The joke thread II - Page 178

Platapus · 01-12-21, 06:48 PM

The doctor told me that he has some good news and some bad news.

I asked her to tell me the good news

The good news was that I had a month to live.

The bad news was that it is February.

Jimbuna · 01-13-21, 01:41 PM

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" "Nine..."

Jimbuna · 01-13-21, 01:43 PM

An Amish husband, wife and son travel to the city on vacation. They visit a shopping mall and while the mother is shopping, the father and son are standing in awe in front of an elevator (having no idea what it is). As they watch, an elderly lady walks into the strange silver doors and the doors close. The father and son watch as the numbers go up, and then back down. When the doors open, a beautiful young woman walks out. The father leans over and whispers to the son, "Son, go get your mother!"

Platapus · 01-13-21, 06:47 PM

Doctor came in to my room and told me that he as some good news and some bad news.

When asked about the bad news, he told me that I have 24 hours to live

I asked him what the good news was

He said "see that nurse over there? We have a date this Friday"

Jimbuna · 01-14-21, 10:43 AM

For a period, Houdini used a trap door in every single show he did…I guess you could say it was a stage he was going through.

Jimbuna · 01-14-21, 10:45 AM

A Spanish captain was walking on his ship when a soldier rushes to him and exclaims, "An enemy ship is approaching us!" The captain replies calmly, "Go get my red shirt." The soldier gets the shirt for the captain. The enemy ship comes in and heavy rounds of fire are exchanged. Finally, the Spaniards win. The soldier asks, "Congrats sir, but why the red shirt?" The captain replies, "If I got injured, my blood shouldn't be seen, as I didn't want my men to lose hope." Just then, another soldier runs up and says, "Sir, we just spotted another twenty enemy ships!" The captain calmly replies, "Go bring my yellow pants."

Platapus · 01-14-21, 07:35 PM

I confess that I am one of those people who encourage kids to run around in stores.

Of course, I make sure that their parents don't see me

Jimbuna · 01-15-21, 11:18 AM

Paddy and Murphy are havin' a pint in the pub, when some scuba divers come on the TV. Paddy says, "Murphy, why is it them deep sea divers always sit on the side of the boat with them air tanks on their backs, and fall backwards out of the boat?" Murphy thinks for a minute then says, "That's easy. It's 'cos if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the friggin boat!"

Jimbuna · 01-15-21, 11:19 AM

Q: What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?
A: Guardians of the Galaxy.

Jimbuna · 01-16-21, 03:11 PM

Q: Why did the old woman put roller skates on her rocking chair?
A: Because she wanted to rock and roll.

Jimbuna · 01-16-21, 03:12 PM

During an impassioned sermon about death and final judgement, the pastor said forcefully, "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement." Glancing down at the front pew, he noticed a man with a big smile on his face. The minister repeated his point louder. "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement!" The man nodded and smiled even more. This really got the preacher wound up. He pounded the pulpit emphatically when he came to the ultimatum: "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement!!!" Though everyone else in the congregation was looking somber, the man in front continued to smile. Finally the preacher stepped off the platform, stood in front of the man and shouted, "I said each member of this church is going to die!" The man grinned from ear to ear. After the service was over, the preacher made a beeline for the man. "I don't get it," the preacher said in frustration. "Whenever I said, 'Each member of this church is going to die,' your smile got bigger. Why?" "I'm not a member of this church," the man replied.

Jimbuna · 01-17-21, 11:19 AM

Tom was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Larry who was dying. Tom asked, "If there is baseball in heaven will you come back and tell me?" Larry nodded yes just as he passed away. That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Larry's voice in a dream, "Tom..." "Larry! What is it?!" asked Tom. "I have good news and bad news from heaven." "What's the good news?" "There is baseball in heaven after all, but the bad news is you're pitching on Tuesday."

Jimbuna · 01-17-21, 11:20 AM

One day, 3 men died and went to heaven. "Religion?" God's secretary asked the first man.
"Jewish," the man replied.
"Okay, go to room 23, but be very quiet when you go past room 8," the secretary said.
"Religion?" he asked the second man.
"Muslim."
"Go to room 10, but be very quiet when you go past room 8."
"Religion?" he asked the third man.
"Agnostic."
"Go to room 71, but be very quiet when you go past room 8."
"Why must I be quiet when I go past room 8?" the man asked.
The secretary replied, "Oh, the Catholics are in room 8, and they think that they are they only ones here."

Jimbuna · 01-18-21, 02:41 PM

Q: What has more lives than a cat?
A: A frog because it croaks every night.

Jimbuna · 01-18-21, 02:42 PM

Late one night, a preacher was driving on a country road and had a wreck. A farmer stopped and said, "Sir, are you okay?" The preacher said, "Yes, I had the Lord riding with me." The farmer said, "Well, you better let him ride with me, because you're gonna kill him."

