The joke thread II - Page 154

Jimbuna · 09-16-20, 12:48 PM

I think I might be a racist. My favourite sports are marathons, formula 1 and horse racing.

Jimbuna · 09-16-20, 12:50 PM

Apparently when your wife says “do whatever you want” that’s not what she means. Luckily the stripper I ordered agreed to a refund.

Platapus · 09-16-20, 02:40 PM

A man was killed by a starter pistol

Police think it was race related

Jimbuna · 09-17-20, 01:08 PM

The universe made of 4 things, protons, electrons, neutrons and morons.

Jimbuna · 09-17-20, 01:09 PM

I hate it when funerals are at 9am. I’m not a mourning person.

Jimbuna · 09-18-20, 11:39 AM

If God made everything then does that mean he’s Chinese?

Jimbuna · 09-18-20, 11:43 AM

Paddy won the lottery, 22 million, He went to collect his winnings and they said, Really sorry Paddy but we haven’t got enough money to pay you it all. We will give you 11 million this week and 11 million next week, Ah be Jesus says paddy. If your gonna mess me about gimme me pound back.

Jimbuna · 09-19-20, 01:08 PM

My dad died recently. He lost a lot of blood and nobody knew his blood-type. I’ll never forget his inspirational last words, “Be positive”.

Jimbuna · 09-19-20, 01:11 PM

Asked a librarian the other day if she had any books about paranoia.

She whispered: “They’re right behind you.”

Jimbuna · 09-20-20, 01:37 PM

Just seen at idiot in my local gym putting a bottle of water into the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

Jimbuna · 09-20-20, 01:38 PM

If ‘Plan A’ fails remember that you still have 25 other letters left.

Platapus · 09-21-20, 09:22 AM

There was a bottleneck at the Tickle Me Elmo assembly factory

There was this one woman who was hand sewing a small bag with two marbles between the legs of each Tickle Me Elmo.

The supervisor informed her that she misunderstood her job. She was supposed to give each Elmo two test tickles.

Jimbuna · 09-21-20, 11:42 AM

Wife: How many women have u slept with?
Husband: Only you darling, I was awake with the other women.

Jimbuna · 09-21-20, 01:56 PM

The following conversation took place in a bar between me and a Chinese man.

Me: Do you know martial arts like Kung fu, ju-jitsu or karate?
Chinese man: Why you ask me dat? Is it coz I Chinese?
Me: No… It’s because you’re drinking my beer!!

Jimbuna · 09-22-20, 12:33 PM

My doctor told me today that I have the body of a 25 year old.
Not sure how he discovered my secret so I decided to kill him and bury them both together.

09-16-20, 12:48 PM	#2296
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 190,461 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I think I might be a racist. My favourite sports are marathons, formula 1 and horse racing. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

09-16-20, 12:50 PM	#2297
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 190,461 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Apparently when your wife says “do whatever you want” that’s not what she means. Luckily the stripper I ordered agreed to a refund. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

09-16-20, 02:40 PM	#2298
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,360 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	A man was killed by a starter pistol Police think it was race related __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

09-17-20, 01:08 PM	#2299
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 190,461 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	The universe made of 4 things, protons, electrons, neutrons and morons. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

09-17-20, 01:09 PM	#2300
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 190,461 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I hate it when funerals are at 9am. I’m not a mourning person. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

09-18-20, 11:39 AM	#2301
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 190,461 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	If God made everything then does that mean he’s Chinese? __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

09-18-20, 11:43 AM	#2302
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 190,461 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Paddy won the lottery, 22 million, He went to collect his winnings and they said, Really sorry Paddy but we haven’t got enough money to pay you it all. We will give you 11 million this week and 11 million next week, Ah be Jesus says paddy. If your gonna mess me about gimme me pound back. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

09-19-20, 01:08 PM	#2303
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 190,461 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My dad died recently. He lost a lot of blood and nobody knew his blood-type. I’ll never forget his inspirational last words, “Be positive”. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

09-19-20, 01:11 PM	#2304
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 190,461 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Asked a librarian the other day if she had any books about paranoia. She whispered: “They’re right behind you.” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

09-20-20, 01:37 PM	#2305
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 190,461 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Just seen at idiot in my local gym putting a bottle of water into the Pringles holder on the treadmill. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

09-20-20, 01:38 PM	#2306
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 190,461 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	If ‘Plan A’ fails remember that you still have 25 other letters left. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

09-21-20, 09:22 AM	#2307
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,360 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	There was a bottleneck at the Tickle Me Elmo assembly factory There was this one woman who was hand sewing a small bag with two marbles between the legs of each Tickle Me Elmo. The supervisor informed her that she misunderstood her job. She was supposed to give each Elmo two test tickles. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

09-21-20, 11:42 AM	#2308
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 190,461 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Wife: How many women have u slept with? Husband: Only you darling, I was awake with the other women. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

09-21-20, 01:56 PM	#2309
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 190,461 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	The following conversation took place in a bar between me and a Chinese man. Me: Do you know martial arts like Kung fu, ju-jitsu or karate? Chinese man: Why you ask me dat? Is it coz I Chinese? Me: No… It’s because you’re drinking my beer!! __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

09-22-20, 12:33 PM	#2310
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 190,461 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My doctor told me today that I have the body of a 25 year old. Not sure how he discovered my secret so I decided to kill him and bury them both together. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!