The same thing we do every night. An Evil Genius AAR

[Oberon]

"You can watch it all on Subsim, Mr Bond, it will be the last thing you ever see..."

[elephantium]

Keep on posting -- I'm enjoying this

[Hottentot]

Slowly but steadily ze minions manage to do somezing useful. Once zey have built barracks, I order zem to carry my treasure pile inside, safe from ze dirty investigators.





Of course ZAT again would go much smoozer if ze slacking lazy potato sacks hadn't also managed to construct beds for zemselves while I wasn't watching!!





But I have to admit zat for only a clip of Luger rounds I got zem to build a somewhat decent looking evil base.





We even had a grand opening and received our first guests already!





Ze laboratory looks especially good wiz its new toys. A supercomputer zat playes chess almost as well as I do...





An environmental chamber to toss zings around a little...





My own little garden full of gigantic carnivorous plants...





And finally zese zree vats full of...somezing, I don't know what yet.





But I have my ways to find out.





Ze science front has already made a nice new invention out of my old propaganda leaflets' printing press. See, now it's empty...





But when I trap zis over-confident zief in it...





It disposes him all by itself. Truly, zis invention will revolutionize ze industry. Just imagine how many bullets we save in ze long run!





Ze mess is still horrible, zough. I decide to save space in freezer and have ze minions zrow ze bodies into zose vats.





Umm, it might be just me, but I zink somezing is CLIMBING OUT OF ZOSE VATS??!! WAS?!





WHAT IN ZE NAME OF COUSIN HANS IS ZAT...ZING??!!





NOW IT'S WALKING IN MY CORRIDORS!!! DO SOMEZING!!! SHOOT IT!!!





Wait? It killed zat stupid saboteur agent zat was also wandering around my base. Wiz one hit. Wizout even noticing it. I take ze previous order back.





Instead I decide we should make more of zem. And when we run out of freezer material, we can finally start making zose construction minions useful!





Just when I brilliantly solve one problem, anozer rears its ugly head. It seems my secret admirer is back again. How is zat even possible?! We left her on Isle Evil Mark I.

Oh, right. Here it is on my "Evil Genius Handbook" on page 1: "When you leave heroes unattended for a second, zey will inevitably escape."

[Hottentot]

Hmf, I'm really starting to get fed up wiz zis. As much as I want to support Jubei's young romance wiz her in a fazerly way, I happen to have a world to conquer and I can't be interrupted all ze time.





Since nozing else seems to work, I decide to give her an appointment wiz my base's best psychiatrist and talk about her frightening obsession wiz me.





Mein Gott, does zis woman ever stop blabbering?!! We need a tranquilizer here!!





Hmm, in retrospect it might have been one of zose experimental injection needles too, since it did anyzing except calm her down. Before I had time to even apologize in gentlemantly manner, zat bikini hippo crashed zrough zree of my doors and finally a bedrock wall too. She was last seen on ze ocean, floating towards ze sunset.





Ugh! Just when I got rid of one, zere is already anozer skinny intruder wiz weird fashion sense wandering around my private property. I have a feeling he is no normal investigator. After all, he has his own name placate and zeme music.





After ze obligatory martial arts showdown he learns why it's not a smart idea to bring fists to a Katana fight.





Since I have no idea what to do wiz him, I make him play chess wiz Fritz ze Supercomputer.





And after an embarrassing Fool's Mate, he doesn't object when a valet minions escorts him back to his little rice boat. But I have a feeling he will be back.





To make his next visit more unlikely, I conceal ze entrance to my base so zat it looks like a normal native islander hut. Ze downside is zat now my minions can't seem to find back home eizer, but I can't have it all.





I decide to concentrate on improving my personal army again. I have noticed zat far too many people have wanted me dead lately. Zerefore I decide to start training my own diplomat corps to improve my public image in ze higher places.





