The joke thread

[Sailor Steve]

Originally Posted by jimbuna

he's the famous erudite scientist

Hardly a scientist of any type. He's a stand-up comic, and I've been a fan for more than two decades.

[Jimbuna]

I thought it was quite a comical way of describing him actually....dry as sticks sort

[BossMark]

Mitt Romney's presidential quest was very much like Man City in the Champions league....
2 years of campaigning, multi-millions spent, even a glimmer of hope late on, but come midnight last night barring a miracle the game was all but over

[Jimbuna]

I bumped into an old mate last week, he said:

"I heard you lost your wife, tough break."

"Yeah, it was hard to take" I said, "9 times out of 10 a full-house is a winning hand."

[BossMark]

David Cameron was handed a list of Tory paedophiles live on air this morning.

It was basically Jimmy Savile's Christmas card list.

[BossMark]

Celtic fan Rod Stewart started crying uncontrollably after they beat Barcelona.....

He'd put 50p on a Barcelona win.

[Jimbuna]

David Cameron: "I look forward to working with Barack Obama for the next four years."

Two years, Dave, two years.

[Jimbuna]

My mate loved living life in the fast lane.

He eventually got run over and killed on the Autobahn.

[BossMark]

I walked up to the counter in the chemist and just my luck there was a girl serving.

"Erm... Morning," I said, "I need some erm... God, this is embarrassing..."

"Don't you worry sir," she leaned in and whispered reassuringly, "I get this every day!"

I smiled back.

"Condoms?" she said.

"No," I said.

"Suppositories?" she said.

"No," I said.

"Tampons?"

"No."

"Well, it can't be that embarrassing then, sir," she said with a smile.

"Paracetamol," I said.

"Paracetamol?" she gave me a puzzled look. "£1.99 please. What's so embarrassing?"

Then I pulled out my little pink purse.

[Jimbuna]

What do I and Lance Armstrong have in common?

Neither of us have won Tour de France.

[BossMark]

With these allegations about a paedophile ring with well known conservatives doing the rounds,
Gary Glitter has released a press statement through his solicitors stating;
"At no time have I ever been a conservative"

[Jimbuna]

I took a ring into Cash Converters to sell.
The guy said, "I'm not being funny but is this stolen?".
I said, "No, of course not".
He said, "Well, whose finger is this then?".

[BossMark]

My new girlfriend persuaded me not to go to the pub and take her out.

Whilst we were out,i began to feel horny so i started rubbing her thigh gently.

''Mark',she winked,''we've known each other for few days now...so go ahead''

so i left her and drove to the pub.

[BossMark]

My dad used to say the woman in your life means 3 rings.
Engagement ring....
Wedding ring....
Eternity ring....
He forgot suffering....

[Jimbuna]

I was in my psychiatrists waiting room , my beliefs have become fruit full, I have been paying £784.00 a month for 3 years, for some one to believe me when I told them i should have been born a vacuum cleaner, when hearing Dr.smarmsy say to his wife....thats the sucker right there..... I knew every penny had been worth it.