The Tipsy Tale: An Oblivion Adventure

[Hottentot]

Eergh, why does every episode of my life have to start like this?

At least I woke up in bed this time. It's not my bed, granted, but a bed nevertheless. With any luck, there will also be a sparsely clothed gorgeous somewhere in here too...



Typical...

Well, who am I to look a gift excuse in the mouth when it comes calling? Yes, that's me: Lalli, the rat slayer! Fear my manly assets, you weasely rodents! I'm coming to get you! (And get far away from this hag while I'm at it too!)



What the...?!



If that's a rat, then I'm an absolutist! Screw this, I'm taking my chances with the hag after all!

[Beeb], the crazy [beeb] locked the door!



I'm outta here! Make way, rats! Do what lion appetizers like you are naturally supposed to do!



Freedom! Blue on white forever!



Or then not. The hag found me just when I was researching the local pub culture and demanded to know what happened. So I told her she'd better not go down there for a while...



And then I found out I was out of booze and she promised to pay my next round. That makes it a completely different matter then. So I'm getting this hunter guy and we are going to do some excatmination nearby. And then beer!



How does this hag always find me when I'm boozing?! It's like she's always homing on me, no matter where I am. Is there really no way of getting rid of her?!

In fact...I suppose there is...



Before becoming an adventurer, I never had seriously considered the pros and cons of being eaten by a lion. OK! Here I come! Not afraid at all!



After having a constructive discussion with my friend Mr. Axe, the over grown kitten agrees that it would be much more sensible for it to bite dust than biting my arm off. Victory is mine! And as the saying goes: to the victor...



...go the spoils. What a glorious sight! This situation just demands me to prove how great singers all the Nords naturally are. I know exactly the tune too. Now how did it go again...OK, here we go...

Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall...



Ninety-nine bottles of [hic] beer!



If...ooone Noord like...meee...



Comes into the...ball...[beeb]...haaaaall...



Theeeres no longer any beeeeer heere at aaaaaall...


...Glxblt...

[Hottentot]

I'm a little misty on details of what happened after the last bottle of wine had been emptied. But I remember finding myself in front of this church with very slippery stairs. And with a burning torch in my hand too.



I decided to go inside and see if they would have any Eucharist wine for my headache and found these three jolly fellows there having a party. Being naturally funny and charming guy, I of course joined the fun!



The food was great, but a little under cooked for my taste. I prefer potato chips with my beer anyway.



But despite of that, we had a lot of fun with my new friends. Who knew the church folks could party like that when not wearing all white?



The light effects were great too and wow, did they have some great booze that got even my head spinning around the ceiling!



As the party went on, I also met some of their friends. I didn't want to insult my hosts feelings, but man, those guys should really see from dictionary what the words "personal hygiene" mean.



It was all fun and great, until I decided to go for a little refreshing swim in the nearby river.



My next memory is me waking up in this little fishing village's main street. I'm sure there is a good and natural explanation to this all, but no time to dwell on it now. Time to act like a man and get up.



And naturally check out the local pub while I'm at it. Maybe these yokels serve some of that famous countryside moonshine I've heard about.



The bartender and I are immediately on the same wave lenghts. So I ask her about this local wine of theirs. She really likes giving me all sorts of details about it, but there is only one thing I want to know...



That's good enough for me! My infallible nose will take care of the rest!

Sniff sniff sniff sniff...



...Sniff sniff sniff sniff...There!



Onwards on glorious quest for better refreshments! Huzaa!



For it, however, I need to fight some of the unfortunate guys who succumbed to the thirst before finding it...



And then these folks who smell like me after sleeping in my own vomit...



But I bravely wade forward in the plumbers nightmare...



...And no bone leaves unturned. It's here somewhere! I can smell it! It's getting closer! It's calling me...



BINGO!!!



Wow man, this stuff is incredible! More!!



I need more!!

[Crécy]

[TarJak]

Brilliant AAR.

[Hottentot]

My epic quest takes me to another mysterious ruins, this time filled with over grown doggies...