And since I know ze foolish fools of justice won't listen to me anyway, I decide to get some snipers to shoot zem. Actually I might shoot zem anyway.





Also, I have now lost five scientists to zose funny vat zings, and while I have seen zose idiots climbing in trees, zey still refuse to grow on zem. Zerefore I need some people wiz clozing zat doesn't dissolve at least as quickly as usual.





But despite of all zis, do not zink I have gone soft. To remind ze world about me, myself and I, I decide to start series of daring raids around ze world. First of all I strike against my arch enemies: ze ninjas.





Zen I strike against ze most sensitive part of ze modern world: ze oil production. As ze saying goes: "Oil pipes are ze balls of ze world. When you squeeze zem, ze world screams."





Anozer strike against ze petroleum monopoly for a good measure. Ze best news is zat I managed to frame Green Peace for all of zis, so ze world is again a little better place.





My evilness has again attracted a new henchman for my cause. Meet Kane. He still hasn't stopped calling himself Lord Kane for some reason, but zat is going to change. I have heard some good zings about him. And when I say "good news" you know what I mean.





Kane is already making himself useful by relieving Moko from ze mess cleaning duty at ze front door.





Unfortunately my great exploits also invited some armed Americans to my island. Stupid world police, when do zey learn? Most of zem got a place in ze freezer, but zis last one gets to test my new toy called "brain washer". I have no idea what it does to zem, but ze kind patriot soldier has agreed to find out togezer wiz me. Zat's ze spirit!





To rub it in zeir face, I commit some more evil acts. First I help some neverheard warlord out of a serious mess. Just because I can.





And second, while my troops are still in Souz Africa, I order zem to bring me some samples of ze new local diamond mine. Zey should be very valuable soon, considering zat zey will soon be ze only ones left from zat mine. Ze diamonds, not ze minions.

[Hottentot]

Uh oh. Just as I got rid of ze Merrycans, ze owners of zat diamond mine decide to pay me a visit.





Since zey shot up most of my Cousin Hans population, zey agreed to help me create new ones as soon as I had negotiated zem.





And see, zey are already making up for zeir mistakes by chasing off ozer agents from my island. zat's what I like in zese people: zey are so eager to please.





When I have quiet moments, I concentrate on my new hobby, ze gardening. Here on ze front door are my two new pets, Heidi and Eva.





Zey eat illiterate agents and minions mostly.





Unfortunately I can't give zem as much time and love as I would like to. Ze plan calls me again and it's time to stop fooling around. To advance my plan, I have decided I need a DoomsDay Device(tm). I have heard zat ze Russians have a machine which would make ze task much more easy for my intellectually challenged minions, so zat seems like a logical next step, despite of me not knowing exactly what it is.

Stealing technology. Is zere a problem it can't solve?





Apparently zere is. Once ze minions, or what's left of zem anyway, bring ze machine back to ze laboratory, it dawns to us zat no one else knows what it is eizer.





So I need to send zem back to Siberia to bring me a scientist who knows what it is.

Sacrificing minions on seemingly useless missions. Is zere a problem it can't solve?





Ze scientist was surprisingly willing to come working for me. Fortunately, while zere seems to be shortage of everyzing in Russia, lack of scientists willing to defect is not one of zem.





Nor does zere seem to be shortage of weapons and soldiers willing to die for zeir country, as zere is already a platoon of zem sneaking around my island, obviously looking for ze scientist.





To avoid any unnecessary inconveniencies, I order Moko to lead the welcoming committee.





Ze defected scientist is already researching ze machine and is soon ready to tell me what it is.





Meanwhile an epic fight ensues...





And ends as soon as someone tells Ivan zere are girly men outside.





Once ze scientist has done his work and left his report on my table, he leaves my base.





My guards, however, offer an alternative zeory regarding ze lenght of his stay.





I may not have mentioned it in ze job interview, but I absolutely hate traitors...





But on ze ozer hand I admit even zey have some uses.





