The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

I've started killing pigeons with a baseball hat.

That's another feather in my cap.

[Jimbuna]

A couple of weeks after embarrassing the Royal family with his Vegas pictures, Prince Harry has been deployed to Afghanistan.

Nice one Philip, that'll look a bit less suspicious than another car crash.

[BossMark]

A first-grade class is having a game of Name That Animal.
The teacher held up a picture of a cat.
"What animal is this?" she asked.
"A cat!" said Eddie.
"Good job! Now, what is this animal?"
"A dog!" said Eddie.
"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a
Deer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said,
"It's what your mum calls your dad."
"A horny bastard," called out Eddie.

[Jimbuna]

My boss called me into his office and said, "You haven't done much work today have you? and I know for a fact you've been asleep."

"I can assure you I haven't" I replied. "What makes you think that?"

Because I can see the keyboard imprint on your forehead."

[BossMark]

A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret Store to purchase a negligee for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from £250 to £500 in price — the more sheer, the higher the price.
Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the £500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she’s no dummy), ‘I have an idea, it’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing.
I won’t put it on, but I’ll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the £500 refunded for myself.
‘ She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose and another, then another…..
The husband says, ‘Good Grief! “You’d think for £500, they’d at least iron it!’
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon.

[BossMark]

Q: You’re trapped in a room with a Lion, Cobra snake and an ManU Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: Shoot the ManU Fan. Twice.

[BossMark]

n American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train looking for an empty seat.
The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.The war-weary soldier asked, “Please, ma’am, may I sit in that seat?”The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, “You Americans! You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?”
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest but, after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.Again he asked, “Please, lady, may I sit there? I’m very tired.”The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, “You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!”The soldier didn’t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up. “You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing: you eat holding the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your ‘auto mobiles’ on the wrong side of the road and now, sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”

[Jimbuna]

11 years ago today an amazing thing happened in my life it shocked me and I have never witnessed an event like that before

I dropped my toast and it landed butter side up

[Jimbuna]

Edward Deidde, the man who spent his entire life explaining that his surname was "deed" has collapsed.

He was airlifted to hospital where he was pronounced dead

[BossMark]

Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

[BossMark]

Little Johnny’s neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib he said, “What a beautiful baby.”
The mother said, “Why, thank you, Little Johnny.
Johnny said, “He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?”
“Yes”, the mother replied, “we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.”
“That’s great”, said Little Johnny,”coz he’d be buggered if he needed glasses”.

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a man stood in Leeds town centre with a sheep underneath each arm?

A pimp.

[BossMark]

Leaflet through my door this morning:
“ARE YOU AN ALCOHOLIC?
CALL NOW!
WE CAN HELP.
“I called….It was a Liquor Shop offer: “Buy 5 & get 2 free”!

[BossMark]

I came home from work last night and told my wife that I’ve been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary.
“Well, you’d better hire someone who’s a bit old, fat and ugly,” she said, “I don’t want you choosing someone who you’re going to be tempted to have sex with.”
“That’s fair enough,” I replied, “When can you start?”

[BossMark]

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie . He decides to test it out on his son at supper. “Where were you last night?” “I was at the library.” The robot slaps the son. “OK I was at a friend’s house,” the son admits. “Doing what?” asked the father. “Watching a movie: Toy Story.” The robot slaps the son. “OK it was porn!” cried the son. Father yells “What? When I was your age I didn’t know what porn was!” The robot slaps the father. The mother laughs and says, “He certainly is your son!” The robot slaps the mother.