The Special Snowflake in Desert: A Fallout 3 AAR

[Schroeder]

Awesome.

[Hottentot]

Yawn! Is this the only party place this hole has? Well okay, I suppose they serve apple cider in here. Perhaps I'll just step in and see what's on the...





Ewww! Gee-Tee-Ef-Oh, freak! That's, like, the lamest hitting attempt I've ever seen!





Brainwash? Yeah like, reality check, at least I totally have brain to wash here. And speaking of washing, how about you get intimate with the soap before getting intimate with any, like, women! Leave me alone!





Gross! Why do all the men always try getting in my pants?! Men are all shallow pigs who are only thinking about sex. No wonder they hang out in a places like this.





I mean, God! Electric light! This must be, like, the newest thing since sliced bread to guys like him. I totally haven't drunk enough apple cider to make him look even moderately attractive yet. But perhaps I'll fix that.





Well finally someone I can relate to. I mean, apart from layer of dirt and still not knowing what running water means, she seems OK.





Oh! An oppressed woman! Yeah, sister, you should totally stand up for your rights! You know because like really blahblahblahmenblahblahblahpigsblahblahblahchauvin istblahblahblahheteronormativeblahblahblahpatriarc hyblahblahblahoppressionsblahblahblahrepressionbla hblahblahanarcho-capitalismblahblahblahveganismblahblahblahreincarn ationblahblahblahequalityblahblahblah...


Sheesh, is it just me or is the air really dry in here? I still need that apple cider!





Hey! Cute, totally funny and witty bartender guy? Could I...GAAAH, WTF ARE YOU??!! HAVEN'T YOU HEARD OF SUNSCREEN??!! WHERE'S THE TOILET, I NEED TO PUKE!!!





Must be somewhere in he...hey?! Are you winking at me?! I think you're winking at me?! Stop that! Can't a girl feel nauseated here in peace?!





AND STOP THINKING ABOUT SEX!!!





Uh, helloooooo?! Not that kind of Liberal! I mean, maybe if you got rid of that totally turn off hat, but...





WHAAAAT??!!





That's it! I'm finding that unwashed guy who called himself sheriff and tell him that dirty old man just tried to turn me into a prostitute!





Hey! Hey you! You there! Big, muscular, overly-masculine male with the facial hair! Represent me!





Yeah, I'm totally a fragile girl in shocked state and want a knight in shining armor (that's you, dummy) to go punch him in the face for me.





Well yeah, I guess throwing him in a dark cell and throwing the key away satisfies my inner need for primitive revenge too.





OK, I'll leave the boys to settle it together. That will teach that dirty old man to think women need those male chauvinist pigs for something.

[Hottentot]

Huh? What's that then? It's like everyone was congregating around that obnoxiously obvious phallic symbol and paying some sort of respect to it. I'll have to tell these people of my political opinions on equality and female emancipation!





Uh, hello? You're some sort of head chauvinist around here, right?





Yeah, I just wanted to say you're, like, soooooo wrong because blahblahblahinequalityblahblahblahundereducationbl ahblahblahsmellyblah...





Huh? Okay. Well, I disagree and that's wrong! And furthermore blahblahblahrightsblahblahblahfeministtheoryblahbl ahblahgenderstudiesblahblahblah





BlahblahblahMarxblahblahblahHoppeblahblahblahPoppe rblahblahblahLévi-Strausblahblahblah





blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahbl ahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah





blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahbl ahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah





blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahba...h ey? Where did everyone go? I wasn't done yet!





How impolite! They turned of the lights too light I wasn't there to begin with. Good thing I can see in dark. I never knew my body was self-illuminated, but it appears it is.





I'm not feeling very good, though. Must have caught cold or something.





Maybe Wendy would have some hot tofu soup to help it.





Hi Wendy! I'm a little ill.





Teehee, you're such a charmer. I, like, totally love you despite of you being a smelly working class girl!





Huh? How can you interpret what I said like that? Do you know what I said? I said blahblahblahblahblah...





