The joke thread II - Page 167

Platapus · 11-19-20, 06:33 PM

Even thought I have lost most of my hair, I still carry comb. I have had it for years but I just can't part with it.

Platapus · 11-19-20, 06:34 PM

I have made a resolution not to eat Thanksgiving dinner leftovers this year.

I am quitting cold turkey.

Jimbuna · 11-20-20, 09:09 AM

A man is attending a function in another village, riding a horse. As he is about to go, he notices that his horse is missing. He shouts, asking for his horse, but nobody seems to know where it is. "If I don't find my horse, I will do exactly what I did when I lost my first horse!" Suddenly, the horse appears. Out of curiosity, a man goes up to him and asks, "What did you do when you lost your first horse?" He replies, "I walked."

Jimbuna · 11-20-20, 09:11 AM

Jason gets off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocks on his blind date's door. She opens it and is very beautiful and charming. "I'll be ready in a few minutes," she says. "Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up, and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through." The dog follows Jason onto the balcony and starts rolling over. John makes a hoop with his arms and Spot jumps through, over the balcony railing. Just then, Jason's date walks out. "Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?" "To tell the the truth, " he replies, "Spot seemed a little depressed to me!"

Platapus · 11-20-20, 06:54 PM

The firefighters said that the fire in my house was caused by arson

The spooky thing is that I don't have children.

Jimbuna · 11-21-20, 09:52 AM

A duck walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve ducks here." The duck says, "I'll pay you $20." "Your money isn't good here." "Then put it on my bill."

Jimbuna · 11-21-20, 11:14 AM

One night a Deer, a Skunk and a Duck went out for dinner at a restaurant. When it came time to pay, the Skunk didn't have a scent, the Deer didn't have a buck, so they put it on the Duck's bill.

Platapus · 11-21-20, 11:41 AM

At my age, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

Jimbuna · 11-21-20, 01:25 PM

Q: Why is turtle wax so expensive?
A: Because they have such small ears.

Platapus · 11-22-20, 05:40 AM

Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

Platapus · 11-22-20, 05:41 AM

It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

Jimbuna · 11-22-20, 09:08 AM

Q: What does a cheetah say when someone looks at it?
A: "I've been spotted!"

Jimbuna · 11-22-20, 09:10 AM

I drove my sister's guinea pig to the vet this morning. My new golf clubs work great!

Jimbuna · 11-22-20, 12:09 PM

Fed up with failure in preventing coyotes from killing his sheep, a rancher brought out his rifle to eliminate the pack. Suddenly, a federal bureaucrat rushed up and breathlessly screamed, "Wait, there's no need to do that. We've developed a new drug that renders them impotent." "I don't know what y`all do in Washington," drawled the rancher taking aim again, "but out here the coyotes eat the sheep."

Platapus · 11-23-20, 06:29 AM

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

11-19-20, 06:33 PM	#2491
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,995 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	Even thought I have lost most of my hair, I still carry comb. I have had it for years but I just can't part with it. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

11-19-20, 06:34 PM	#2492
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,995 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	I have made a resolution not to eat Thanksgiving dinner leftovers this year. I am quitting cold turkey. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

11-20-20, 09:09 AM	#2493
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,691 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A man is attending a function in another village, riding a horse. As he is about to go, he notices that his horse is missing. He shouts, asking for his horse, but nobody seems to know where it is. "If I don't find my horse, I will do exactly what I did when I lost my first horse!" Suddenly, the horse appears. Out of curiosity, a man goes up to him and asks, "What did you do when you lost your first horse?" He replies, "I walked." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

11-20-20, 09:11 AM	#2494
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,691 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Jason gets off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocks on his blind date's door. She opens it and is very beautiful and charming. "I'll be ready in a few minutes," she says. "Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up, and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through." The dog follows Jason onto the balcony and starts rolling over. John makes a hoop with his arms and Spot jumps through, over the balcony railing. Just then, Jason's date walks out. "Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?" "To tell the the truth, " he replies, "Spot seemed a little depressed to me!" __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

11-20-20, 06:54 PM	#2495
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,995 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	The firefighters said that the fire in my house was caused by arson The spooky thing is that I don't have children. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

11-21-20, 09:52 AM	#2496
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,691 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A duck walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve ducks here." The duck says, "I'll pay you $20." "Your money isn't good here." "Then put it on my bill." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

11-21-20, 11:14 AM	#2497
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,691 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	One night a Deer, a Skunk and a Duck went out for dinner at a restaurant. When it came time to pay, the Skunk didn't have a scent, the Deer didn't have a buck, so they put it on the Duck's bill. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

11-21-20, 11:41 AM	#2498
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,995 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	At my age, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

11-21-20, 01:25 PM	#2499
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,691 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Q: Why is turtle wax so expensive? A: Because they have such small ears. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

11-22-20, 05:40 AM	#2500
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,995 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

11-22-20, 05:41 AM	#2501
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,995 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

11-22-20, 09:08 AM	#2502
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,691 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Q: What does a cheetah say when someone looks at it? A: "I've been spotted!" __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

11-22-20, 09:10 AM	#2503
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,691 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I drove my sister's guinea pig to the vet this morning. My new golf clubs work great! __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

11-22-20, 12:09 PM	#2504
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,691 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Fed up with failure in preventing coyotes from killing his sheep, a rancher brought out his rifle to eliminate the pack. Suddenly, a federal bureaucrat rushed up and breathlessly screamed, "Wait, there's no need to do that. We've developed a new drug that renders them impotent." "I don't know what y`all do in Washington," drawled the rancher taking aim again, "but out here the coyotes eat the sheep." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

11-23-20, 06:29 AM	#2505
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,995 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	The older I get, the earlier it gets late. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.