The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

My wife said she'd switch everything off before we went on holiday, as I couldn't be trusted to make a proper job of it.

Well just before we left I did a double-check. It's a good job I did, she'd forgotten to switch off the fridge and the aquarium.

[Jimbuna]

What's the smallest unit of time in the known universe?

The interval between the traffic light changing to green and the taxi driver behind you honking his horn.

[BossMark]

As soon as X Factor finished, I said to my wife "Right, turn all the lights off, let's get to bed."

"Oooh, your keen" she giggled.

"Too right" I said. "Match of the days on in a minute."

[Jimbuna]

I've just quit my job as a human cannonball in a travelling circus, the pay was terrible considering the risks I was taking.

My now ex-boss just rang me up devastated, he said they'll never find another man of my caliber.

[Herr-Berbunch]

Originally Posted by jimbuna

I've just quit my job as a human cannonball in a travelling circus, the pay was terrible considering the risks I was taking.

My now ex-boss just rang me up devastated, he said they'll never find another man of my caliber.

Did you quit, or get fired? Baddum-tish

[kiwi_2005]

A Dublin newspaper has since reported that Irish scientists searching for evidence of ancient phone systems in Ireland, excavated to a depth of 200 metres under a peat marsh in Mallow, found absolutely nothing.
Chief spade man Shaun Lamb stated, “This is comprehensive evidence that 3000 years ago, the Irish were already using mobile phones

[BossMark]

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mum and says, “Mummy, why does the girl wear white?”
His mum replies, “The bride is in white because she’s happy and this is the happiest day of her life.”
The boys thinks about this, and then says, “Well then why is the man wearing black…”

[BossMark]

There was fire at St James Park, Alan Pardew screams the cups, the cups, the groundsman says 'the fire hasn't reached the canteen yet Alan'

[Jimbuna]

Q. What would you call a pregnant Leeds United fan?
A: A dope carrier.

[Jimbuna]

Q: Why can't you get a cup of tea at Elland Road?
A: All the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Highbury, Old Trafford and St James Park.

[BossMark]

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. “I can’t believe it! I’ve got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours – all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don’t even have a Christmas tree!
I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn’t even back yet! What am I going to do?”
Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says
“Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?”
And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass…

[BossMark]

Originally Posted by jimbuna

Old Trafford

If I was a moderator I would give you a warning for foul and abusive language

[Jimbuna]

Originally Posted by BossMark

If I was a moderator I would give you a warning for foul and abusive language

Ah but you isn't and perhaps I should give you a warning for threatening a moderator

[Jimbuna]

Our family surname is "Daniels". So rather hilariously we named our first child Jack.

She hates it.

[BossMark]

Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for men who are married.
Every month the centrefold is the exact same woman.