The joke thread

[spydar1959]

I see you have met my ex.

[Jimbuna]

Fears of an expected surge of millions of Romanians into the UK have abated as we have eaten all of their transport.

[BossMark]

He got bail?? you're taking the Pistorious!!

[Jimbuna]

My wife's been missing for two days, so I phoned the police.

They asked for a description of her then immediately ruled out kidnapping and rape.

[breadcatcher101]

Labor union rep walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink to celebrate Obamas victory when he sees a guy close by wearing a Romney for President button and two beers in front of him. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican. So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican.

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union rep.

The union rep once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union man once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union man asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Republican? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly ass does is smile and thanks me. Is he nuts?"
"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

[Jimbuna]

My 12-year-old son said to me, "Dad, there are a couple of magazines I want at the shop but I'm a bit short."


I said, "They're up high for a reason."

[BossMark]

Oscar Pitorius's case has been compared to OJ Simpson's after police found a pair of socks that don't fit

[Jimbuna]

I'm not saying I'm ugly, but in prison the other inmates made me shower alone in case I dropped the soap.

[BossMark]

As I opened another bottle of beer I could sense my wife's disapproving glare.

" Oh, don't start," I said, "It's a funeral. Everyone has a drink or two at a funeral."

"Most people wait until the crematorium part has finished!" She hissed.

[BossMark]

Newcastle City Council have also had their credit rating down graded to "Y I"

[Jimbuna]

I was on the phone to a friend and I became concerned he was having a stroke, turns out he was simply reading an Ikea catalogue out loud.

[Jimbuna]

Manchester United and England star Wayne Rooney is facing a night in hospital after choking on a dismantled Rubik's Cube at his Cheshire home.
Speaking from outside the People's Dispensary for Sick Animals (PDSA) in Warrington where Rooney is recuperating following the incident, his wife Colleen explained what had happened.
She said, "I'd gone out to get Wayne some dinner from the local pet shop and when I arrived home I found him choking on the floor of his cage. I thought 'What's he gone and tried to eat now?' It was then that I noticed pieces of our son Kai's Rubik's Cube all over the floor. Kai must've taken it apart without me noticing. Anyway, Wayne thought the pieces were square Skittles. He loves Skittles does our Wayne. The idea of a new type of Skittles got him over-excited. He managed to reach through the bars of his cage to get his hands on the pieces and tried to eat them. After some quick thinking I performed the hymen manoeuvre on him and a couple of the little coloured blocks shot out of his mouth and across the room into the swing bin. Wayne's always had an excellent aim."
Rooney, who was recently mistaken for a chimp dressed in a tracksuit by a group of school children while on a trip to Twycross zoo with his family, is believed to be the first person to ever attempt to eat the popular 80's brain teasing puzzle after thinking it was confectionary.
Colleen did reveal that this isn't the first time her husband has done something like this. She said, "I was learning to play the bugle last year until Wayne tried to eat it thinking it was a bagel. He gets confused by words sometimes. Mind you, the bugle thing was funny. Some of the noises he was making with it stuck in his throat were hilarious."
She also confirmed that she'd confiscated his KerPlunk. Explaining why, she told us, "Knowing Wayne he'll probably try to eat that as well. To him it looks like little pickled onions on cocktail sticks. It's best to be on the safe side. After all, he's worth a fortune."
Sir Alex Ferguson was unavailable for comment as he's busy putting a new plug on his hairdryer in preparation for Rooney's return.

[Sailor Steve]

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

After some quick thinking I performed the hymen manoeuvre on him and a couple of the little coloured blocks shot out of his mouth and across the room into the swing bin. Wayne's always had an excellent aim.

Should that be 'Heimlich' maneuver, or am I missing the point?

[breadcatcher101]

IRISH GAS STATION

Taking a wee break from the golf course,
Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into
An Irish gas station.

An attendant greets him in typical Irish
Manner, unaware who the golf pro is...
"Top o' the mornin to ya".

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees
Fall out of his pocket.

"So what are those things, laddie?"
Asks the attendant.

They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?"
Inquires the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when
I drive," replies Tiger.

"Aw, Jesus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims
The Irish attendant. "Those fellas at
Mercedes think of everything."

[BossMark]

Can't believe there holding a awards ceremony in honour of that guy who killed his girlfriend to night