The joke thread - Page 234

BossMark · 03-04-13, 02:11 PM

For the first time in court today, I heard the frantic 999 call my wife made to the police before her attacker broke the door down and killed her. I can still hear her terrified screams.

They let me download it as a ringtone for my phone.

Jimbuna · 03-04-13, 08:03 PM

A guy walks into a bar and starts pretending to shoot arrows to a few girls. One of those girls smiles and gets closer to talk: "Hey, I saw that you threw me an arrow." *wink*

"Yes, I guess I did."

"Who are you?", she asks. "Cupid throwing love arrows?"

"No, I'm Legolas killing orcs!"

BossMark · 03-04-13, 11:54 PM

My grandmother has been told by the council that she has to downsize or pay extra for the spare bedrooms.

She really doesn't need all this at the moment, she's only just recovering from gastroenteritis.

Jimbuna · 03-05-13, 12:00 PM

Don't die a virgin. Seriously don't. There are terrorists waiting up there for you.

BossMark · 03-05-13, 02:20 PM

Paddy pulls up at a red light beside a gorgeous young woman, smiles at her and lowers his window.

The woman smiles back and also lowers her window.

"Ah," says Paddy, "so you farted too?"

Jimbuna · 03-05-13, 02:33 PM

I got into a taxi in Birmingham last weekend and told the driver that I was going to London.

He said, "That's going to be about £400." which I thought was quite reasonable, until I saw a sign in the back saying 'I Will Charge You £60 If You're Sick In The Back!'

So I shoved my fingers down my throat.

BossMark · 03-05-13, 02:42 PM

The worst thing about the Bieber delayed show is that it disproves the theory 'better late than never'.

Jimbuna · 03-05-13, 04:38 PM

Manchester Utd are out of the Champions League.

Unless you switch over to ITV +1

BossMark · 03-06-13, 03:40 AM

Apparently the first person to live to 150 years old has already been born.

I really hope I'm alive to see who it is.

Jimbuna · 03-06-13, 06:19 AM

Less than 1 month without a pope and we've already cured HIV.

BossMark · 03-06-13, 06:56 AM

Fergie is angry that Ferdinand clapped the referee..

He reminded him that they don't do that until they're in the ref's dressing room

Jimbuna · 03-06-13, 07:33 AM

Met a fit bird last night. She was a hammer thrower at the Olympics so she must have been relatively fit. Right?

BossMark · 03-06-13, 09:10 AM

Paddy and Mick turn up at a building site looking for work. The foreman says "i only employ 100% Irish lads", he looks at paddy and asks his name, "Pat" he replies. The foreman says "sorry i cant give you a job because had you been 100% Irish you would have said your name was Patrick.
The foreman turns to Mick and says "and what's your name" ..... Mickrick.

Jimbuna · 03-06-13, 09:23 AM

Police reported that a man who went missing in the Aberlour whisky distillery last night, had been found this morning.
He was said to be in good spirits.

Herr-Berbunch · 03-06-13, 10:10 AM

A girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

03-04-13, 02:11 PM	#3496
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	For the first time in court today, I heard the frantic 999 call my wife made to the police before her attacker broke the door down and killed her. I can still hear her terrified screams. They let me download it as a ringtone for my phone. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

03-04-13, 08:03 PM	#3497
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,468 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A guy walks into a bar and starts pretending to shoot arrows to a few girls. One of those girls smiles and gets closer to talk: "Hey, I saw that you threw me an arrow." wink "Yes, I guess I did." "Who are you?", she asks. "Cupid throwing love arrows?" "No, I'm Legolas killing orcs!" __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

03-04-13, 11:54 PM	#3498
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My grandmother has been told by the council that she has to downsize or pay extra for the spare bedrooms. She really doesn't need all this at the moment, she's only just recovering from gastroenteritis. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

03-05-13, 12:00 PM	#3499
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,468 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Don't die a virgin. Seriously don't. There are terrorists waiting up there for you. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

03-05-13, 02:20 PM	#3500
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Paddy pulls up at a red light beside a gorgeous young woman, smiles at her and lowers his window. The woman smiles back and also lowers her window. "Ah," says Paddy, "so you farted too?" __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

03-05-13, 02:33 PM	#3501
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,468 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I got into a taxi in Birmingham last weekend and told the driver that I was going to London. He said, "That's going to be about £400." which I thought was quite reasonable, until I saw a sign in the back saying 'I Will Charge You £60 If You're Sick In The Back!' So I shoved my fingers down my throat. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

03-05-13, 02:42 PM	#3502
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	The worst thing about the Bieber delayed show is that it disproves the theory 'better late than never'. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

03-05-13, 04:38 PM	#3503
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,468 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Manchester Utd are out of the Champions League. Unless you switch over to ITV +1 __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

03-06-13, 03:40 AM	#3504
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Apparently the first person to live to 150 years old has already been born. I really hope I'm alive to see who it is. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

03-06-13, 06:19 AM	#3505
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,468 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Less than 1 month without a pope and we've already cured HIV. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

03-06-13, 06:56 AM	#3506
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Fergie is angry that Ferdinand clapped the referee.. He reminded him that they don't do that until they're in the ref's dressing room __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

03-06-13, 07:33 AM	#3507
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,468 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Met a fit bird last night. She was a hammer thrower at the Olympics so she must have been relatively fit. Right? __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

03-06-13, 09:10 AM	#3508
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Paddy and Mick turn up at a building site looking for work. The foreman says "i only employ 100% Irish lads", he looks at paddy and asks his name, "Pat" he replies. The foreman says "sorry i cant give you a job because had you been 100% Irish you would have said your name was Patrick. The foreman turns to Mick and says "and what's your name" ..... Mickrick. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

03-06-13, 09:23 AM	#3509
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,468 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Police reported that a man who went missing in the Aberlour whisky distillery last night, had been found this morning. He was said to be in good spirits. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

03-06-13, 10:10 AM	#3510
Herr-Berbunch Kaiser Bill's batman Join Date: May 2010 Location: AN72 Posts: 13,203 Downloads: 76 Uploads: 0	A girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. __________________