After reading ze report, ze conclusion seems simple. It's a machine and it does somezing. Since zat's how ze research works around here anyway, I have my science minions do ze rest.





While zey are busy, I decide to put zat empty crater to good use by building a rocket silo in zere. I have learned from ze past zat DoomsDay Devices(tm) are always shot into ze orbit wiz a huge rocket.

[Oberon]

Bases with rockets in secret craters always work well.

[Hottentot]

While minions are busy researching and building, I decide to send ze slackers to Souz America. I have heard zere is an interesting statue in zere zat would fit my art collection nicely. Once I'm crowned as king of ze world, I can use it as my zrone.





Aha! Getting a proper zrone did ze trick! It seems ze world has finally recognized me and every faction has sent zeir ambassador to my island!

I could talk wiz zem. I could negotiate ze terms wiz zem. We could find an agreement.





But shooting zem wiz a huge laser is much more fun.





Zen fatso number 2...





My negotiation tactis didn't exactly please ze world, and so zey have again sent zeir best cannon fodder to spoil my fun.





Well, good zing I anticipated zis and expanded ze freezer.





Besides, most of zem are too dumb to find us anyway.





And even if zey did find us, zey would get to test my new doormat.





Namely my favorite kind of doormat: zat which comes wiz a pool full of piranhas.





Gah, my eyes! When zey ran out of cannon fodder, ze world powers decided to use dirty tricks! Zey have sent ze very best zey've got! Ze most horrible secret weapon zey have been storing in zeir darkest dungeon, right until zis point!

I mean, look at zat coat! Zose glasses! Zat hair style!! Even I couldn't come up wiz anyzing zat evil!!





Kane gets sent to an express emergency mission to teach ze intruder somezing about proper clozing.





Once she is in co-operative state, ze healing can begin. First we try to wash zat horrible color off her coat.





Next we wipe out ze memory of her alien fashion sense away from her brains.





And finally she gets to watch a special hypnotic image, compelling her to go instantly buy new and better clozing for herself.





After ze lesson, ze cherry on ze top is having ze fattest nerd of my base to zrow her out, just to remind her zat proper men like me do not date swamp monsters.





Ugh, zat was horrible. I must find my happiness again by admiring ze new catwalks ze minions constructed over ze rocket silo. I ordered zem to use zick glass, so zat I could walk around and look down on my minions.





OK, I'm officially getting annoyed now! Just when I got rid of ze first nuisance, zis old one comes back like a cockroach zat won't go away and is already making trouble on my island! Do somezing, you stupid minions! Detain him!!





How surprising. Ze minions captured him and forgot to lock ze door on his cell. Look at zat! He has already escaped and is now spouting his Asian nonsense filosofies to my minions!





Jubei and Ivan introduce him to my "Big Fist Eyes Go Dark" school of zought. But zis can't continue like zis. If ze forces of justice are going to use dirty tricks, zen I too must take off my gloves and use drastic measures.





To make my point, I invite ze Ninja Boy's daddy for a constructive discussion about his kid's urge to hamper my world conquest plans all ze time.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

What does Daddy Ninja have to say? How is the problem solved once and for all? Is this the end of the good and just Ninja Boy?

Tune in tomorrow for epic fight between good and evil!

[Hottentot]

When I say "constructive discussion", I of course mean: "you talk or you cry and talk". Hey, it's not my fault he didn't raise ze brat properly! Ze parents should have more responsibility.





Bunch of Daddy Ninja's less talented children immediately assault my kingdom...





And zeir glorious ninja mission ends in realizing zat no matter how stealzy you are, it's difficult to evade hundreds of hungry piranhas wiz keen sense of smell.





Ze discussion wiz ze Daddy Ninja revealed somezing interesting. It appears zat I have been mistaken when I zought ze Ninja Boy can't do anyzing except bang stuff wiz his fists.

