The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

Next week,London will be host to 204 nations. Ironically, 17 less than it is now

[Jimbuna]

My boss texted me, "Send me one of your funny jokes Pete."

I replied, "I'm working at the moment, I will send you one later."

He replied, "That was fantastic, send me another one."

[BossMark]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?'

'I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm. '

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have never heard of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'

The woman nodded, 'Pepper.'

[BossMark]

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence: Get well soon....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.

[Jimbuna]

The joke of armed police for the London Olympics.....and unarmed police for the Paralympics has been used more times than Katie prices pregnancy test.

[BossMark]

A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.

After a swig of beer the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima.'

Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway.

'Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.'

The sailor responds, 'Point taken.'

The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!'

The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones.'

The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says...... 'The Navy invented sex!'

The Marine replies, 'That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women.'

[Sailor Steve]

Good one! (and this from an old sailor)

The last lines of the US Marines' hymn is fun: "If the Army and the Navy ever look on heaven's scenes, they will find the streets are guarded by United States Marines!"

[Jimbuna]

I'd just left the pub after having a few too many and I guess I was weaving a bit. I came really close to a cop on the side of the road who was already writing someone a ticket.

"PULL OVER!" He shouted pointing at me.


"Nope, it's just an old cardigan but thanks for noticing!" I replied as I drove off.

[BossMark]

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

[Jimbuna]

I tried to log on to my computer this morning but it wouldn't let me in.

I shouted to my wife, "Babe, have you changed the password on the PC?"

"Yes honey."

"What is it?"

"It's the date of our anniversary."

Bitch.

[BossMark]

A guy goes fishing every Saturday morning. He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes, all day long.

Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes.

As he is coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, he returns to the garage.

He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers,"The weather out there is terrible."

To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?"

[Jimbuna]

I took my dog to the vets and asked the vet to remove his tail.

"Why?" he asked "The dogs tail is perfectly healthy."

I said, "My mother in law is visiting this weekend and I want to make sure there are absolutely no signs of her feeling welcomed. "

[BossMark]

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do", the home owner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the home-owner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the home-owner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"

[Herr-Berbunch]

If you're ever Googling 'Gary Oldman' - don't forget the 'r'.

[Jimbuna]

While on holiday in Egypt with my entire family, I managed to get a good deal on some camels.

With a bit of bartering, I got two gran's worth.