The joke thread

[BossMark]

A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
Regis: “Barbara, you’ve done very well so far – $500,000 and one lifeline left — phone a friend.
The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right … but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 — are you ready?”
Barbara: “Sure, I’ll have a go!”
Regis: “Which of the following birds does not build it’s own nest?
Is it……..
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush
Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars.”
“I think I know who it..but I’m not 100%…
No, I haven’t got a clue. I’d like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.
Regis: “Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?
Barbara: “I’ll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham.”
(ringing)
Maggie (also a blonde): “Hello…”
Regis: “Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.
The next voice you hear will be Barbara’s and she’ll read you the question.
There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer — fire away Barbara.”
Barbara: “Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it’s own nest? Is it:
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush”
Maggie: “Oh Gees, Barbara that’s simple…..It’s a Cuckoo.”
Barbara: “You think?”
Maggie: “I’m sure.”
Barbara: ” Thanks Maggie.” (hangs up)
Regis: “Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?”
Barbara: “I want to play, I’ll go with C-Cuckoo”
Regis: “Is that your final answer?”
Barbara: “It is.”
Regis: “Are you confident?”
Barbara: “Yes fairly, Maggie’s a sound bet.”
Regis: “Barbara…..you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo …you’re right! – You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.
Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara.”
(clapping)
That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks “Tell me Maggie, How in God’s name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?
Maggie: “Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock.”

[Jimbuna]

By the time the soldier pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded with a proprietor. "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he's an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you..." "No problem," the tired army guy assured him, "I'll take it."

The next morning the soldier came down to breakfast table bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better!" said the soldier. The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring all night long?" "No, I shut him up in no time," explained the soldier. "How'd you manage that?" "Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the room, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek," explained the soldier. Then, I whispered in his ear, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night looking at me."

[BossMark]

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked,
“How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.
“Mr. Barnes, it’s obviously not a good morning for golf. It’s good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don’t have any,” he replied gruffly.
“Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?”
“Ninety-eight,” he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
“Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person
can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?”
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit,
turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,
“I outlived the bastards.”

[Jimbuna]

A £5000 reward is being offered after a mystery man was caught kicking a traffic warden in the face on CCTV.

It's not a lot, mate, but you deserve every penny so please come forward ASAP.

[Jimbuna]

My granny told me what it used to be like at the seaside. "There was a laughing sailor machine. You put your money in and you didn't win anything or get a refund, it just laughed at you. There's nothing like that these days."
I said, "Yes there is - it's called the lottery."

[Jimbuna]

I decided to join an animal rights group a few weeks ago.

At my first meeting it was proposed that we drive into town to put up all of our posters,drive back to the meeting hall to collect more money and then back into town to collect more posters from the printers.

My suggestion about how to kill two birds with one stone was not well received.

[BossMark]

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
Boss: Yes.
Employee: I won’t beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don’t want to start a brain drain, I’m willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?
Employee: Great! It’s a deal! Thank you, sir!
Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity,
what companies were after you?
Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

[Jimbuna]

I took a fat bird out for a meal last night.

The waiter said, "Would you like to order?"

I said, "Yes, she'd like a steak and I'd like the fish, please."

He said, "Would you like the head and tail leaving on?"

I said, "Yes, I reckon she can eat a full cow."

[Sailor Steve]

I went to my boss and said I wanted a raise. I said I should be paid what I'm worth.

He replied "I'd love to pay you what you're worth. Unfortunately we have minimum-wage laws."

[Jimbuna]

Pete, the cleaner in our office won the employee of the month award last night.

We all stayed behind and had a massive party to celebrate and then went on to a nightclub in town.

It was a great night. Pete would have really enjoyed it if he didn't have to stay behind and tidy up.

[Jimbuna]

They've installed a machine at the pub which tells you when to stop drinking.


Its called an ATM.

[BossMark]

Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.
The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.

[BossMark]

Finding her young son scooping ice cream in the kitchen, a mother raged, “Dinner is going to be ready soon. Put that ice cream away and go and play.”
“But mum” wailed the child, “There’s no one to play with.”
“OK,” said the mother wearily, “I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?
“Lets play mummy and daddy. You go upstairs and lie on the bed.”
So the mother went upstairs and lay on the bed.
The boy put on his father’s fishing hat, lit up one of his cigars, went upstairs and opened the bedroom door.
Seeing him standing there, the mother asked,”Now what do I do?”
The boy answered, “Get your ass out of bed and go and fix that kid some bloody ice cream!”

[Jimbuna]

Why should you never wear Russian underpants?

Because Chernobyl fallout.

[BossMark]

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six."