He is also a sensitive and poetic young man and loves nozing more zan a good debate on life's basic principles. Zerefore I have one of my own martial artists to challenge him to a fair filosofical discourse, following all of his precious Asian traditions.

OK, OK, less bowing, more blood!





Ze Ninja Boy open ze game wiz "Look here you scoundrel" argument. Bah, fairly predictable. I expected he could have done better.





Our own Pyjama Man counters wiz "Bwahahaa, are you serious" dodge, which seems to really hurt ze Ninja Boy's fragile ego. By ze look on his face, it seems he is preparing ze "I was in ze army" argument next.





But ze Pyjama Man uses ze Ninja Boy's weak moment to attack wiz a witty "Pointy Finger" argument. Zis makes me laugh so much zat I almost promise I won't shoot him after zis.





Ze Ninja Boy really loses his temper and charges forward wiz "You are stupid" jab.





While he continues wiz "I hate you hating me and my way of life" rant, ze Pyjama Man effortlessly dodges wiz anozer funny "Look at me, I'm a rabbit" counter-argument.





Ze Ninja Boy changes tactics and starts ze "I can dance Flamenco better zan you" routine. While amusing, I have seen it so many times zat I already know how zis is going to end.





Yes, as I expected, ze Pyjama Man plays ze "But I'm funkier" card.





Ninja Boy's "I made more goals in school's soccer team zan you did" seems very desperate by now and is zerefore easily countered by Pyjama Man's "Yeah, because I spent zat time banging girls of ze gymnastic team."





Ooo, zis is interesting. Pyjama Man is going for ze "OK, let's be friends" deception...





Followed by "In your face, moron" zat usually comes out of nowhere right after ze agreement has been reached.





BAM! Ze Ninja Boy is down! 1...2...3...4...

Oh shoot, he is getting back on his feet. But ze look on Pyjama Man's face tells me he is planning somezing. Surely he isn't going to...





JA! He used ze irrefutable "Boy love, are you homofobic" argument!!





BOOM! Ze Ninja Boy is licking ze floor again! 1...2...3...4...5...6...





Having realized zat his life has been wasted on useless anger and Flamenco lessons while he could have had a beautiful Japanese wife and a big house, ze Ninja Boy bursts out crying and runs away like a wimp. I have a feeling he won't be back anytime soon.





Ja, a good discussion is always a joy to follow, but now I need to get back to taking over ze world.





Hmm. I'm alone in zis corridor, yet I zink I'm hearing footsteps coming from somewhere nearby?

[Hottentot]

Ugh, Imageshack has gone bonkers on me. I hope this update works as expected. Please report any problems to my inner sanctum's head complaint executive, Herr Luger, and I'll have the minions fix it in no time.


- - - - - - - - - - -




Zere it is again! Is someone following me?!




No, I can't see anyone.




Probably nozing. Now which channel plays Pokemon again?




Bah! Just as I was deeply concentrated on watching two cute cartoon characters hacking each ozer to pieces, I got a call from SETA. Zey claimed to be worried because my evil organization so far has been "in favor of middle aged white heterosexual males" and zreatened to send zeir legion of lecturers on my island in order to preach about artificial equality.

To prevent zem from doing any harm, I quickly order ze minions to find me a quota gay and bring him here.




Having just committed out of necessity an act zat makes me look somewhat good, I also order zem to continue along ze same line and befriend wiz a reverend wiz lots of money.




Behind ze scenes I strike back. Ze minions are ordered to steal a code breaking machine from Europe so zat I can finally spy on SETA's secret discussion and expose zem to ze world. Zey shall soon learn zat no one zreatens me twice!




However, turns out ze machine does no good. I set it to decode SETA's communication and after five minutes it overheated. Ze error message said: "Logic Circuit failure. Too much nonsensical feminism being called equality in one sentence."

Since it's now just a glorified pocket calculator, I let my minions have it in ze laboratory.




