The joke thread

[Sailor Steve]

That reminds me of a cartoon I saw many years ago. A drunk is in a phone booth, calling either his wife or a cab. When asked where he is he looks up and says "I'm at the corner of Telephone and Telephone."

[BossMark]

A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting read to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought to himself, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing.

He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.

"Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."

"Dancing? I'm not dancing!" the armless man replied bitterly... "My ******* itches, and I can't scratch it!"

[Jimbuna]

I seen a blonde women carrying a large sack through town today. Overcome with curiosity, I asked the blonde what was in the sack.

"Kittens." She said.

"I've always wanted a kitten, if I can guess how many are in the bag will you give me one of them?" I asked excitedly.

"If you can guess how many kittens are in this sack, I'll give you both of them." The blonde replied.

[Sailor Steve]

Originally Posted by jimbuna

I seen a blonde women carrying a large sack through town today. Overcome with curiosity, I asked the blonde what was in the sack.

"Kittens." She said.

"I've always wanted a kitten, if I can guess how many are in the bag will you give me one of them?" I asked excitedly.

"If you can guess how many kittens are in this sack, I'll give you both of them." The blonde replied.

And Jim replied "Five"?

[Jimbuna]

Originally Posted by Sailor Steve

And Jim replied "Five"?

Quisling

[SubConscious]

One day at the end of class, little Billy's teacher had the class go home and think of a story that has a moral to it. The following day the teacher asks the class to tell their stories.

Little Suzie raises her hand and says "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive to town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump in the road and many of the eggs broke."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story and Suzie replies "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

Next is little Lucy. She says "My family owns a farm, too. Last month we put a dozen chicken eggs into an incubator, but only four of the dozen hatched."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story and Lucy replies "Don’t count your chickens before they're hatched."

Next is little Billy, who says "My dad fought in the Vietnam war. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He parachuted out of the plane with a case of beer, a machine gun, and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 of them with the machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more before the blade on the machete broke, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands."

The teacher looked at little Billy in horror and stammered "What could possibly be the moral to this story!?!"

Little Billy replied "Don't *$#% with dad when he's been drinking."

[Jimbuna]

I was laid out in a hospital bed today when a nurse walked in.

"Hello!" she said, "How are you feeling?"

"Oh, just very tired," I replied.

"No wonder," she smiled, looking at her report. "You've suffered a serious heart attack Mr Green."

"I'm afraid Mr Green died 10 minutes ago," I replied. "I'm just here visiting my gran,"

[BossMark]

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

[Jimbuna]

A salesman knocked on my door today.

I opened it and said, "You'll have to be quick mate, I'm running around like a nutter in here."

"Who is your current energy supplier?" he asked.

I said, "Red Bull."

[SubConscious]

An elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died.

He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs, and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies. With waning strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.

As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie--his favorite kind--his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.

"Why?" he whispered. "Why did you do that?"

"They're for the funeral."

[Jimbuna]

^

[SubConscious]

The sweet little old lady was at the funeral directors, arranging the details of her late husband's ceremony.
She looked inconsolable as her husband lay there in his brown suit in the casket, but she kept a brave face so as to get all the details and arrangements as perfect as possible.

As she talked to the funeral director, she hesitated then told him that although her husband had only been able to afford the one suit - the brown one he was still wearing - he had been a stickler for correctness and she knew he wouldn't feel right unless he was buried in a proper black suit.

The funeral director was touched by her plight, and said he would see what he could do to help.

The day of the service arrived, and it was an open coffin, and there was her husband in a fine black suit. She was quietly pleased that her difficulty had been resolved, and after the ceremony was over she approached the funeral director to thank him.

"Oh, it was no trouble." he said. "You see, there was another gentleman being buried in a closed coffin, and that gentleman had a black suit..."

She paled at this. "You.. you didn't take his suit off and put it on my husband, did you?", she said, "I...I don't think he would have thought that proper at all."

"Bless me no!", said the kindly funeral director, touching her hand. "Oh, don't worry, there was no need for that. No, you see, we just swapped the heads".

[SubConscious]

Two men are drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when one turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered if you jump from the top of this building by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

2nd Man: "What are you, a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen".

1st Man:" No, it's true let me prove it to you" So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and careens to the street below, when he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window. And he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke".

The 1st Man says: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps hurtling toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

2nd Man: "Well, what the hell, it works. I'll try it" So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th.....floors...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

Back upstairs, the Bartender turns to the remaining drinker and says "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."

[Jimbuna]

I drove into Paddy's garage and asked.

''How much is a new car tyre ?''

''Ten pound'' He said.

''That's cheap, i''ll take it.'' I said. ''Can you put it on my credit card?''

'' No problem sir.'' He said. ''Most people ask me to put it on the wheel.''

[BossMark]

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"