The joke thread - Page 166

Sailor Steve · 11-02-12, 11:47 AM

Copypasta monsta strikes again.

Jimbuna · 11-02-12, 12:09 PM

Sarah, what are you doing?
Nothing, just downstairs, what are you doing honey?
Upstairs playing fifa, do you smell something?
No, why?
Me neither, get the dinner on!!!!

Jimbuna · 11-03-12, 06:11 AM

My wife has been badgering me to paint the lounge but keeps insisting that I use muted and neutral colours. I gave in eventually and packed her off to her mother's while I decorated. She telephoned me on the first evening.

"So what colour have you chosen?"

"I've gone for 'mushroom'? Will that be OK?" I queried.

"Actually, that sounds nice. See you tomorrow."

I hope she likes it. It took ages to paint the white dots on the red background.

Jimbuna · 11-03-12, 12:14 PM

I was wondering what the probability of someone getting hit by lightning was.

Then it struck me.

BossMark · 11-03-12, 12:19 PM

Any Scottish footballer will tell you what's the hardest thing about being a substitute on match day.

Having to sit down on a bench without cracking open a can of Special Brew.

BossMark · 11-03-12, 12:24 PM

I'm disgusted with the accusations made against Freddie Starr.

For gods sake, let the poor sod die first.

Platapus · 11-03-12, 01:14 PM

How does Ann Romney get Mitt Romney in the "romantic mood"?

She wears a pink slip.

(rimshot)

Jimbuna · 11-03-12, 02:05 PM

My latest girlfriend is leaving my because of my obsession with Queen
... Another one bites the dust

Jimbuna · 11-04-12, 07:21 AM

The recession has had a detrimental effect on my sex life.

It's ages since I've been able to afford it.

BossMark · 11-04-12, 07:57 AM

I've finally remembered the word that I've been thinking about for two weeks.

Its 'fortnight.

Jimbuna · 11-04-12, 08:14 AM

I've just rung the wife at work to say we've been burgled.

Thank God the bailiffs called whilst she was out.

BossMark · 11-04-12, 08:47 AM

I met this fit bird in a club last night.
'Fancy taking me somewhere a little more quiet?' She purred.

20 minutes later, I was sitting in the library by myself wondering where I went wrong.

Jimbuna · 11-04-12, 10:49 AM

I was walking though Liverpool today when I saw my mates teenage brother and his pregnant girlfriend.

"What are you expecting?" I asked.

"Loads of benefits," he replied.

BossMark · 11-04-12, 11:52 AM

Tonight's X Factor theme is 'number ones'. They should've made it about number twos as all the performances are likely to be crap

BossMark · 11-04-12, 11:58 AM

I took my girlfriend out to meet my mates yesterday.

We played snooker, watched football, then ended up in a strip club.

As we walked home with a doner kebab I said to her, "Have you had a good night?"

"Not really," she replied, "I've had better birthdays."

11-02-12, 11:47 AM	#2476
Sailor Steve Eternal Patrol Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: High in the mountains of Utah Posts: 50,369 Downloads: 745 Uploads: 249	Copypasta monsta strikes again. __________________ “Never do anything you can't take back.” —Rocky Russo

11-02-12, 12:09 PM	#2477
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,152 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Sarah, what are you doing? Nothing, just downstairs, what are you doing honey? Upstairs playing fifa, do you smell something? No, why? Me neither, get the dinner on!!!! __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

11-03-12, 06:11 AM	#2478
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,152 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My wife has been badgering me to paint the lounge but keeps insisting that I use muted and neutral colours. I gave in eventually and packed her off to her mother's while I decorated. She telephoned me on the first evening. "So what colour have you chosen?" "I've gone for 'mushroom'? Will that be OK?" I queried. "Actually, that sounds nice. See you tomorrow." I hope she likes it. It took ages to paint the white dots on the red background. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

11-03-12, 12:14 PM	#2479
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,152 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I was wondering what the probability of someone getting hit by lightning was. Then it struck me. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

11-03-12, 12:19 PM	#2480
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Any Scottish footballer will tell you what's the hardest thing about being a substitute on match day. Having to sit down on a bench without cracking open a can of Special Brew. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

11-03-12, 12:24 PM	#2481
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I'm disgusted with the accusations made against Freddie Starr. For gods sake, let the poor sod die first. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

11-03-12, 01:14 PM	#2482
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,406 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	How does Ann Romney get Mitt Romney in the "romantic mood"? She wears a pink slip. (rimshot) __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

11-03-12, 02:05 PM	#2483
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,152 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My latest girlfriend is leaving my because of my obsession with Queen ... Another one bites the dust __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

11-04-12, 07:21 AM	#2484
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,152 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	The recession has had a detrimental effect on my sex life. It's ages since I've been able to afford it. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

11-04-12, 07:57 AM	#2485
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I've finally remembered the word that I've been thinking about for two weeks. Its 'fortnight. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

11-04-12, 08:14 AM	#2486
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,152 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I've just rung the wife at work to say we've been burgled. Thank God the bailiffs called whilst she was out. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

11-04-12, 08:47 AM	#2487
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I met this fit bird in a club last night. 'Fancy taking me somewhere a little more quiet?' She purred. 20 minutes later, I was sitting in the library by myself wondering where I went wrong. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

11-04-12, 10:49 AM	#2488
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,152 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I was walking though Liverpool today when I saw my mates teenage brother and his pregnant girlfriend. "What are you expecting?" I asked. "Loads of benefits," he replied. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

11-04-12, 11:52 AM	#2489
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Tonight's X Factor theme is 'number ones'. They should've made it about number twos as all the performances are likely to be crap __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

11-04-12, 11:58 AM	#2490
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I took my girlfriend out to meet my mates yesterday. We played snooker, watched football, then ended up in a strip club. As we walked home with a doner kebab I said to her, "Have you had a good night?" "Not really," she replied, "I've had better birthdays." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now