My plan to get rid of zat organization which rivals even my own in evilness may have failed, but my grand plan is going better zan ever. I have decided what kind of DoomsDay Device(tm) I want to build and now it's time to start by constructing a rocket for it. Once ze DoomsDay Device(tm) is in ze orbit, I can strike anywhere I want and ze whole world is forced to fear me!

Ze first fase of ze plan is to have ze minions steal proper materials for ze rocket.




Of course ze fools of justice won't just give zem to me, so I'm putting ze base on alert while ze looting is being conducted.




It's also time to replenish my Cousin Hans population. Zey seem to have very short lifespan for some reason.




And finally it's time to finally get a proper doctor to my base. I chose zis one because he comes wiz his own meat cleavers and on ze top of zat seems like a very positive person. After ze fone conversation, he had just one question: "When can I start? Heeheeheheheheeheheheheeeeeeeee..."




Ze first batch of titanium is already arriving to ze island and minions are carrying it to a safe place.




Meanwhile ze good doctor is checking zat zese armed immigrants are arriving to my island in good healz and not bringing any diseases zat wouldn't benefit my plans of world domination somehow.




Bwahahahaa! Ze first two parts are already constructed! No one can stop me!! Not even traitorous image services trying to silence my glory!!




And here are parts zree and four. Ze logo on ze rocket is a nice touch, I admit.




And finally ze tip of ze rocket has been constructed! I told you it was a good idea to buy this island with a secret rocket crater! We...I mean, I am victorious!!




Once ze rocket is constructed, I move on to somezing more amusing. It has occurred to me zat I have earlier trained a group of diplomats, but zey do nozing except try to bribe each ozer all ze time. And just imagine where ze bribery money is coming from!

Zerefore I decide to make zem work for zeir wage (which I'm going to pay to ze survivors of zis operation retrospectively after I become ze king of ze world. If I remember.) I send zem to infiltrate ze councils of ze world. Since ze forces of justice try to infiltrate my base all ze time, it is only fair zat I return ze favor now. Ze first victim is located in some Souz American backwater country.




Ze second one is my favorite. By infiltrating ze Eastern Block's council, I boz cause problems to ze communists as well as get rid of ze worst agitator in my base.




Time to move furzer to East. I zink ze Internet tinfoil hats were right after all: zere is a conspiracy brewing in Singapore.




I would have preferred to infiltrate France in case of Europe, but zere weren't any open vacancies zere for some reason. zerefore India will have to do.

[Oberon]

Time to move furzer to East. I zink ze Internet tinfoil hats were right after all: zere is a conspiracy brewing in Singapore.

[Hottentot]

Hello. I'm Humphrey the Hamster. I'm the real brains behind everything that dolt Hottentot ever does and says. Unfortunately I can't keep my black killer eyes on him all the time and of course he managed to again mess everything up while I was busy making more Humphreys in the backroom.

It appears the moron has managed to somehow complete this game without me (which is why the ending will suck and we won't get into the top 100 scores in the Hall of Fame again), and then deleted the game from his bloody hard drive!

While I am a super genius hamster, there was no way I could somehow salvage the save games, install the game again and go take the overview photos for you. Don't worry, I have already reminded Hottentot of what happens when he does something without my permission. I assure you this won't happen again.

Fortunately for you people, I'm also an artistic genius and posses great memory. Therefore I have personally drawn you two pictures of the layouts used in the bases. I'm sure these will give you an adequate idea of my brilliant mind's ability to construct perfect dungeons, and also of that Hottentot prick's ability to hold the blueprints backwards and make them totally not like I had intended.

Once more, I apologize for the inconvenience. I will now go whip that lazy muppet so he can post another update soon.

[Hottentot]

And ze final diplomat on ze East Coast of ze United States proves what I have been saying all ze time: money can buy friends.




After getting my middle aged white heterosexual men to all zese high positions, I start planning my future as ze ruler of ze world. I zink I need somezing fancy. A crown maybe. A crown and a big stick full of jewels. Fortunately I don't need to waste my money on zose, when I can just as well pay wiz ze lives of my underlings.