01-12-21, 06:48 PM	#2656
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,437 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	The doctor told me that he has some good news and some bad news. I asked her to tell me the good news The good news was that I had a month to live. The bad news was that it is February. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

01-13-21, 01:41 PM	#2657
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,380 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" "Nine..." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-13-21, 01:43 PM	#2658
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,380 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	An Amish husband, wife and son travel to the city on vacation. They visit a shopping mall and while the mother is shopping, the father and son are standing in awe in front of an elevator (having no idea what it is). As they watch, an elderly lady walks into the strange silver doors and the doors close. The father and son watch as the numbers go up, and then back down. When the doors open, a beautiful young woman walks out. The father leans over and whispers to the son, "Son, go get your mother!" __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-13-21, 06:47 PM	#2659
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,437 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	Doctor came in to my room and told me that he as some good news and some bad news. When asked about the bad news, he told me that I have 24 hours to live I asked him what the good news was He said "see that nurse over there? We have a date this Friday" __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

01-14-21, 10:43 AM	#2660
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,380 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	For a period, Houdini used a trap door in every single show he did…I guess you could say it was a stage he was going through. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-14-21, 10:45 AM	#2661
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,380 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A Spanish captain was walking on his ship when a soldier rushes to him and exclaims, "An enemy ship is approaching us!" The captain replies calmly, "Go get my red shirt." The soldier gets the shirt for the captain. The enemy ship comes in and heavy rounds of fire are exchanged. Finally, the Spaniards win. The soldier asks, "Congrats sir, but why the red shirt?" The captain replies, "If I got injured, my blood shouldn't be seen, as I didn't want my men to lose hope." Just then, another soldier runs up and says, "Sir, we just spotted another twenty enemy ships!" The captain calmly replies, "Go bring my yellow pants." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-14-21, 07:35 PM	#2662
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,437 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	I confess that I am one of those people who encourage kids to run around in stores. Of course, I make sure that their parents don't see me __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

01-15-21, 11:18 AM	#2663
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,380 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Paddy and Murphy are havin' a pint in the pub, when some scuba divers come on the TV. Paddy says, "Murphy, why is it them deep sea divers always sit on the side of the boat with them air tanks on their backs, and fall backwards out of the boat?" Murphy thinks for a minute then says, "That's easy. It's 'cos if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the friggin boat!" __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-15-21, 11:19 AM	#2664
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,380 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Q: What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? A: Guardians of the Galaxy. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-16-21, 03:11 PM	#2665
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,380 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Q: Why did the old woman put roller skates on her rocking chair? A: Because she wanted to rock and roll. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-16-21, 03:12 PM	#2666
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,380 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	During an impassioned sermon about death and final judgement, the pastor said forcefully, "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement." Glancing down at the front pew, he noticed a man with a big smile on his face. The minister repeated his point louder. "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement!" The man nodded and smiled even more. This really got the preacher wound up. He pounded the pulpit emphatically when he came to the ultimatum: "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement!!!" Though everyone else in the congregation was looking somber, the man in front continued to smile. Finally the preacher stepped off the platform, stood in front of the man and shouted, "I said each member of this church is going to die!" The man grinned from ear to ear. After the service was over, the preacher made a beeline for the man. "I don't get it," the preacher said in frustration. "Whenever I said, 'Each member of this church is going to die,' your smile got bigger. Why?" "I'm not a member of this church," the man replied. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-17-21, 11:19 AM	#2667
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,380 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Tom was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Larry who was dying. Tom asked, "If there is baseball in heaven will you come back and tell me?" Larry nodded yes just as he passed away. That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Larry's voice in a dream, "Tom..." "Larry! What is it?!" asked Tom. "I have good news and bad news from heaven." "What's the good news?" "There is baseball in heaven after all, but the bad news is you're pitching on Tuesday." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-17-21, 11:20 AM	#2668
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,380 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	One day, 3 men died and went to heaven. "Religion?" God's secretary asked the first man. "Jewish," the man replied. "Okay, go to room 23, but be very quiet when you go past room 8," the secretary said. "Religion?" he asked the second man. "Muslim." "Go to room 10, but be very quiet when you go past room 8." "Religion?" he asked the third man. "Agnostic." "Go to room 71, but be very quiet when you go past room 8." "Why must I be quiet when I go past room 8?" the man asked. The secretary replied, "Oh, the Catholics are in room 8, and they think that they are they only ones here." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-18-21, 02:41 PM	#2669
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,380 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Q: What has more lives than a cat? A: A frog because it croaks every night. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-18-21, 02:42 PM	#2670
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,380 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Late one night, a preacher was driving on a country road and had a wreck. A farmer stopped and said, "Sir, are you okay?" The preacher said, "Yes, I had the Lord riding with me." The farmer said, "Well, you better let him ride with me, because you're gonna kill him." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!