The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

We missed a trick not entering Abu Hamza in the boxing

He's got a deadly right hook.

[Jimbuna]

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night***8232;when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.
I can tell you, that fly never knew what hit it...

[BossMark]

A man walks into a pub and orders 4 pints of lager. Drinks them straight down and says to the barman "You'll have to excuse me but you'd do the same if you had what I have!".
The barman says "What's that then?"
and the man says "50p".

[Jimbuna]

I called over the air stewardess and said, "Sorry to trouble you, but I'm trying to relax and this young kid behind me keeps screaming and hitting me on the back."

"I'm not surprised," she replied, "That's his seat and you're squashing him."

[BossMark]

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and didn't answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"

[Jimbuna]

My son failed his medical exams, so to make a point, I parked the car outside a medical practice.

"This should have been you," I said.

"I wouldn't work in an abortion clinic anyway," he replied.

I don't think he got the point.

[Jimbuna]

I phoned the local radio station today. The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize."

"That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight.

"Feel confident?" he asked. "It's a maths question."

"Well, I've got a degree in maths and teach it at my local school," I proudly replied.

"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row seats to a Justin Bieber concert and to meet him back stage what is 2+2?"

"7" I replied.

[BossMark]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[Jimbuna]

Liam Gallagher, Russell brand, George Michael, Kate Moss, Naomi Campbell..

Christ, it's a good job they don't do drug tests for the closing ceremony. Liam Gallagher, Russell brand, George Michael, Kate Moss, Naomi Campbell..

Christ, it's a good job they don't do drug tests for the closing ceremony.

[BossMark]

A young newly-wed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"

"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.

"What happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store any more either."

[Jimbuna]

"Ashes to ashes," said the vicar. "Dust to..." but he was interrupted by the sound of a mobile phone ringing.

He stopped the funeral service as all the mourners slowly turned to look at me.

"I'm so sorry. Do you mind if I answer it?"

"Er, I suppose not," replied the vicar.

"Great. It must have fallen in the coffin when I put the body in," I said, jumping in the hole with my screwdriver.

[BossMark]

Paddy O'Murphy goes to a carpenter. "Can you build me a box that's two inches deep, two inches wide and 50 feet long?"

"Well," says the carpenter, "it could be done, I suppose, but what would you be wanting with a box like that?"

"Well" said the Irishman, "my neighbour moved away and forgot to take a few things with him -- and he asked me to send him his garden hose."

[Jimbuna]

A horse walks into a bar. The barman says, "Why the long face?"

The horse replies, "I came first in the Olympics and they gave the medal to the eedjit on my back."

[BossMark]

During Marine Basic Training Camp a Captain received information that the mother of one of the recruits had passed away. The Captain calls Sergeant Black into his office and tells him, "When you line up the troops this morning you need to inform Private Jones that his mother died."

"Yes Sir!" says Black. That morning as the men were lined up Black bellows out, "Hup, hey, ho, ho. Jones your mother died." Jones falls over with a heart attack.

A month later the Captain calls Black into his office and says, "Black, you need to tell Private Smith his mother died. But this time use some tact. I don't want to lose another good recruit.

"Yes Sir!" Black answers.

This time when the men are lined up Black yells out, "Okay. All you men with living mothers take one step forward - NOT SO FAST, SMITH!"

[Jimbuna]

"Hello, is that the police? I'd like to report a missing child!"

"Okay, sir. When did you see him last?"

"When I was on the landing counting to ten!"