Just for fun, I also tell zem to steal a prototype Jetpack from America while zey are on zeir way back home. I have always wanted to play wiz one of zese. Of course some minions may need to attend test flights first to make sure it's completely safe, but zat's life. Besides, I feel a little bad for not having fed ze ocean's sharks lately.




Well look at zat! Just as soon as ze underlings heard about my plans, one of zem stole zat space suit we stole ages ago from America, zinking it would protect him. And now he is hiding in ze bushes fearing zat someone will take it away from him. Well, ze coward is right!




No one steal from me! But despite my best efforts, he refuses to take it off. I don't want to shoot him eizer, because zat would stain ze unique suit wiz blood. Zerefore we need some special measures to make him see ze error in his ways.




Since he is wearing a protective suit, we can just as well see if it will protect him from ze environmental chamber's pressure. It's all for science. And because I always wanted to use zis machine for somezing of course.




He also meets Berza and ze ozer young members of my garden.




Finally we test if ze suit protects him from ze vats.




After all zis, ze minion agreed to return ze suit to where it belongs. Zen he was escorted to attend ze "How high can ze Jetpack fly when we remove all ze steering equipment" test.




Hmf, it was fun as long as ze minion lasted, but it also reminded me of how non-flying ze rocket has been lately. When asked, ze stupid scientist minions give me poor excuse of ze machine needing an engine to fly anywhere. Just before I shot one of zem, he managed to scream zat zey don't know how to build one.

Bah! Why didn't zey tell me earlier?! Don't just stand zere, go and steal plans zen!!




Zere: "Ze Little Scientist's Rocket Engine Building Set, Complete Wiz Cartoon Plans". Zat should be simple enough for ze smartest of my underlings.




Bwahahahaa! Ze engine is ready to launch ze DoomsDay Device(tm) into ze orbit!




I shall test it personally. And now, World...




Gah!! Why am I always interrupted at moments like zis??! Just as I'm pressing Ze Big Red Button(tm), I'm informed zat zis waiter has arrived to my island to ask if I want my martini shaken or stirred.




For his rude behavior I make him play target to my sharpshooters for a while. And now, World...




GAH!!!!! ISN'T ANYZING SACRED ANYMORE??!! WHAT NOW??!!




I have no idea who zis muscle clown is, but he is seriously annoying me already. I'm too busy to deal wiz him myself, so I just order my minions to teach him what ze term "Superior Firepower" means in practise.




Once he is captured, zough, I become interested to see if he has any brains under all zat meat. And just as I expected, ze answer is no. I have known zis law of ze nature ever since I wasn't accepted to ze school's basketball team at ze age of 7.




Normally I would gloat, but now zere are more important zings to do, so I just order ze minions to dumb him somewhere on ze island and lock ze door. Zey reported he kept mumbling: "I'm NOT expendable! And I'm coming...to...get...you..."




AND NOW, WORLD!

[Hottentot]

BWAHAHAHAA!! IT'S ALIVE!! ALIVE!!!




Ze same can't be said about my minions who are trying to keep it running, zough.




What? What is zis? It stopped?! I didn't give it a permission to stop burning my minions alive!! Conspiracy!! Sabotage!!




Zis is so serious crime against evilness zat I can't make my point wiz a simple Luger. I need heavier equipment.




Zere. I'm sure ze leader of ze science team will understand my point of view much better now. Whoever he is going to be, ze minions haven't started drawing straws yet.




Fortunately zere is some more competent help available. I notice zat zere is a serious lack of a comical sidekick wiz British accent in here, so I decide to hire one.




Ridiculous costume. Check. Useless, yet funny looking cartoon gun. Check. Peg-leg. Check. Calls everyone "Matey". Check...




