The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

Founder of all Sports: England

Made popular by: Rest of World

[BossMark]

Paddy Murphy arrived at Boston's Logan airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An Texan asked him if he was homesick. 'No, 'replied the Irishman.' It's worse, I have I've lost all me luggage.'
'That's terrible, how did that happen?'
'The cork fell out of me bottle.' Said Paddy.

[Jimbuna]

My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting dressed to go out when finally she swung the door open and said "tell me honestly, am I too fat for this?"

To which I replied "yes, but don't feel bad, it's quite a small bathroom.

[BossMark]

Several years before the Gulf War, a female journalist did a story on gender roles in Kuwait. She noted that there it was customary for women to walk 10 feet behind their husbands.

After the war, she returned to Kuwait and was pleased to observe that now the men walked 10 feet behind their wives. She approached a woman at the airport and asked, "What enabled Kuwaiti women to achieve this role reversal?"

The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines."

[Jimbuna]

I tried grilling a chicken at lunchtime.

"Right, I'll ask you one more time. Why did you cross the road?"

[BossMark]

A small tourist hotel was all a buzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.

The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years...

I thought he meant his money!!"

[Jimbuna]

My mate just said to me, "If you became invisible, what would you do first?"

I said, "I'd go to Paris, find a performing street mime and beat him to death, the round of applause he'd get would be astounding."

[Sailor Steve]

Jim, those last two...well...

[Jimbuna]

Originally Posted by Sailor Steve

Jim, those last two...well...

One tries one's best mate






You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.

[frau kaleun]

I'll get my coat...

[antikristuseke]

Make love not sense.

[Hottentot]

Without boasting: my dog is well trained, intelligent, handsome, social and popular.

The next one who says "dogs resemble their owners" gets punched.

[BossMark]

Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become paralysed, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

[Jimbuna]

I was in North London this morning and I saw a bloke in a wheelchair. I said to him, "What happened to you?"

He replied, "I was in Nam."

I said, "What, Vietnam?"

He said, "No. Tottenham."

[BossMark]

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defence:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled.

With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.