The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

I'm looking forward to the part of Abu hamza's trial where they ask him to put his right hand on a bible!!!!

[BossMark]

Here are the texting codes for the older generation:
ATD – at the doctor.
BFF – best friend fell.
BTW -bring the wheelchair .
BYOT – bring your own teeth.
FWIW – forgot where I was.
GGPBL – gotta go, pacemaker battery low.
GHA – got heartburn again.
IMHO – is my hearing aid on?
LMDO -laughing my dentures out.
OMMR – on my massage recliner.
WIWYA – when I was your age.
ROFLACGU – rolling on floor laughing and can’t get up.

[Jimbuna]

Over the dinner table the wife said to me, "Watch it, there's a fly on your dinner." As she prepared to shoo it away.

I said, "No leave it, it's the only thing on the plate that isn't burnt."

[Jimbuna]

There are only 2 things preventing me from being an evil genius:

1) I'm nice.
2) I'm a bit thick.

[Herr-Berbunch]

Originally Posted by jimbuna

There are only 2 things preventing me from being an evil genius:

1) I'm nice.
2) I'm a bit thick.

I remember reading that elsewhere recently, shameless plagiarism.

[BossMark]

Worried man to Psychologist: “My wife treats me like a DOG !”
Psychologist: “Does She abuse, Hit or Starve YOU?
Man: NoNo..Worse! She wants Me to Be FAITHFUL!!

[Jimbuna]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

[BossMark]

My wife asked, “Would you love me more if I was really smart or really beautiful?”
I replied, “Yes, I probably would.”

[Jimbuna]

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent.

"Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what’s on the top of a house?"

"Roof!" the dog replies.

"Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go ‘roof’."

"No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers.

The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience.

"No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?"

"Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.

And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

[BossMark]

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, ‘ That poor old couple – all they can afford is one meal for the two of them. ‘
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine – they were used to sharing everything
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said ‘ No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything. ‘
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked ‘ What is it you are waiting for?
She answered –
‘ THE TEETH. ‘

[Jimbuna]

A guy meets a hooker in a bar.

She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words."

The guy replies, "Hey, why not?"

He pulls his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."

[BossMark]

A man spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas casinos, and he won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so when he came back home, he immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it.

The next morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house. He screamed at the professor:

"You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my money I'll kill him!"

The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language: "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."

The professor turned to the man with the gun and said: "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."

[BossMark]

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph ‘s Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”The operator said, “I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number of the patient?”The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”The operator replied, “Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse’s station for that room.”After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, “I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.”The grandmother said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news.”The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me nothing.”

[Sailor Steve]

Originally Posted by Herr-Berbunch

I remember reading that elsewhere recently, shameless plagiarism.

As is pretty much everything in this thread.

[Sailor Steve]

Originally Posted by jimbuna

And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

Addendum:

"What goes on the outside of a tree?"
"Bark!"
What did Noah take the animals in?"
"Ark!"

I've told that one a thousand times over the past forty years or so, and I bet I've told it more than once here, maybe even in this thread. That doesn't stop it from being funny, though. I'd forgotten that I knew it. Thanks for bringing it back.