Sheesh, he has barely settled in and ze "World Against British Humor" is already knocking on my door. Look at ze amount of zose agents! You'd zink Amnesty International was on my case or somezing!




I wonder if zey'll find zis practical joke of mine more to zeir liking?




While dealing wiz normal agents is merely a nuisance, I'm more concerned about how ze Waiter and ze Musclehead somehow managed to interrupt my evil ranting. I don't understand how zey do it! It's like everytime I'm in ze middle of a good monologue, I'm interrupted at a dramatic point and ze camera cuts away to zem fumbling around like muppets!

To make sure it doesn't happen again, I draft a plan to get rid of zem permanently. But first I need to lure zem back to my island, so I start a series of daring raids. Cuba hasn't tasted my wraz for a while now.




I'm sure punching a panda is somezing no goody two-shoe can fail to notice.




No? Zen how about secretly giving ze Holy Cow of Capitalism, ze Coca-Cola, for free to zeir worst enemies, ze communists?!




At first it didn't seem to work. All I got was more zirsty reds invading my island in search of black nectar.




But soon after zem arrived Mr. Musclehead. I'm not sure if he is hunting me, ze Cola-zieves or boz. Doesn't matter.




He doesn't know zat I know his muscles are not natural. In fact, researching his sweaty towel revealed zat ze man is basically a walking drug store.




Ze science team also found out zat zose drugs may have interesting side effects when introduced to some of our drugs. Let's see what happens...




Hmm, interesting.




Ze science team claims success, but I honestly fail to see ze difference.




Aha, zere it is! Ze vats made him smarter, and he is now working for me. Zey also infused him wiz deep hatred towards ninjas apparently.




Speaking of working for me, I decide to get ze Gender Equality nutsys to stop zeir ranting for good by hiring a woman in my service. Her resume led me to understand I could delegate watching ze minions to her.

[Hottentot]

And speaking of women, zere is still Ms. Horrible Fashion Sense. She hasn't been around lately, which makes me all ze more sure zat she is just behind ze corner. I decide to lure her to my island too by continuing my evil campaign. Ze first task is to feed ze stuff left behind by Mr. Musclehead to some bulls in Europe.




It didn't work, but I quickly deduce ze reason to be zat by causing trouble in Europe, I only made her happier, since she is from some backwater Marxist hellhole. Zerefore I move my minions to her home area and start by helping one of her communist idols to finally find final sleep.




OK, zat didn't work eizer. Time to take ze gloves off! I didn't want to do zis because even I have some boundaries zat separate my diabolical evilness from world destroying madness. But she didn't leave me any choices.




It took two minutes for her to rush here after ze sacrilege. Just as I had hoped.




What she doesn't know is zat I have already much earlier sent minions to visit her parents and ask zem what is her weak spot. No no no, zere was no violence. A bottle of vodka and a pair of jeans was all zey wanted to spill ze beans.




Ze parents were actually a little too co-operative. It was difficult to stop zem once zey started ranting how zeir little daughter had never loved zem. In fact, ze only one she has ever loved was her cheap communist copy of a Teddy Bear. A Teddy Bear which I zen took hostage in exchange for a carton of cigarettes. A Teddy Bear, wiz which she now has a meeting.




Wizout furzer ado, I order one of my minions to beat ze Teddy up while she watches.




She is tougher zan I expected. Fortunately ze good doctor borrowed us a meat cleaver for zis occasion.




Slice and dice, ze Teddy is down. And ze fact zat I have just witnessed killing a toy wiz a meat cleaver must also be ze lowest point of my career too.




Lowest or not, it worked. Ms. Horrible Fashion Sense bursts into tears and runs away so quickly zat I don't even get ze pleasure of zrowing her out personally. Good. Zat's again one less to worry about.




To celebrate ze victory, I order ze dead Teddy moved into my inner sanctum as a trofy.