And then I was like yadayadayadayada and then Mary said blahblahblah and the boys yadayadayada "look at those muscular arms" blahblahblah men chauvinist pigs blahblahblah.


Hey, I'm already feeling better! Thanks, Wendy! You really are cool depsite of not having understood the genius in Hoppe's collected works. Bee-Ef-Ef!





Wow! Really? Like not just a SUPER mart, but like, a SUPER-DUPER MART?! You know what that means??!!





Shopping spree!!!!! Squeeeeeeel!!!!





...And stop trying to hit on me, metal freak!

[Hottentot]

Sheesh this place is hot! Will someone finally turn the air conditioning on?! I hope the sunscreen is on sale.





Oooooooooo, puppy <3 <3 <3!!!!!! I love puppies!!! I love all animals!! Well, except the fish. They are slimy. Ewww!





Here, Sparky! Come to mommy!





Oooww, it bit me! It bit me!! Is that blood?! Ohmygod I can't stand blood! Especially not my own! Down, Sparky! Down!





Heeeelp! Will someone please put a leash on him?!!





Whew. I think he went away. Okay, the coast is clear.





These local dog owners should really train their puppies better. I wonder where that puppy's master was anyways? I'll have to give him a stern lecture on animal cruelty and ethical training methods when I find him.





Finally! The proverbial oasis of consumption! The veritable paradise of slashed prices! The Elysian field of 100%-ethical-and-globally-conscious-customer-choices! 75 % discounts, here I come!





Okay, I know how it is with the sales. The queue must be miles long by this time of the day already. I'd better go in carefully and see where I could slip in...





...Unnoticed????





Oh...oh dear...





They must have started already. This poor fellow was trampled to death!





Huh? That's pretty clever. I've never thought of passing the queue by reversing gravity. Seems he got caught for breaking the laws of physics, though. Must still note that for myself.





This changes things.





My adversaries are obviously seasoned veterans of the sales wars.





I may have to change tactics to overcome them. I may have to go against some of my basic principles...





...for values even more precious than those.





My wardrobe depends on it!!!





Good thing I have this toy pistol with me, so I can spook them. Okay, here goes nothing.

[Hottentot]

Everyone freeze! I'm armed with a non-biodegradable piece of child amusement industry and I'm not afraid to take the nature as my hostage if need be!





Huh? It's empty? Where is everyone?





Wooo! Apart from the mess, it seems all the stuff is still untouched!! Where's my handbag?!





According to what I have studied in the anthropology classes, the primitive cultures use those to store food. Let's see if soy sausages would be discounted!





Eeww, what's that? I can't tell from all the mold. I'd demand a refund if I had bought anything in the first place. Pass!





WOW, a brand new hairdryer with two sets of batteries too! Gimme!





Cool, this must be some sort of new model. My preliminary analysis concludes that it propels some sort of concentration of hot air approximately 600 feet away and can thus be used to dry hair remotely too. Handy!





I'd better hold on to it. Now where's the clothes isle? I totally need something more fashionable than these old coveralls I'm still wearing.





Good thing I'm all alone in here. Would hate to fight for my life over a new pair of trousers.





That looks like the customer service desk. I'll ask there!





Uh, hello! Could you please point me to your new summer models?





And while you're at it, I'd like to ask about this hair dryer I bought. See, I'm still a little unsure on how to change the batteries on this thing. I mean, I've already found this big button that makes it go like this...





Ohmygod I'm terribly sorry! I totally didn't mean to do that!





So anyway, if you could...hey, where are you going?! Stop dividing into two when I'm talking to you!





Ohmygod his head! His head just removed itself from his body!! He must had some sort of condition! And I talked to him!! What if it's infectious! Ohmygodohmygodohmygod!!!!





Hey, great, it's great you arrived here! Your colleague seemed to suffer from a fatal case of craniumus removalius just as I was trying to ask about this...





...hair dryer...





Oh dear, what happened to that poor clerk! It's like everyone here is somehow weird!

