The joke thread - Page 143

Jimbuna · 07-27-12, 10:30 AM

David Cameron has said that the Olympics will be a great way to show the world how welcoming the United Kingdom is.

I think they already know David!!

BossMark · 07-28-12, 02:09 PM

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head."

Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb a--hole', is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."

Jimbuna · 07-28-12, 02:21 PM

Having watched the London 2012 Opening Ceremony, I must say...

I've seen better Bond girls.

Herr-Berbunch · 07-28-12, 04:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jimbuna

Having watched the London 2012 Opening Ceremony, I must say...

I've seen better Bond girls.

May I just point out that that particular Bond girl was one you posted in the beautiful women thread.

Jimbuna · 07-28-12, 05:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Herr-Berbunch

May I just point out that that particular Bond girl was one you posted in the beautiful women thread.

Of course you may

Jimbuna · 07-29-12, 10:13 AM

I hear the head of the Somali Olympic squad has apologized to officials on behalf of their team, after realizing shooting and sailing were two separate events.

BossMark · 07-29-12, 10:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jimbuna

I hear the head of the Somali Olympic squad has apologized to officials on behalf of their team, after realizing shooting and sailing were two separate events.

As I have to work with a couple of Somalis

BossMark · 07-29-12, 11:29 AM

A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million pounds." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million pounds. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."

Jimbuna · 07-29-12, 01:23 PM

"I demand to see the Manager!" I shouted as I entered my local bank.
He came scuttling over.
"What seems to be the problem, Dave?" He stammered.
"It's been bloody weeks now and I haven't been able to access any of MY bloody money! Enough is enough!"
"What can I do?" he asked.
"I'd like you to stop putting my wages in the joint account, please."

BossMark · 07-31-12, 08:12 AM

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker, Morris is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring." Morris replies sheepishly.
"So, really? How long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

BossMark · 08-01-12, 03:51 AM

Just got my tickets to the Olympic women's beach volleyball final!
Unfortunately, its Iran versus Saudi Arabia.

Jimbuna · 08-01-12, 05:01 AM

I've been sat here for ages watching and waiting for a 1st place but all we keep getting is bloody 2nd, 3rd and 4th...

I hate being an Arsenal fan

Ianthe · 08-01-12, 09:52 PM

Husband to Wife.....Sweetheart:
I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart. Your husband .........

.............After some days his wife replied:
Dearest sweetheart, Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expense details:
1. The Milkman agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other items...........
5. Other expenses 40 kisses

Please don't worry about me; I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using them. Love You!
get started with the new game pirate 101 in the various maps.

BossMark · 08-02-12, 05:48 AM

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"

"11" he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."

"What two days of the weekstart with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.

"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

U570 · 08-02-12, 06:14 AM

which goes further if you throw it off a cliff; Bagpipes, or an Accordion?

Who cares

07-27-12, 10:30 AM	#2131
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,106 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	David Cameron has said that the Olympics will be a great way to show the world how welcoming the United Kingdom is. I think they already know David!! __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

07-28-12, 02:09 PM	#2132
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head." Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb a--hole', is it?" Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

07-28-12, 02:21 PM	#2133
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,106 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Having watched the London 2012 Opening Ceremony, I must say... I've seen better Bond girls. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

07-29-12, 10:13 AM	#2136
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,106 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I hear the head of the Somali Olympic squad has apologized to officials on behalf of their team, after realizing shooting and sailing were two separate events. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

07-29-12, 11:29 AM	#2138
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million pounds." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million pounds. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

07-29-12, 01:23 PM	#2139
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,106 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	"I demand to see the Manager!" I shouted as I entered my local bank. He came scuttling over. "What seems to be the problem, Dave?" He stammered. "It's been bloody weeks now and I haven't been able to access any of MY bloody money! Enough is enough!" "What can I do?" he asked. "I'd like you to stop putting my wages in the joint account, please." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

07-31-12, 08:12 AM	#2140
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker, Morris is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings." "Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring." Morris replies sheepishly. "So, really? How long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in our bed." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-01-12, 03:51 AM	#2141
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Just got my tickets to the Olympic women's beach volleyball final! Unfortunately, its Iran versus Saudi Arabia. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-01-12, 05:01 AM	#2142
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,106 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I've been sat here for ages watching and waiting for a 1st place but all we keep getting is bloody 2nd, 3rd and 4th... I hate being an Arsenal fan __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

08-01-12, 09:52 PM	#2143
Ianthe Nub Join Date: Oct 2011 Posts: 3 Downloads: 0 Uploads: 0	Husband to Wife.....Sweetheart: I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart. Your husband ......... .............After some days his wife replied: Dearest sweetheart, Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expense details: 1. The Milkman agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk. 2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses. 3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses instead of the rent. 4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other items........... 5. Other expenses 40 kisses Please don't worry about me; I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using them. Love You! get started with the new game pirate 101 in the various maps. Last edited by Ianthe; 08-07-12 at 03:29 AM.

08-02-12, 05:48 AM	#2144
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?" "11" he replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right." "What two days of the weekstart with the letter 'T'?" "Today and tomorrow." He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!" __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-02-12, 06:14 AM	#2145
U570 Grey Wolf Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Planet Earth Posts: 867 Downloads: 89 Uploads: 0	which goes further if you throw it off a cliff; Bagpipes, or an Accordion? Who cares __________________ "Submariners are a bunch of intelligent misfits that somehow seem to get along, understand each other and work well together"- Anon