Zen zere is still ze Waiter. I have no idea what to do wiz him. He has been my guest for a while now and no form of torture seems to break him. I even tried Lady Gaga and Avril Lavigne, but all for vain. Instead he has broken already a dozen of valet minions wiz his speech style: "I'm hungry. Very hungry. I want food. Good food."




Bah, ze valets are expendable and ze world won't wait! Ze new leader of ze science team has assured me zat zis time ze engine is going to work properly, so I decide to conduct anozer test. Zis time WIZOUT interrupting camera work!

AND NOW, WORLD!




It works! It works even better zan ze last time, burning my minions alive quicker zan anyzing I have come up wiz earlier!!




And ze test was succesful! It burned down so many minions at so high rate zat I'm sure it can take my rocket into ze orbit!




To truly crown my victory, I order ze minions to get me a new zrone. Ze stone statue has proved to be very uncomfortable.




While zey are doing zat, ze rest of ze minions are ordered to build transmitter aerials. It's time to issue my ultimatum to ze world.




Finally! Everyzing is ready! All zose lonely moments in ze inner sanctum were not in vain! All ze rehearsing and rewriting of my evil ultimatum speech was for zis very moment! I have been waiting for zis for so long now! Sitting down in ze TV-studio in my inner sanctum, I start pointing at ze camera and ranting.

[Hottentot]

Behold! The Grande Finale is here!


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -



ZEY LAUGHED AT ME!! ZE WHOLE WORLD LAUGHED AT ME!!!! ZEY CALLED ME DELUSIONAL AND STUBBY!!!!!! AND RIDICULED MY MONOCLE!!!!!!

DONNERWETTER!! ZEY MESSED WIZ WRONG DICTATOR ZIS TIME!! ASSEMBLE ZE ROCKET!!!! IN ZEN MINUTES ZEY WILL REGRET ZEIR MISTAKE!!!!




It seems ze world has really had it wiz me now. Right after zey have stopped rolling on ze floor laughing, zey all send zeir soldiers to stop me from fulfilling my dream.




However, zey can't decide whose fault zis is and zerefore mostly fight wiz each ozer instead of my minions.




Let zem! Zey can't stop me! In nine minutes everyone shall bow down to my stubbyness!!




Ze Waiter is getting confused in his cell when no one is bringing him martinis anymore. I zink I can see sweat on his forehead.




Bwahahahaa! Eight minutes, and in goes anozer rocket part.




Oh. Ze surviving soldiers have found my front door and are trying to batter it down. Ze fools!




I order Jubei to make some sushi for my coronation party.




I also visit ze Waiter personally to point and laugh at him in ze best evil villain style I know. What do you zink happens now? Do you zink he can break out of his cell? Do you zink he somehow miraculously escapes and foils my plan at ze last moment?




No, I didn't zink so eizer. One minute.




Ten...nine...eight...seven...six...five...four...z ree...two...one...




All systems are ready to go! Ze only zing left is to press Ze Big Red Button(tm).

I zink now is a good time to have an evil mastermind monologue. I can stand here in front of Ze Big Red Button(tm) and rant only to be interrupted by an unlikely hero, a disgruntled minion whose brozer I killed years ago. As he shoots me in ze back, I can fall on Ze Big Red Button(tm) and zen he can somehow abort ze launch wiz his nerdy red haired girl friend, wiz whom he shares ze bed but still lives in completely platonic relationship.

Yes. I zink now is ze time for zat.




BUT SCREW ZE CONVENTIONS!!




As ze silo door opens, zere is still one part of ze rocket which hasn't been attached to its tip. A very crucial part.




Namely ze Waiter.




As the minions leave, I gaze the Waiter gripping to the rocket once more and feel a little sad. It appears that in the end, despite of having somewhat good fashion sense compared to his colleagues, he was still just a stupid investigator.

Whose luck has run out. LAUNCH!!




Ha! I told you I would be shooting someone into ze space in zis operation! Too bad ze minions seems to have misplaced ze space suit again.