[Hottentot]

Look, there's no reason for you three to eye me like that! All I did was demonstrate to your colleagues my new...





...Hair dryer.





OK, they didn't want to listen to reason! I'm out of here!!





Whew. OK, I'm all hidden here. I'll lay low until those angry clerks go back to drinking coffee on their employer's time.





I mean, they may be armed to teeth and angry, but they are working class conservatives after all. Like Joe the Plumber.





So there's no way they're smart enough to find me here, right?





RIGHT?!





Look, can't we talk about this? This hair dryer must be somehow faulty, but it's not my fault as a customer that you're selling one!





Weird? It seems to really make them go napping. I must return it to the manufacturer. And file a complaint about these clerks' abysmal idea of customer service.





Hey, is that a mattress in the corner?





Great! I'm sure they won't mind if I test this product more thoroughly before buying it! Eight or so hours should be enough!





Yuck, gross! Someone should call a health inspector here to see how they treat their groceries!

[Hottentot]

Hmm, a locked door? Perhaps it's the manager's office? If so, then I really have some choice words for him!





Uh, hello? Is there anyone here? More to the point, is there anyone in here with at least a BBA?





Eww! You'd think the local manager at least could manage to afford a cleaner! What a mess!





Stashing the company's products away for personal use is really not very ethical either. I'm really starting to doubt this place.





On the other hand, since there is no one here, I suppose they won't mind if I'll help myself to some Diazepams. They'll understand when I tell them how their employees treated me.





Huh? I never noticed that before? I wonder what it is?





Oh! There's someone living in there! Hello there! Would you happen know where I could find this store's...





...uh, manager?





Or maybe you actually are the manager here? Yes? No? Maybe?


Why are you staring me?





No! Stay away! I'm not here for job interview!!!





Whew! He or she or whatever heard something and forgot about me. That's almost reassuring. The less assuring aspect of this situation is the logic dictating that where there is someone hearing something...





There is something...or someone...making a noise.





Oh dear! Oh dear oh dear! The angry clerks called the security! It's like my prom night, except I'm not drunk at all and back home all I got was stern lecturing from the security officers and then daddy. I...I may have to...I never thought about it, but I may have to...





OK, Laura-Anne...close your eyes...you can do this...you can...you can...





While my visionary sensors are at the moment somewhat voluntarily disabled, my aural senses register a scream from the approximate direction and distance of the security officer who was just about to charge the manager and then probably beat the living light out of me. This leads me to the conclusion that the bolt of of heated air must have contacted with the target's cranial area, causing, if the old signs are to be believed, sudden dislodging of the said, rather vital piece of organs from the general body mass of the object of targeting. Which most likely means I just became a murderer.





Uh, so uh, yippi ki yay clinical Oedipus Complex patients!





WHO AM I KIDDING?! LEGS, DO YOUR STUFF!!!

[Hottentot]

Whew! I got a cut-away back here with no further problems. I'd better inform Wendy that her Super-Duper Mart turned out to be very weird and the sales weren't even that good.





Hi, Wendy! I'm back! And you should, like, totally know that the staff at that shop is very unprofessional and didn't want to really help me or even sell me anything. How they stay in business is beyond me!





Wow, that's right! They didn't want to sell me anything, because they were hording all the best discounts for themselves! That makes, like, so much more sense now! Wendy, you're totally cool! Do you know some other places I should visit?





Wow?! Really? Like, real ghosts and all?! Ohmygod! I totally need to see that! Where is it?!





Huh? I'm not following? You're saying the ghosts are not in the town, but in the mines? But I don't want to go in a mine! They're dirty! I don't wanna ruin my make-up!



Well, I'm sure Wendy tried to help me anyway. I mean, the working class people are pretty honest usually. Lying takes certain amount of IQ, after all, according to the latest psychological papers I have read. And she was nice enough to give me some local currency for my troubles at the mall.





And that can mean only one thing...





Shopping spree back on agenda!!!! Squeeeeeel!!!






