The joke thread - Page 199

BossMark · 12-27-12, 11:14 AM

BBC employing paedophiles is pushing it, but having a women on match of the day is just wrong..

Jimbuna · 12-27-12, 11:28 AM

Me and the wife adopted a snow leapord last Christmas.

The bloody thing never came so we're putting in for a kid this year.

BossMark · 12-27-12, 11:55 AM

Riots erupted today, as shoppers came to blows over bargains, in the Glasgow branch of Pound land.

Jimbuna · 12-27-12, 12:01 PM

My wife said she wanted something that would put a huge smile on her face this Christmas.

So I bought her a face paint kit.

BossMark · 12-27-12, 12:36 PM

I can't believe how easy my exam questions were! For example.

Q1/ Two surveys are done. Michael asks 10 members of the public and Michelle asks 1000.

Which survey is the most reliable and why?

My answer .... Michael's, because it was done by a man.

Jimbuna · 12-27-12, 12:39 PM

I didn't get awarded worst teeth 2012.

I got crowned.

BossMark · 12-27-12, 12:56 PM

Before they bury Gerry Anderson someone had better check the coffin, just to make sure the Mysterons haven't got him...

Jimbuna · 12-27-12, 01:04 PM

Did you hear about guy the who opened a crisp factory.
He made a packet.

BossMark · 12-28-12, 06:51 AM

I broke up with my girlfriend last night using the classic line "It's not you, it's me."

"You're just saying that to make me feel better" she sobbed.

"No, it is me" I replied, "My wife's found out."

Jimbuna · 12-28-12, 08:12 AM

My boss spotted his mate whom he owes a large
sum of money stomp into the office today.

Quickly, He ran inside and told me to tell him he had travelled.

''Is your boss in his office?'' he asked.

''No." I replied. "He travelled"

''Damn! When will he be back?''

''Hang on a minute... I'll go ask him.''

BossMark · 12-28-12, 09:19 AM

"A quiet man is a thinking man".....

....a quiet woman is usually pissed off.

Jimbuna · 12-28-12, 09:38 AM

My wife is so ugly, when she passed out at the Christmas party...
she woke up with more clothes on.

BossMark · 12-28-12, 10:12 AM

So, it turns out Jimmy Saville was a regular guest of Mrs Thatcher.

No wonder Mark Thatcher turned out like he did

Jimbuna · 12-28-12, 10:39 AM

I walked up to the bar in a nightclub and said to the barman, "The condom machine in the gents isn't working, it has just swallowed the £2 coin that my mum gave me."

"Sorry, there's not much I can do," he replied.

"Well, can you try explaining that to my mum?" I asked.

"Sure," he replied, "Where is she?"

I said, "In the cubicle waiting for me."

BossMark · 12-28-12, 02:49 PM

My Irish neighbour has put 'Missing Cat' posters all over the trees on our estate.

I said to him, "I thought your cat died last week, Paddy?"

"It did," he replied, "That's why I'm missing him."

12-27-12, 11:14 AM	#2971
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	BBC employing paedophiles is pushing it, but having a women on match of the day is just wrong.. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

12-27-12, 11:28 AM	#2972
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,320 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Me and the wife adopted a snow leapord last Christmas. The bloody thing never came so we're putting in for a kid this year. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-27-12, 11:55 AM	#2973
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Riots erupted today, as shoppers came to blows over bargains, in the Glasgow branch of Pound land. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

12-27-12, 12:01 PM	#2974
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,320 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My wife said she wanted something that would put a huge smile on her face this Christmas. So I bought her a face paint kit. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-27-12, 12:36 PM	#2975
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I can't believe how easy my exam questions were! For example. Q1/ Two surveys are done. Michael asks 10 members of the public and Michelle asks 1000. Which survey is the most reliable and why? My answer .... Michael's, because it was done by a man. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

12-27-12, 12:39 PM	#2976
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,320 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I didn't get awarded worst teeth 2012. I got crowned. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-27-12, 12:56 PM	#2977
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Before they bury Gerry Anderson someone had better check the coffin, just to make sure the Mysterons haven't got him... __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

12-27-12, 01:04 PM	#2978
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,320 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Did you hear about guy the who opened a crisp factory. He made a packet. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-28-12, 06:51 AM	#2979
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I broke up with my girlfriend last night using the classic line "It's not you, it's me." "You're just saying that to make me feel better" she sobbed. "No, it is me" I replied, "My wife's found out." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

12-28-12, 08:12 AM	#2980
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,320 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My boss spotted his mate whom he owes a large sum of money stomp into the office today. Quickly, He ran inside and told me to tell him he had travelled. ''Is your boss in his office?'' he asked. ''No." I replied. "He travelled" ''Damn! When will he be back?'' ''Hang on a minute... I'll go ask him.'' __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-28-12, 09:19 AM	#2981
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	"A quiet man is a thinking man"..... ....a quiet woman is usually pissed off. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

12-28-12, 09:38 AM	#2982
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,320 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My wife is so ugly, when she passed out at the Christmas party... she woke up with more clothes on. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-28-12, 10:12 AM	#2983
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	So, it turns out Jimmy Saville was a regular guest of Mrs Thatcher. No wonder Mark Thatcher turned out like he did __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

12-28-12, 10:39 AM	#2984
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,320 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I walked up to the bar in a nightclub and said to the barman, "The condom machine in the gents isn't working, it has just swallowed the £2 coin that my mum gave me." "Sorry, there's not much I can do," he replied. "Well, can you try explaining that to my mum?" I asked. "Sure," he replied, "Where is she?" I said, "In the cubicle waiting for me." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-28-12, 02:49 PM	#2985
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My Irish neighbour has put 'Missing Cat' posters all over the trees on our estate. I said to him, "I thought your cat died last week, Paddy?" "It did," he replied, "That's why I'm missing him." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now