The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

Im in a band called Reincarnation . .

We're making a comeback

[BossMark]

It's Saint Patrick's day and an armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.
The Robber Shoots the Guy Without Hesitation!
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him also.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
Did anyone else see my face?' screams the robber.
There is a few moments of silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, 'I think me wife may have caught a glimpse.'

[Jimbuna]

BBC News:
"BT. ordered to block pirate links".

I didn't realise pirates played golf.

[flatsixes]

Old one.

World war II breaks out one afternoon and and Joe joins the army to fight the Nazis.

After boot camp Joe gets assigned to the infantry, so he go to the quartermaster's to get his combat gear. He first gets in line for a combat knife, but when he gets to the front of the line he's told that the Army's run out of bayonets. "How am I supposed to fight the enemy up close without a knife?" he asked, startled.

The quartermaster replied: "Easy, soldier. Whenever a German gets too close, just scream out "STAB-ITY STAB STAB!" while making stabbing motions with your arm."

Joe thought the quartermaster was nuts, but as is everything else in the Army was also nuts, he just shrugged his shoulders and moved over to the rifle line.

When Joe finally got to the front of the rifle line, he was told that the Army had run out of guns. " But...but..." Joe stammered, "how am I going to shoot at the enemy without a gun?" Again the quartermaster stepped in and said reassuringly "Easy, soldier. Just point your finger at the enemy and yell "BANG-ITY BANG BANG!"

Joe stared back in disbelief for a few moments, and then shook his head and moved one to the hand grenade line. Sure enough, Joe waited in line only to be told that the Army had run out of hand grenades "Let me guess," Joe said to the quartermaster, "I make a hand grenade throwing motion and yell out 'BOOM-ITY BOOM BOOM!" right?" "Exactly!" smiled the quartermaster as he slapped Joe on the back. "You've got the makings of a real career soldier!"

A week later, Joe was in France facing a massive German assault. As the bombs exploded around Joe and and bullets whizzed past his head, a German soldier suddenly jumped out from behind a tree and took aim at Joe's platoon sergeant. The panicked private did his best to remember what the quartermaster had told him, then pointed his finger at the German and yelled out "BANG-ITY BANG BANG!" To Joe's utter amazement, the German instantly keeled over and dropped dead.

Joe then shot three more attackers before the Germans overran his position and the combat became hand-to-hand. "STAB-ITY STAB STAB! "STAB-ITY STAB STAB!" Joe screamed as one German after another succumbed to the stabbing motion of his empty hand.

It just a few minutes' time, Joe's one-man show had stopped the German offensive in its tracks. But Joe wasn't not done yet. He leaped out of the trenches and rushed after the retreating Germans making throwing motions and yelling "BOOM-ITY BOOM BOOM!" at the top of his lungs.

Soon, what started as a retreat became a rout, and every German soldier that could still move was running for his life away from Joe. All except one German. One very large, very fat Corporal who was headed directly at Joe. Joe ran at the fat German throwing his fake grenades and yelling "BOOM-ITY BOOM BOOM!" at the top of his lungs, but the German kept on coming. Then Joe pointed his finger right at the German's face and yelled out "BANG-ITY BANG BANG!" repeatedly, but the enormous German continued to advance, unfazed. Suddenly, the enormous German was almost on top of Joe's position, so Joe whipped out his knife hand and started screaming "STAB-ITY STAB STAB!" over and over and over again, but nothing seemed stop this German!!!

Bewildered, frightened and utterly exhausted, Joe fell back into his trench and hunkered down to await his fate. Moments later the huge German corporal appeared at the top of the trench. And just before that German he fell upon poor old Joe, just before the German's immense weight crushed the life out of our boy, Joe heard the German say the last words that Joe would ever hear.




"TANK-ITY TANK TANK"

[Jimbuna]

Man goes into a library and asks for a book about French War Heroes.

The librarian tells him to try the fiction section.

[BossMark]

Q: What is the first thing the French Army teaches at basic training?
A: How to surrender in at least 10 languages.

[Growler]

Q. Why do the new Italian navy have glass-bottomed ships?
A. So they can see the old Italian navy.

[Jimbuna]

An oldie but still one of my favourites.

An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.

At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

"You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."

The British gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"

The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.

Then he quietly explained;

"Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

[Growler]

Then there was the elite French unit, the Leper Brigade. After they were defeated and disarmed, their jaws dropped when the post-war French government left them without a leg to stand on.

[Jimbuna]

Now that is a good one and one I've never heard before

[Sailor Steve]

Originally Posted by jimbuna

An oldie but still one of my favourites...

Which leads to a similar favorite of mine:

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The PA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

[BossMark]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating, when they come upon a rotting, dead camel.

"Well," said the Englishman, "I support the Liverpool football club, so I'll eat the liver."

"I support the Hearts club," said the Scotsman, "so I'll eat the heart."

"I support Arsenal," said the Irishman, "but I seem to have lost my appetite."

[Jimbuna]

My wife just told me she was leaving me due to my constant constipation. To be honest, I really couldn't give a sh!t.

[BossMark]

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Irishman were in a pub talking about their children.
'My son was born on St George's Day, 'remarked the Englishman, 'So we obviously decided to call him George.'
'That's a real coincidence', observed the Frenchman', My daughter was born on Valentine's Day, so we decided to call her Valentine.'
'That's really incredible', drawled the Irishman, 'Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake

[Hottentot]

This is being told as a true story. So the obligatory first (*ahem*): this happened to my cousin's best friend's dog's sister's owner's namesake.

A police officer was on duty and met a beautiful young woman. The woman asked for directions from the officer, but they ended up chatting a little more. It just happened, they seemed to match perfectly with each other. So the officer gathered his courage and asked straightforwardly if they could meet up sometime when he was not on duty.

The lady accepted. She explained that she worked as a nurse in the local mental asylum and lived inside its compound. But it would be OK for the officer to visit him in the evening. So they agreed on time and date and each went their own way.

The time and date came. The officer went to the asylum's compound, met with the nurse, had a great evening. So great, in fact, that he lost his sense of time. He knew he had to work tomorrow and it was getting late already. So he politely wished the nurse good night, agreed on another time and date, took his coat and left.

When trying to leave the compound, however, he was stopped by a guard on the gate. The guard said it's late and no one is allowed out before tomorrow, 8am. Patient safety and all that. The officer explained that he is not a patient at all, but just a visitor and that the asylum's rules can't apply to him.
"No", the guard was ardent. "No one leaves before 8am."
"Look here, fellow", the officer lost his temper. "I'm a police officer and I need to report for duty at the station tomorrow exactly 6am!"
"Yes", the guard replied unimpressed. "And the last two persons at this gate were Napoleon and Jesus Christ. Sod off."


-------------------

Another one which goes around as a true story. After the war there was shortage of many things in Finland. So of course black market and smuggling were also profitable. The people at the customs also knew this and were very strict when checking border crossers for suspicious activity.

In the North, on the border between Finland and Sweden, there was a particularly suspicious man. Every day he crossed the border to Sweden in the morning and returned in the evening. He went empty handed, but when he returned, he always had a wheelbarrow full of sand.

Every single day he was stopped at the customs. The officers were sure he was smuggling something. They examined the sand with every method they had at their disposal and always came to the same conclusion: it was sand. Nothing else. When asked why he did that, the man explained that he was building a house and needed sand. And he thought the sand in Sweden had better quality than sand in Finland. The officers concluded he was crazy but harmless, probably having suffered mental breakdown during the war.

It wasn't until much later when they realized that he had smuggled stolen wheelbarrows.