Rats...



And a local junkie suffering from one serious hangover.



It all went well with him, until we ran out of booze and I was forced to assert my right to the last drops...



...Based on me having bigger axe at hand.



Ugh, no wonder he was such trouble. Turns out the guy was a real emo. I think I did him a favor by putting him out of his middleclass misery.



He had some boring books...



Was queer enough to wear baubbles...



Apparently kept the inheritance from his honorable warrior father stuffed in one chest...



And even kept a diary about his miserable failures with the opposite sex.

But those are not the worst offences. No. The worst thing is...



HE DRANK ALL THE MAGIC BOOZE!!!!



Sigh. There is only one bottle of normal left. I suppose it will do. I'm sure I can find some friends for this lonely bottle in tavern nearby...

[Hottentot]

[Grumble, grumble] stupid ruins [mumble, grumble] stupid quests [Murmur, rant, beeb] stupid emo kids drinking my booze...

And stupid Southern pubs. I've been here for ages and haven't even once got laid! That's going to change right now, perkele!



Eeww, no! I'm not drunk enough!



Hmm, better. Hello, gorgeous!



I tell you of when I was in the army. I remember when we once went to the forest and it was so [beeb] cold...



...and so we ended up in forest and it was so [beeb] cold...



...So we burned down our tent in forest and it was so [beeb] cold...



...And then we tried to [beeb] in forest...



But it was...too...[beeeeeeeeeeeeb] cooooooold...



...so [beeb] co...whuh? Where did she go?



Glxblt stoooopid foreigners...soo...impoolite...so...[beeb]...cold...

[kiwi_2005]

Keep it up.

[Hottentot]

Uhh...erg...whuh?



If I'm dreaming, don't wake me up now!



Woot!! Make way! Lalli coming through!!



Knock knock...



Hey! That's the impolite [beeb] I met earlier in the bar! Where's the cutie?!



Oh yeah, that's how it always goes. First they insult your manhood and then play all innocent! Not working, sister, I wasn't born yesterday!



Er, wait, you never said you had company?



Oh, so we go three ways then. Well, in that case! Just leave the creepy cat out of the picture, I'm not one of those anime losers.



Um, in my country we usually do this with far less clothing than these chicks have on...



...But on the other hand, big knives make me feel like home.



This too. It usually ends like this. So if everything goes the same way in here as back home, then the next step is...



PIGS!!!



Run away!!



Keep running!!



Oh [beeb], they are still after me! Make way, pencil neck!!



A tenty village! Great!



I'll hide in one of these. They can't be any smarter than the pigs back home, so me disguising as a tent pole should fool them.

Whew. Sheesh. I haven't ran like that since high school. Boy, did all that sprinting make me tired, nervous, and most of all...



...Thirsty...

[Hottentot]

So then: apparently bunch of my pictures have randomly disappeared from Imgur and therefore also from this thread.

Updates to continue once I sort this mess out.

Random cursing and swearing to occur much sooner and on more regular basis.

[Dowly]

Yeah, noticed that too.

You could go with Photobucket?

[Hottentot]

I contacted Imgur to see if they would have an explanation for this. From the lost pictures I could see no violation of their terms of service or anything like that, so I'm at the moment willing to believe it's a bug or something. Let's see how it goes.

[Hottentot]

It was either the magic fairy, a random bug or Imgur staff being nice, but all my pictures are now back. Either way, it's time for updates again and lots of hoping that nothing fishy will occur.

A small request: in case you happen bump into something missing somewhere in the earlier parts of the story in the future, please notify me. I don't browse through them, because frankly, after editing the texts many times before posting them, I'm really not capable of laughing at my own jokes anymore.

Anyway: beer and chips for everyone! We are back!


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -




(I snuggle with you and if you let me, I'll stay over night...)



Ja kun aamu on...
(And when it's morning...)



En tiedä missä herään...
(I don't know where I'm waking up...)

Wow...



You know, I've woken up in some interesting places, including under a palm tree, but this beats it all. When the preachers said drinking would condemn me to Hell one day, I didn't think they meant it literally.