THIS PLACE BLOWS!!!!





I have scoured literally every inch of this miserable hole and there is not a single shop that would sell anything even remotely fashionable let alone manufactured ethically.





But since Keynesian economy theories have taught me that squirreling away money is bad for the wealth of the nations, I intend to fulfill my duty as a conscious customer and spend away my worldly gains the only way these locals seem to know.





Bartender! Give me an apple cider!





Woooooooow...





Wheeee, I'm a liiiiittle wooooozyyyy ooooveeeer heeereee...





I'm going to...tell the world...err...all kinds of stuff! Weheee!





Wow! The colors...





Out of my way, both of you! I OWN THIS STREET!





Ooo! Hi boys! Are you boys? No matter! Teehee!





Okay, no need to fight over me! There's plenty of me for everyone! Teehee, I think I'm drunk...eeh...

[Sailor Steve]

Oh, Hotsy Totsy, you are a genius!

A sick, twisted, evil genius, but a funny one too. I missed this at first and just spent way too much time catching up. I'd complain if I wasn't laughing so hard.

[Hottentot]

Originally Posted by Sailor Steve

Oh, Hotsy Totsy, you are a genius!

A sick, twisted, evil genius, but a funny one too.

In this particular case I'd rather describe myself as a bitter genius with five years worth of irrational wrath to vent.

- - - - - - -


Eeeeerg...





Teehee, oh yes captain! You can take me to any locker you want!





Oh I do like to stroll u...uugh, my head...where am I?





And more importantly whatever happened to the ocean, the yacht and the rich, handsome captain I was just going to marry and have all the shoes I ever wanted in life?!





Perhaps he went to that village? Or someone saw him? I'm going to check it out!





Looks empty. You know, this wouldn't be even annoying if it wasn't like the tenth or so time this happens to me after a date.





Nope, no one here. The whole place is dese...





...Eeeeeeek! Who are you?! You are not my captain! You are not even handsome! Or very rich either, by the looks of it.





Hey, no need to get snarky with me! It's not my fault you're lacking something crucial to attract me. An inheritance worth a few million dollars would go a long way to fix that. What's your problem anyway?!





Huh? What the heck is a mutt ant? Some new variant of Staffordshire bull terrier?





Ooo, right, now I get it! We call them "conservatives" in English.





Yeah, those right wing nuts are big on the army, you know. I, like, totally resent that and think we should just convert all the guns into plows so you working class people would be doing something more productive than killing each other with them.





Case in point.





Not to mention totally compensating something too. So uh, any decent place here to have a party?





Oh, don't worry about age restrictions: I know, like, one thousand ways to lie to the bouncer about my age. Anything else?





Look, there's no need for the hostility! Don't you judge me! Can't a liberal minded girl have fun every once in a while?!





NOT THAT KIND OF FUN!!!!!

[Hottentot]

This place stinks! Proverbially and literally! They say it's called Big Town, but all I see is six shacks and not a single mall or even four star restaurants. What kind of lame town doesn't take care of its most basic services?





Asking the locals isn't very helpful either. I mean, either they don't even know the concept of having fun...





OR THEY ARE DIRTY OLD MEN!!!! GET AWAY FROM ME!!!!





These houses don't even have a cable TV. Now that's lame! How can these people ever imagine to learn anything if they don't have a TV?!





Apparently the best thing you can do here is to sleep. Boooriiiing!





Hey no wait! It seems this person is not sleeping but unconscious. So there must be apple cider somewhere in here, after all! Good thing I'm a highly trained medical expert! I know that you can wake up an unconscious person by controlling the blood circulation and for that you need to press just the right spot in the wrist here.

But the text book said that something should be avoided in any conditions. What was it again? I had a litle hangover when I took that exam. I think it was something about not...





...err, pressing too hard. Hello? Mr. Heart? Are you there?

...poo...





Well, good thing I'm highly educated expert in the art of forensic science as well. I know that after something like this happens, the first step is to hide the body.





