The joke thread II - Page 191

Platapus · 03-22-21, 05:00 PM

I think that 6:30 is the best time of the day
Hands down

Platapus · 03-22-21, 05:01 PM

A friend of mine told me that she was having a hard time paying her water bill.

I sent her a "Get Well Soon" card.

Jimbuna · 03-23-21, 09:56 AM

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?

Frost bite!

Jimbuna · 03-23-21, 09:57 AM

What did one plate say to the other plate?

Dinner is on me!

Platapus · 03-23-21, 05:33 PM

I got fired from my job at Uber.
Evidently going that extra mile is not recommended

Platapus · 03-23-21, 05:35 PM

I got fired from my retail store because my till was always a little bit short

When asked why, I told my boss, "Because when I work, I always give 110%"

Jimbuna · 03-24-21, 12:48 PM

My 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion. The doctor asked him a series of questions: “Do you know where you are?” “I’m at Rex Hospital.” “What city are you in?” “Raleigh.” “Do you know who I am?” “Dr. Hamilton.” My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, “I hope he doesn’t ask me any more questions.” “Why?” she asked. “Because all of those answers were on his badge.”

Jimbuna · 03-24-21, 12:49 PM

As a brain wave technologist, I often ask postoperative patients to smile to make sure their facial nerves are intact. It always struck me as odd to be asking this question right after brain surgery, so a colleague suggested I ask patients to show me their teeth. Armed with this new phrase, I said to my next patient, “Mr. Smith, show me your teeth.” He shook his head. “The nurse has them.”

Platapus · 03-24-21, 04:58 PM

What has four letters. Sometimes has nine letters. Never has five letters.

Jimbuna · 03-25-21, 01:22 PM

Harry went to his doctor on Thursday to review his test results. The Doctor told him I have good news and bad news.

"Good news is you have 48 hours to live," he said to Harry. "Bad news is I should have told you on Tuesday."

Jimbuna · 03-25-21, 01:23 PM

A doctor told his patient, "There's good news and bad news. The bad news is, you have partial short-term memory loss." The patient said, "Oh no, Doctor. What's the bad news?"

Jeff-Groves · 03-25-21, 02:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Platapus

What has four letters. Sometimes has nine letters. Never has five letters.

Boo!

Platapus · 03-25-21, 05:35 PM

I decided to quit my job as a treadmill tester

The job was going no where fast.

Platapus · 03-25-21, 05:36 PM

I had to return my box of animal crackers to the store

The seal was broken

Jimbuna · 03-26-21, 06:39 AM

I’d never had surgery, and I was nervous. “This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure,” the anesthesiologist reassured me. I felt better, until … “Heck,” he continued, “you have a better chance of dying from the anesthesia than the surgery itself.”

03-22-21, 05:00 PM	#2851
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,413 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	I think that 6:30 is the best time of the day Hands down __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

03-22-21, 05:01 PM	#2852
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,413 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	A friend of mine told me that she was having a hard time paying her water bill. I sent her a "Get Well Soon" card. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

03-23-21, 09:56 AM	#2853
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,185 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frost bite! __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

03-23-21, 09:57 AM	#2854
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,185 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner is on me! __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

03-23-21, 05:33 PM	#2855
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,413 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	I got fired from my job at Uber. Evidently going that extra mile is not recommended __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

03-23-21, 05:35 PM	#2856
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,413 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	I got fired from my retail store because my till was always a little bit short When asked why, I told my boss, "Because when I work, I always give 110%" __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

03-24-21, 12:48 PM	#2857
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,185 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion. The doctor asked him a series of questions: “Do you know where you are?” “I’m at Rex Hospital.” “What city are you in?” “Raleigh.” “Do you know who I am?” “Dr. Hamilton.” My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, “I hope he doesn’t ask me any more questions.” “Why?” she asked. “Because all of those answers were on his badge.” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

03-24-21, 12:49 PM	#2858
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,185 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	As a brain wave technologist, I often ask postoperative patients to smile to make sure their facial nerves are intact. It always struck me as odd to be asking this question right after brain surgery, so a colleague suggested I ask patients to show me their teeth. Armed with this new phrase, I said to my next patient, “Mr. Smith, show me your teeth.” He shook his head. “The nurse has them.” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

03-24-21, 04:58 PM	#2859
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,413 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	What has four letters. Sometimes has nine letters. Never has five letters. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

03-25-21, 01:22 PM	#2860
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,185 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Harry went to his doctor on Thursday to review his test results. The Doctor told him I have good news and bad news. "Good news is you have 48 hours to live," he said to Harry. "Bad news is I should have told you on Tuesday." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

03-25-21, 01:23 PM	#2861
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,185 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A doctor told his patient, "There's good news and bad news. The bad news is, you have partial short-term memory loss." The patient said, "Oh no, Doctor. What's the bad news?" __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

03-25-21, 05:35 PM	#2863
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,413 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	I decided to quit my job as a treadmill tester The job was going no where fast. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

03-25-21, 05:36 PM	#2864
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,413 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	I had to return my box of animal crackers to the store The seal was broken __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

03-26-21, 06:39 AM	#2865
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,185 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I’d never had surgery, and I was nervous. “This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure,” the anesthesiologist reassured me. I felt better, until … “Heck,” he continued, “you have a better chance of dying from the anesthesia than the surgery itself.” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!