help him over to the fire.

"What happened to you?" They both ask.

The third friend sighs heavily and slumps as he sits down.

"I followed the tracks, I followed the tracks and I got hit by a bloody train!"

[Jimbuna]

A tramp walks into a home decorating shop.
The guy behind the counter greets him

"morning, what can I do for you today?"

"2 bottles of methylated spirits please!"

The guy has seen this before "no way buddy, I know your game, you're gonna drink em, it'll kill ya I won't have any part of that... Sorry"

The tramp with tears in his eyes goes on to explain
"sorry its not what it looks like, I've got this painting job to do and my brushes need cleaning... with the money I'll earn I can get into a shelter and reconnect with my estranged family and start to rebuild my life again".

The guy behind the desk is genuinely moved by this mans story and decides to help him out.

"I'm sorry man, good on you I hope you make your dreams come true... here ya go 2 bottles that's 3 pounds"

The tramp thanks the man, pays him and picks up a bottle in each hand and then pauses for a second and says..

"have ya a couple of *cold* ones by chance?"

[Jimbuna]

I know the manager of a car dealership who was trying to get a personal car started on and off for years. (Had it sitting in the back of the company workshop)

One night they got broken into and upon looking at the footage it was a group of young people. The cars were gone.

He went straight to the police and asked for their names (because they caught them trashing the cars down the road later that night).

"Oh mate we can't really give their names out for protection reasons."

He looks this cop in the eye and goes "I don't want to hurt them. I want to give them a job! My mechanics haven't been able to get that car running for years!"

[Jimbuna]

An retired elderly couple visit London..
They get picked up from the airport in a london black cab and head off into the city for some adventure.

The cab driver say "where you from guvnor?"

Husband. "we're from South Africa"..

The wife is a little hard of hearing asks her husband.

"What did he say?"

The husband turns to his wife and says louder "the cab driver asked us where we were from, I told him South Africa!"

The cabbie continues "I was in the merchant navy years back... I got to drop anchor down your way, a few times in Johannesburg"

The husband replies "oh wow that's where we're from originally, now we're in Cape Town."

The wife asks the husband again "what did he say?".

The husband again relays the unheard conversation "the cab driver says he spent some time in the navy and went down to joberg".

The wife smiles and nods.

The cab driver feels compelled to flesh the story out, as its just the husband he's talking to.

"yeah I remember that last shore leave in Johannesburg, me and the lads gagging for some action, end up in a dive bar and met this girl, we got a room and she was the the worst woman in bed I've ever had!"

The wife says "what did he say?".

Husband "the cab driver he says he might know you!"

[mapuc]

The Germans have started hoarding - It's especially cheese and sausages - They call it the Wurst Käse scenario

Markus