The joke thread II

[Catfish]

"I believe Donald Trump was sent by god"
"Why? Did he run out of locusts?"

[Jimbuna]

Shhh... This is a top secret!
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Shhh... This a bottom secret!

[magic452]

A Covid Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, but Covid was here,
So we all had to stay extra cautious this year.
Our masks were all hung by the chimney with care
In case Santa forgot his and needed a spare.
With Covid, we couldn't leave cookies or cake
So we left Santa hand sanitizer to take.

The children were sleeping, the brave little tots
The ones over 5 had just had their first shots,
And mom in her kerchief and me in my cap
Had just settled in for a long winter's nap.
But we tossed and we turned all night in our beds
As visions of variants danced in our heads.

Gamma and Delta and now Omicron
These Covid mutations that go on and on
I thought to myself, "If this doesn't get better,
I'll soon be familiar with every Greek letter".

Then just as I started to drift off and doze
A clatter of noise from the front lawn arose.
I leapt from my bed and ran straight down the stair
I opened the door, and an old gent stood there.

His N 95 made him look pretty weird
But I knew who he was by his red suit and beard.
I kept six feet away but blurted out quick
"What are you doing here, jolly Saint Nick?"

Then I said, "Where's your presents, your reindeer and sleigh ?
Don't you know that tomorrow will be Christmas Day? ".
And Santa stood there looking sad in the snow
As he started to tell me a long tale of woe.

He said he'd been stuck at the North Pole alone
All his white collar elves had been working from home,
And most of the others said "Santa, don't hire us!
We can live off the CERB now, thanks to the virus".

Those left in the toyshop had little to do.
With supply chain disruptions, they could make nothing new.
And as for the reindeer, they'd all gone away.
None of them left to pull on his sleigh.

He said Dasher and Dancer were in quarantine,
Prancer and Vixen refused the vaccine,
Comet and Cupid were in ICU,
So were Donner and Blitzen, they may not pull through.

And Rudolph's career can't be resurrected.
With his shiny red nose, they all think he's infected.
Even with his old sleigh, Santa couldn't go far.
Every border to cross needs a new PCR.

Santa sighed as he told me how nice it would be
If children could once again sit on his knee.
He couldn't care less if they're naughty or nice
But they'd have to show proof that they'd had their shot twice.

But then the old twinkle returned to his eyes.
And he said that he'd brought me a Christmas surprise.
When I unwrapped the box and opened it wide,
Starlight and rainbows streamed out from inside.

Some letters whirled round and flew up to the sky
And they spelled out a word that was 40 feet high.
There first was an H, then an O, then a P,
Then I saw it spelled HOPE when it added the E.

"Christmas magic" said Santa as he smiled through his beard.
Then suddenly all of the reindeer appeared.
He jumped into his sleigh and he waved me good-bye,
Then he soared o'er the rooftops and into the sky.

I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight
"Get your vaccines my friends, Merry Christmas, good-night".
Then I went back to bed and a sweet Christmas dream
Of a world when we'd finished with Covid 19.



Magic

[Jimbuna]

Son: “Yeah.”

Detector: “Beep.“

Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.”

Detector: “Beep.”

Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”

Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“

Detector: “Beep.”

Mother laughs: “Ha ha ha, well, he really is your son!”

Detector: “Beep.”

[Jimbuna]

The teacher walks into the classroom and calls the class of 10 year olds to order.

“Ok children, today we are going to play a little game. I am going to ask you what your father does and you will say what he does, then you will spell it out loud and then you will tell the class what he would do if he were here right now.”

The teacher surveys the class then picks her top student to go first, “Suzie what does your father do?”

Suzie stands up and says, “My dad is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here he would give us all a loaf of bread.”

“Excellent”, crows the teacher, “Well done Suzie.” She looks around again and calls out David. David stands up.

“My dad is a Banker. B-A-N-K-E-R. If he was here he would give us all $1.”

“Well done David. Timmy, your turn.”

“Um well, my d-d-d dad is an Electrician. E-T-C-R um E-C-T um E-L-E-D….”

The teacher shouts at Timmy. “For goodness sake Timmy that is ridiculous. At this age you should know how to spell what your father does for a job. Go to the back, face the corner and stay there until you can spell it correctly and without hesitation!”

Timmy shuffles off to the back corner as the teacher turns around again and barks out the name Johnny. Johnny stands confidently with a smile plastered across his face.

“My dad is a Bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E. And if he was here he would bet 100 to 1 that Timmy ain't leaving that corner all day.