Impaled heads, big red spikes, black rocks, lava...



And a huge glowing tower. I think I'll head there and ask the devil what kind of beverages they serve in here.



So on my way I get familiar with the local fauna...



...Fascinating plants...



...And chat with the locals too.



After doing some good old sight seeing...



...It's time for a creative pause.



Until finally I'm at the door of the big man himself. Hello? Anybody home?



He seems to be out, but I found this huge, glowy stone in the main hall. I wonder if I could touch it just a little?



Oops...



For the record, I totally didn't mean to break it and my immortal soul can't be held accountable for things I do while drunk.



This dude I don't remember seeing is overjoyed to see me and goes on about some heroic fight and reclaiming and stuff. And promises a reward too if I help him, so...



For booze!



The heroic assault begins. Give back Karelia!



Err, come to think of it, maybe I need a little something to encourage me on the way...



Riiight behind youuu guys...

[Hottentot]

Wooooo! Look at me!!



[Beeb!]



I'm king! King Lalli the Great! All hail me...



Blrrp, where am I again? This place stinks like...

Someone's soles?



Oh...



Umm...



I think this is the part where I whistle innocently and walk away. Quickly.



On my way to someplace far far away else I meet this angsty guy who wants to share his life story with me.



I'm all ears until it turns out he is one of those! I should have known from the relatively cute chick behind him! I'm not falling for that trap for the sec...thir...manyeth time!



Help! It's following me! And there aren't even any frozen lakes around here!

[Hottentot]

I stole this horse too, but it's still after me! Somebody do something!



Run, stupid horse, run! It can't follow us until the end of the world. Or if it can, we'll find out soon!



Great! A fortress with a big door! I'll seek asylum there. Quickly, before it finds me!



Help! I'm a victim of fundy assault! Help! Open the...



Great, tha...hey! I'm here!



No idea why that guy is so interested in the preacher, but at least it gives me a minute to find a hiding place. Run, Lalli, run!



Whuh? Are all these guys standing in attention here for me?



Why is no one paying attention to me in this place?



Whuh? Hey! Over here, idiots! I'm the victim here! Stop hailing the fundy like he's your next Messiah or something!



Typical liberal green-leftist flower hat society pampering the criminal. Disgusting! I'm out of here!



Stupid horse...



Well, not all is lost. That place looks like it's still based on manly medieval values like gallows, servile women and good booze.

[Hottentot]

Sure enough, as soon as I open the gates, I'm greeted as a hero. My masculine fame must have impressed the Countess even before I've met her. Off to the castle!



Ready! Then you can bake me a pie, woman!



Yesyesyes, let's get to the point...



Look, I'm not interested in you, I just want sex!



So is that a "no" then?



Typical woman. They don't appreciate my traditional honesty.



It's the fault of the society...



And the fault of those academic nancy boys who made the society like that!



I'll beat you up, shtoopid wimp! I bet you didn't even sheerve in the aarmy!



Shtop in oone plaace shoo I caan hit youuu...I'll show youu...what they taught meee...in the aarmyy!



Blp, I'm shleepy...



Ugh...a bed made out of hays...candle...wet stones...smells like old piss...

Yeah, I know a drunk tank when I see one. That stupid coward must have called the pigs. But if this is a drunk tank, then who is the other...



What? Oh no! Nononononono!



I'm not dropping the soap this time, don't even try!



But after a while of me being fortified in the corner, we start chatting. Turns out this guy and I have a lot in common...



And he promises me gold for making things better between him and his spouse. Well, since I already made my bed and am getting out soon...



...then why not go back to use it too?



Turns out no one was interested in a cheating hag vanishing, but my cell mate was overjoyed. What wouldn't I do to help a fellow opressed male in this anti-patriotic hippie society that the Empire Union brought us?



Or to get lots of money, for that matter. I'm sure he'd like some of this too, but since he is in prison, there is no way he'd be able to come after me before I have already drunk it all.



Better not waste any time, though...