The joke thread

[BossMark]

Jim Davidson has gone and got himself arrested i see.

Finally he does something funny.

[Jimbuna]

I called the fishing society the other day.

They just told me to hold the line.

[BossMark]

Two Irishmen Paddy and Mick are having a drink and watching the football around Mick's house.At full time Paddy gets up to go home but notices it is pissing down with rain outside.

"Stay the night here Paddy," says Mick."I'll go and make up a bed for you."

When Mick comes back down the stairs Paddy is drenched to the bone.

Mick says,"What the hell happened to you?"

Paddy replies,"I went home for my pyjamas."

[Jimbuna]

I was in the pub and the landlord said to me, "Are you alright, you don't seem yourself tonight?

I replied "The wife said she's leaving me unless I stop drinking."

"I take it this will be your last drink then?" He asked.

"No mate, keep 'em coming."

[BossMark]

Barclay's have paid their chief investment banker Rich Ricci a bonus of £18 million.

With that amount of money he could earn nearly £2000 per day in interest alone.

Or £1.36 if he puts it in a Barclay's current account.

[Hitman]

"So how did you manage to live healthy and reach 95 years, grandpa?"

"I always stood out of silly discussions"

"Oh, sure it can't be just that!"

"Of course, sure not"

[BossMark]

Somali pirates have been spotted on the River Mersey in Liverpool.

Reports suggest a bunch of scouser's stole their boat.

[Jimbuna]

England play San Marino tomorrow. A country so small that if you kick the ball into touch you have to go through customs to get it back.

[BossMark]

I went fishing last week.

Before going my mate asked me, "What will you be using for bait?"

"Bread." I replied.

"You won't catch anything using bread." he laughed.

"How bloody wrong were you?" I said to him later that evening, as I stood on his doorstep holding 6 ducks and a goose.

[Hitman]

A group of green berets is preparing a difficult commando raid. The officer explains the plan: "You guys will be dropped from an airplane with your equipment. You will just need to pull the white ring for the chute to open, and if that fails there's a second parachute attached to the equipment with a yellow ring. Pull it, and hold to it. It shouldn't happen, but if that fails, you will also have an emergency parachute triggered by a red ring. When you get down, there will be several bicycles hidden in the bushes. Pick them and go to the objective to set the explosives, then rush to the pick-up point signaled in the map"

The green berets take the plane, and when the moment comes they start jumping. One of them is already in the air, and pulls the white ring. Nothing.

"Dargn", is his surprised comment.

He pulls the yellow ring. Nothing happens and he continues falling

"Doh-oh ..." and starts getting angry.

Pulls the red ring and ... nothing happens. He falls even faster towards the ground.

Completely furious, he yells out "And I bet the friggin' bicycles won't be there when we arrive!"

[Jimbuna]

1p, 2p, 5p, 10p, 20p, 50p,
Don't worry folks I'm not going mad just going through the change.

[BossMark]

I was at the local pool yesterday, swimming along minding my own business when a body came flying through the air and crashed into me.

Bloody women divers.

[Jimbuna]

When my horny secretary came into work crying on my shoulder because she'd just split up with her boyfriend I thought this would be the perfect time to take advantage of her,

So I put her on the minimum wage

[BossMark]

My mate said, "Have you ever paid for sex?"

I said, "Yeah, every single day of my married life."

[Jimbuna]

I've nicknamed my wife 'San Marino'.

Because she kicks off every ten minutes.