The joke thread

[BossMark]

According to a recent survey, 95% of women said they would never date a bloke who wears a pink shirt.

Ironically, 95% of men who wear a pink shirt would never date a woman.

[Jimbuna]

I treated my wife the other day to one of those new fish pedicures and must say I was quite pleased with the results.

Those piranhas don't mess about.

[BossMark]

My wife left me four years ago because I never paid her any attention.

I've only just noticed.

[Jimbuna]

My wife is going to the hair salon today.

For the next few hours I'll be practising my reaction.

[BossMark]

My girlfriend was on the phone to her mate, turned to me and said 'It's your birthday tomorrow, I suppose that means you'll want "all day sex"'?

Bloody right I will'.

'Hello Tracy? I can't make 9.30, will 9.45 be ok'?

[Jimbuna]

The mother-in-law comes home and finds her son-in-law furious and packing his suitcase.

"What happened?"

"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife saying that I was coming home from my trip today. I got home and guess what I found? My wife, yes, my Rachel, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is the end of our marriage, I will leave forever!"

"Calm down!" says mother-in-law. "There is something odd about this story. Rachel would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check what happened."

Moments later, mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "You see, I said there must be a simple explanation... Rachel didn't receive your email."

[BossMark]

"Do you remember what you were doing when JFK was killed?" I asked my Granddad.

"Remember?" he said. "Two weeks it took your Nan to get the grass stains out of those trousers."

[Jimbuna]

"It doesn't matter what I do or say," I told the wife, "I'm always wrong in your eyes."

"That's not true," she said.

[BossMark]

I have just heard some tragic news, One Direction have been killed in a plane crash ... and no one managed to capture the event on video.

[Jimbuna]

My wife is always finishing my sentences for me.

I bet Chris Huhne wishes he had married her now.

I wish he had as well.

[Jimbuna]

But your honor, in my defence, her ad clearly said she was looking for a man who could sweep her off her feet and leave her breathless..

[BossMark]

The doctor told my wife if she doesn't lose some weight soon she could die.

She was quite upset by that. So to cheer her up I'm going take her out for a big slap-up meal.

[Jimbuna]

OCD, it's as easy as 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123

[BossMark]

My daughter's drama club had to perform a play at the local old folks home over the weekend.
It was a very emotional production, by all accounts.


There wasn't a dry seat in the house.

[Jimbuna]

I treated my last patient of the day, closed the surgery and walked into town for a quick pint.

As I ordered a drink, a man collapsed at the other end of the bar, having a heart attack.

His wife panicked, and in tears shouted, "Is there a doctor in the house?"

Unfortunately for the man, there was nothing I could do to save him.

If she'd asked if there was a doctor in the pub, my pedantry wouldn't have even come into it.