Disguising him as a table should be enough to absolve me of all guilt.





Of course it wouldn't hurt to increase the velocity of my steps into the 180 degrees direction from the crime scene by 50,635726 % either.

[Hottentot]

So, about the houses: I'm sure someone here must have at least a TV somewhere. That's, like, written in the constitution, I swear. Second amendment or something. That's what the fuss is always about anyway, so it must be something important like that...





She looks smart. I'll ask her.





See: I knew from the very look on her face that she was the natural leader of these working class people!





Yeah I mean, like, totally! Like, blahblahblahblah...





blahblahblahblahstupidblahblahblahblahTVblahblahbl ahblahmakeupblahblahblahblah...





blahblahblahblahyadayadayadablahblahblahblahyakyak yakblahblahblahblah...





Blahblahblahblahboysblahblahblahblahmusclesblahbla hblahblahbutseriouslyblahbla...HUH?!





Whew! For a moment there I thought you said something important! Anyway, like, blahblahblahblahblah...





Blahblahbla...HEY! That's, like, totally impolite! Where are your manners?! You are supposed to be interested in what I say!





Look, just because all the boys are pigs doesn't mean you can be like them! Fight the power, sister!





Yeah, that's the spirit! So then, blahblahblahblahblah...





Blahblahblahblah. Yeah, like, totally! Hey, will you tell me where's the toilet in here? I think I need to take care of some personal business.





Eww, is this what they call sanitary rooms in here? No wonder they are all smelly. I'm not touching that thing!





That place sucked! No TV, only one smart person and not even proper toilets! I'm out of here! I'm going back to Wendy! She understands me!

[Hottentot]

Uh, come to think of it, I have no idea where Wendy lives. But she can't be far away. In fact, I'm sure I'm hearing some noises from behind that rock in there.





Perhaps it's her? I'd better check it out!





Oh! Oh my! That's no Wendy! She has much better fashion sense than to wear an old car tire on her shoulder! It must be one of those scary conservatives that dolt back in that town was talking about.





No worries! I woke up with a gun today! I'm going to scare him away with this! I hear the conservatives are very afraid of the guns and write incomprehensible rants about their fears to the Internet forums all the time.





Err, now that I think about it, I'm not sure if it was that...





...or being afraid of losing their guns...um, stop? Please?





WHY DON'T YOU STOP?!





STOP!





Whew! It worked! I just had to use sentences short enough for his proto-brain to understand. That's nice Mr. Conservative. Just stay there now and you'll get a cookie. Okay...uh...bye and stuff...





Better proceed carefully. They might have a den somewhere in here. I heard those conservatives are big on family values and discriminating the good and honest rainbow folks.





Ugh, is this what they call home? More like trailer park to me! No way I'm spending another minute in this dump!





Perhaps those good people could point me to Wendy's home? I mean, everyone reads her adventures, so they should know where she lives.





Oh, how cute. It's the local baseball team practicing. Personally I don't see appeal in sending round objects on ballistic trajectory by hitting them with over-compensating phallic symbols, but I'm sure these simple folks find much joy in it. I still have to disturb their euphoria for directions.





Um, hello? Could you tell me where...oh, hey, there's no need to come closer, I can hear you just fine from here...





No, seriously, I'm sure it's a nice bat but I'm not interested in it.





Don't you understand plain English?! Stop charging me!! I just want some directions to find my friend!!





STOP!!!





Whew! It worked again! Those must have been friends of those clerks in the Super-Duper Mart. I must have been put on some Disgruntled Clerks International Black List if every single underpaid customer service person here wants to act exceedingly violently towards me.





There are more of them! It's like some sort of convention they are having here or something!





Okay! If a strongly worded complaint is what they want, then it is what I will give them. This time I'm not taking risk but playing their game.

[Hottentot]

ATTENTION, ATTENTION!! FREE COFFEE AND CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES FOR ALL THE EMPLOYEES BEHIND THE HUGE, FEATURELESS ROCK!!!





