25 Ways to Be a Good Republican

[Enigma]

While we're engaging in hackery...

Touche! (From your friendly local registered Independent.)

25 Ways to Be a Good Republican


1. You have to believe that trade with Cuba is wrong, because it’s a communist country. But trading with China and Vietnam is justifiable.


2. You have to believe that the public has a right to know about Clinton and Monica, but Bush needed to censor those 28 pages from the Congressional 9/11 report because there are just some things Americans don’t need to know.


3. You believe that government should restrict itself to just the powers named in the Constitution – which includes banning gay marriages and censoring the internet


4. You have to believe that Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney was doing business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a we-can’t-find-Bin Laden diversion


5. You have to believe that waging war with no exist strategy was wrong in Vietnam, but right in Iraq


6. You believe that tobacco’s link to cancer and global warming are “junk science”, but Creationism should be taught in schools

7. You have to believe that universal health care is wrong, and that HMO’s and insurance companies only have your best interests at heart


8. You have to believe that the best way to fight terrorism is to alienate our allies and then demand their cooperation and money


9. You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools, because we all know if teenagers don’t have condoms they won’t have sex


10. You have to believe that the best way to encourage military morale is to praise the troops overseas while cutting their VA benefits


11. You have to believe that you love Jesus and Jesus loves you – and Jesus shares your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, and liberals


12. You have to be against a woman’s right to choose, but support the murder of millions by air strike


13. “Standing Tall for America” means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India so you can get products from WalMart


14. You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don’t pray to Allah or Buddha


15. You have to believe that government should stay out of people’s lives, but needs to punish anyone caught having private sex with the same gender


16. You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own


17. You have to believe the ACLU is bad, because it supports the Constitution, but you support the NRA wholeheartedly


18. You have to believe that we actually went to war in Iraq to find WMD’s because they were a clear and present threat to the United States


19. You have to believe Bill Clinton getting a blowjob in the Oval Office is appalling, but Newt Gingrich serving his wife with divorce papers on her deathbed is A-OK.


20. You have to believe that Fox News is fair and balanced


21. You’re not ashamed to tell everyone you believe in God, but feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, and doing unto others as we would have others do unto us sounds like socialism


22. You have to believe that Clinton inhaling once is the sign of moral defect, while Bush’s drinking and driving was excusable because he was young


23. You have to believe that spending money on the war in Iraq is more important then fighting the drug dealers and gang members whom are harming American’s


24. You have to believe that it is much more important to know about all the dirt in a candidates past, then it is to listen to his beliefs and political ideas – unless of course he is a Republican


25. You have to believe that this message was authored by a left-wing pinko socialist bleeding heart liberal.