The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

A drink driver hit me on my way to work this morning.

I only told the bus driver that he reeked of booze.

[BossMark]

I was arguing with my wife in the car earlier.

She said, "Do you know you haven't wished me happy birthday once today?"

I said, "Shut up you moaning cow, I'm taking you get a new dress, aren't I?"

"Right," she said. "For that, I'm picking the most expensive dress in the shop!"

"Go bloody mental," I replied, pulling into Primark's car park.

[Jimbuna]

A policeman pulled me over on the motorway today.

"Hang on a minute," I said to my wife on the phone. "Yes officer?"

He said, "You're talking on your mobile."

I said, "I know, I'm just telling my wife that I'm stuck in traffic and I may be home a few hours late."

"There is no traffic." he replied.

What a sod, I was winking at him as well.

[BossMark]

So Justin Bieber is confused as to why he got booed after singing at a Canadian football match..

It's easy Justin....They could hear.

[Jimbuna]

I walked into the funeral parlour and asked, "Do you sell gift vouchers?"

"For a loved one?"

"Hardly."

[Jimbuna]

Alex Salmond is reportedly very worried following a recent survey. When asked which currency the Scots should have after gaining independence, 77% said they wanted to keep the Giro......

[BossMark]

I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night.


Turns out he did fix the washing machine after all.

[Jimbuna]

I've got a pair of pants with the numbers 1 to 49 printed on them.

They're my national lottery draws.

[BossMark]

hate working for technical support when my blonde girlfriend calls.

"Hi, babe. The computer keeps freezing up, can you fix it for me?"

"I'll give it a shot, but follow my directions carefully." I said, "Now first I want you to click on 'my computer'

"How the hell am I supposed to do that, you git?! You're 10 miles away at work!" she raged before slamming the phone down.

[Jimbuna]

I like to do things with a bit of style and panache. I recently whisked the wife away to Paris.

When we got to the top of the Eiffel Tower, I asked her for a divorce.

[BossMark]

Back in the old days you needed a whole day to travel 50 miles.
Then the car was invented and people needed half an hour for the same distance.

So what have they done with the saved time?
They've built more cars and now they need a whole day again.

[Jimbuna]

I recorded every single episode of Hoarders on Sky+

Now I've got no more room for anything else.

[BossMark]

I told my boss that I'm working from home tomorrow.

"No you're bloody not" he replied.

"So how come Janet in accounts can?" I said.

"She doesn't drive an HGV".

[Jimbuna]

What did Adam say the day before Christmas?

"It's Christmas, Eve"

[BossMark]

I walked in today and told my wife that I'd had 6 numbers come in on the lottery.

"Well I'll tell you what," she smugly said. "You can have the car, the house, all the money in our joint account plus you'll never see me again, on one condition... You give me that ticket."

"Deal!" I replied handing the ticket over. "They're spread over 5 lines."