The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

I heard if you drink every day that means your an alcoholic so I now only drink at night.

[Platapus]

I joined Alcoholics Anonymous


I still drink, but I use an assumed name

[Jimbuna]

Got an email from a bored housewife the other day looking for ‘some action’ so I decided to send her some of my ironing to keep her busy.

[Platapus]

Someone just asked me, "Who do you think will win the 2020 Presidential Election?"

I said, I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.

[Platapus]

It’s important to look closely at lawn signs during election campaigns

Last time I voted for a real estate agent

[Platapus]

A High school class was discussing the qualifications to be president of the United States . It was pretty simple.

The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

KC and the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating ....

"What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by c-section?"

[Jimbuna]

Have you heard about that new TV program about origami?
It’s paper view.

[Jimbuna]

My new business on Ebay is a great success. Just sold my homing pigeons for the 17th time in a row!

[Platapus]

A politician visits a small town and asks the mayor what problems do they have. the mayor replies that they have two problems. The first one is that they have a hospital but they don't have a doctor.

The politician takes out his mobile phone, makes a call and discusses for a while on the phone, to finally tell the mayor:

"Your problem is already solved. Tomorrow morning a doctor will come to your town. What is the second problem?"

"We don't have mobile coverage in this area - replies the mayor.

[Jimbuna]

“Sorry I don’t know if its a boy or a girl yet, we’ll have to wait until the baby grows older and decides for itself!” Said no doctor ever.

[mapuc]

An elderly woman went to see her doctor.

- Doctor I have a problem I keep on farting, but you can't hear them and they don't smell, in fact while I have said these words I have farted two times, the woman said to the doctor.

- Here is an prescription for some pills you need to take morning and evening for 14 days and return when there are no more pills, the doctor said to the elderly woman

14 days later the elderly woman was again sitting in the same chair.

- Doctor doctor, what was it in those pills, now my farts smells terrible, the woman said

- Splendid, the problem with your nose have been cured, now we have to deal with your hearing problems...


Markus

[Jimbuna]

Saw two fat people talking earlier today. It was a HEAVY discussion!

[Jimbuna]

A policeman arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

[Jimbuna]

Chocolate comes from cocoa, which comes from a tree, which is a plant. Therefore chocolate is a type of salad. The End.

[Jimbuna]

Have you ever woken up, kissed the person next to you and thanked God that you’re still alive?? I did that this morning. I’m now banned from flying withy British Airways.