[Jimbuna]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

'I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.'

'so what do you think about that Doc?'

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

'I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'

'As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver siting at the waters edge...'

'He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it right at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang bang'.'

'Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now what do you think about that?' asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, 'Logic would strongly suggest that someone else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'

The doctor replied, 'My point exactly.'

[Jimbuna]

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to fuss, "Where did you get that car?"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents? "We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "This one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to panic and asked, "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?"

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name, they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother to the boys father, "John, you go right up there and see what's going on"

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know what was going on.

"Well," she said, "This morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. The secretary took his money and left him after they had arrived. He called me and claimed he was robbed and stranded. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money...So I did."

[Jeff-Groves]

I came up with a Million Dollar idea!
I'm going to produce door locks for Tents!

[Jimbuna]

A girl invites her boyfriend to come over for dinner with her parents. She tells him that after dinner, she would "do it" with him for the first time. Never having done this before, the boy goes to the local pharmacist for advice. The pharmacist gives him all the information he needs to know about protection. At the end, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy chooses the family pack, thinking that this being his first time, he would be kept busy all night.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's house and joins her parents for dinner. He offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and he is still deep in prayer with his head down. Five minutes pass. Ten minutes pass and the girl, now unable to contain her curiosity, leans over and whispers in his ears, "I didn't know that you were so religious!" to which the boy replies, "I didn't know that your dad was a pharmacist."

[Platapus]

For Christmas Breakfast, I like to eat Eggs Benedict served on a car's hubcap.


After all, there is no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.

[Catfish]

This year I will be enjoying a white Christmas.

And if the white runs out, I will drink the red.

[Jimbuna]

One young man went for an IAS Interview.

"When did India get independence? " He was asked.

"The efforts began a few years earlier and final result was in 1947" He replied.

"Who was responsible for our independence? "

"There were so many. Whom to mention? If I name one, it will be a injustice to another. " He replied.

"Is corruption the number one enemy in our country?"

"Some research is going on the subject and I can answer with certainly only after seeing the report" He replied.

The interview board was very pleased with his original and thoughtful answers and asked him not to reveal the questions to others, since they were planning to ask the same questions.

When he went out naturally others were curious to know what was asked. He politely declined, but one persistent Santa would not leave him. "At least tell me the answers" he pleaded, and our friend obliged.

Then it was the turn of this Santa. When he went inside, since his resume was slightly illegible, the board member asked him." By the way, what is your date of birth?"

He replied, " The effort began a few years earlier and final result was in 1947."

Somewhat puzzled, they asked another clarification. "What is your fathers name?"

He replied, "There were so many. Whom to mention". If I name one, it will be injustice to another".

The interviewer was incensed.

" Hey! Are you mad or what?"

He replied. "Some research is going on the subject. I can answer with certainty only after seeing the report. "

[Platapus]

I was doing some last minute Christmas shopping for the kids


I asked the clerk where I could find the Terminator toys


He replied. Aisle B, Back

[Platapus]

Santa has the right idea
Only visit people once a year.

[Jimbuna]

A man is driving down the street one night and sees a nun hitchhiking on the side of the road. Wanting to do a good deed, he pulls over and offers to pick her up.

Thankful, the nun gladly accepts his ride and tells him where she is heading. This happens to be on the way for him anyway, so even better!

The conversation on the way is a bit stiff at first — you know, not really knowing how to talk to a nun and all — but it eventually develops into a light, breezy conversation. They are really getting along and having a nice time.

So the guy nervously decides to delve a little deeper and asks,

“Sister, I hope you don’t mind me asking, but one thing that I’ve always wondered about is how you can go your whole life without having sex? Isn’t that hard?”

The nun replies, “Well, you know my son, that’s a big misconception. We actually are allowed to have sex, we just have to follow 3 rules.”

“Rule number one is that you can only have sex with someone who is Catholic.”

“Rule number two is that you can only have sex with someone who is not married.”

“Rule number three is that it must be up the butt.”

Intrigued, he replies, “Well sister, I’m Catholic and I’m not married. What do you say…..”

She gives him the once over and says, “Ok, why not?”

So they pull over into a secluded lot and go at it hot and heavy, and have a great time.

They get back on the road and eventually get to the nun’s destination. She turns to say goodbye and sees the man is crying.

“Goodness, what’s the matter?” she asks him

“Sister, I feel so guilty, I must confess. I’m actually Jewish and married!” he says

The nun looks at him and says, “That’s ok because my name is Steve and I’m headed to a costume party.