The joke thread

[BossMark]

The three wise men are out for a stroll when they come across a stable.
The three of them decide to duck inside. On the way in one of the wise men hits his head on the low entranceway.
“Jesus Christ!” he says.
Joseph says, “Quick, Mary, write that down! It’s a hell of a lot better than Clyde!”

[Jimbuna]

I saw a homeless man sleeping inside a big cardboard box outside the train station this morning.

Not wanting to disturb him, I crept over and put a Starbucks coffee cup on top of his box.

He immediately woke up and said, "Thank you."

"No problem." I smiled.

He looked at me again and said, "It's empty."

I said, "I know, it's meant to be a chimney."

[Jimbuna]

Noticing a fat couple kissing, my girlfriend said, "Have you ever been out with a fat girl before?"

"No, you're the first," probably wasn't the best response.

[BossMark]

A couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption centre called and told them they had a wonderful Japanese baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption centre, they stopped by the local college so they each could en roll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Japanese?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Japanese baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him

[Jimbuna]

My son's tooth fell out last night.

My wife said to him, "If you put it under your pillow, a fairy will come along and replace it with a fiver."

So once he fell asleep, I crept into his bedroom, took the tooth from under his pillow and put it under mine.

[BossMark]

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time chatting about the wild romantic nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d be interested in meeting up and rekindling some of that “magic.”
“Wow!” I said, “I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now! I’m a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!”
She just giggled and said that she was sure I’d rise to the challenge!
“Yeah?” I replied, “Just so long as you don’t mind a man with a waistline that’s a few inches wider these days!”
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that tubby bald men were cute!
“Anyway, I’ve put on a few pounds myself!” she giggled.
After hearing that I told her to sod off and I hung up the phone.

[Jimbuna]

I walked in with a bunch of flowers today and my wife said, "Ok, what have you done now?"

"I slept with your sister," I replied.

"What? And you think a bunch of flowers are going to make me forgive you?" she screamed.

"What the heck are you on about?" I replied. "They're for your sister."

[BossMark]

There were 3 nuns on a train and they had been talking for some time when they decided to pass the time by telling each other what their greatest sins where.
The first nun got up and said, “My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out for a week and become a prostitute. Of course I put all the money I earn in the poor box but that is my greatest sin.”
The second nun got up and said, “My greatest sin is drinking. Every year I take the money out of the poor box and drink for one consecutive week.”
The third nun was sitting there being very quite. The other nuns say “come now we told you our worst sins, what is yours.”
The third nun got up and said, “My greatest sin is that I am a gossip and I can’t wait to get off this train.

[Jimbuna]

I was disappointed yesterday when a statement came through the post that informed me that my ex wife's credit card has been maxed out.

Still, at least I managed to get a new 60 inch plasma, pay for a holiday in Dubai and a whole new wardrobe first.

[Jimbuna]

I knocked on my neighbour's door and said, "Your daughter owes me a new van. I've just crashed into a tree because of her."

"You must be mistaken," she replied, "our daughter is upstairs getting changed out of her school uniform"

I said, "I know, she's left the curtains open."

[BossMark]

There’s a guy with a Doberman Pincher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pincher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, “Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.”
The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.”
The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, “Just follow my lead.” They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pincher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, “Sorry, mac, no pets allowed.
The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The guy at the door says, “A Doberman Pincher?”
He says, “Yes, they’re using them now, they’re very good.”
The guy at the door says, “Come on in.”
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, “What the hell” so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The guy at the door says, “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.”
The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The guy at the door says, “A Chihuahua?”
He says, “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”

[Jimbuna]

BBC2, 9pm tonight:The Toughest Place to be a Miner..Not sure whether to expect a documentary on South Africa or Jimmy Savilles bedroom.

[Jimbuna]

The police came round last night, kicked my door down, dragged me out of my bed and arrested me for aiding and abetting child molestation and rape.

I just don't understand it, all I did was buy a tv licence.

[BossMark]

A fisherman and his wife had twin sons named Towards and Away.
Once the boys were grown, the fisherman took them out to sea to learn the family fishing trade.
A week later, the mother saw her husband dock the boat all alone.”Oh no! What has happened to my darling boys?” she cried.”
We were just one day out to sea, when Towards hooked a great fish. He fought long and hard, but he was pulled over the side and swallowed whole by the fish.”
“Oh dear, what a huge, horrible fish that must of been!”
“Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away.”

[BossMark]

I saw some gorgeous identical twins standing at the bar last night.
I staggered over and said, “Do you ladies fancy coming back to my place for a wild threesome?”
“You’re bloody drunk aren’t you?” they asked.
“No,” I slurred, “What makes you think that?”
They said, “I’m standing here on my own.”