My deep understanding of literary conventions lead me to conclude that this kind of situation is the proper kind to use phrases such as "hasta la vista human being between ages of zero months and twelve months!"





Whew! I got one of them! But that one must be already deafened by the endless complaints of customer since she didn't hear my call. I may need to sneak closer.





Poo! She's not here anymore! She went into that house and I can clearly hear them laughing at me there. But it appears they haven't noticed me yet. Good thing I studied extensive military tactics theory one night when I was locked in the toilet with nothing else to read for eight hours.





It said it's important to conceal yourself from the enemy and blend with the environment. I'm therefore concealing as a rock.





Okay, what did it say about aiming? Right! Deep breath, focus, hold breath...





And pull the trigger.





Victory for the reason and science once more. I just wish the book had told me when can I stop holding my breath. It's starting to get really awkward...





Oh! This I have seen in the books about romantic cruises under the warm sun on wooden sail ships and with mysterious, muscular men who like parrots a lot. It's called "O-C-E-A-N"...though I think the books claimed it would be a little bigger?


Since I don't have a yacht with me, let alone know how to traverse such body of water without suffering from severe case of asphyxia, I need to find another way to cross it. I could try constructing some sort of device to reverse the laws of physics, but that would take too many hours. There must be a more convenient solution.





Such as a bridge, I suppose?





Sheesh, they couldn't build it any closer. It's like million degrees here and with this pace I could have as well build that machine. I should...wait a moment?!





Animal cruelty! Starved bovines! Mistreated cows! Too tight living conditions! Industrialized meat production!





CHAAARGE!!!





Evil doers! Your days of unethical cattle handling are over! Prepare to meet your maker in whatever weird Hell you world ruining meat eaters belong! I am the shining beacon of rigid moral codes forced upon the others and nothing is going to save you from my self-serving wrath!!





Oh? Nevermind then...





Yeah, I could like sort of tell by your animals. How did you treat them anyway?!





These people know more about the animal abusers! Very well! My moral crusade shall know no prisoners!

[Hottentot]

OK, junkies, here's finally your fix for today. Blame the Arma group for depriving me of sleep. Which in practice means blame yourselves, since I reckon you make up at least 95 % of this inane fable's readership.

- - - - - - - -


Open up, forces of ev...whuh?





Hey!? You don't look evil. I mean, you don't even have a goatee and you're nice to me? What gives? Where are the ones responsible for the excessive fauna cruelty?





Aha! So you admit being in league with them after all! I knew it all along! Then allow me to say a few words about blahblahblahethicsblahblahblahslavelaborblahblahbl ahsoapoperasblahblahblahgayrightsblahblahblahabort ionblahblahblah...





Blahblahbl...huh? Who are you?! Oppressive male chauvinist pig trying to get into my pants by artificially exploiting the ga...uh, world mechanics and making me talk to you instead of your wife?! Not working! Get out of my face!





OK, I think I put the fear of left wing authority in their hearts. But my quest to make the world a better place by having everyone agree with me is never over. Next!





Wasteland Animal Rights Watch! Open up!





WHAT?! HOW DARE YOU?! RESPECT WHAT I'M SAYING TO YOU!! I'M COMING IN THERE, WHETHER YOU WANT IT OR NOT...


...As soon as I figure how this weird obstacle on my way is opened again...





Bah, on second thought we already did the door opening scene and I hate reruns. Next!





Hello? Is there anyone...





GAAAH! ZOMBIES!!!!





AAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!





HEEEEEEELP!!!!!!!





YOU CAN'T EAT MY BRAIN!!!! I'M TOO ATTACHED TO IT!!!! I'M...I'M...





Quickly finding out why I should have been more interested in the laws of physics back in high school, it seems...





Uh, where's the surface again?





Hey, I landed in the Ocean. Cool! It appears I can fly in water! Like the Wonder Woman!! Plus based on my in depth study of folklore motifs, I'm sure the zombies can't cross running water, so I should be safe now.





That was a silly place. Back to adventuring and looking for Wendy.