The joke thread - Page 139

Jimbuna · 07-09-12, 07:37 AM

My girlfriend said she hates how I've jumped on the Wimbledon bandwagon.

"Shut up!" I replied, "they're about to tee off."

BossMark · 07-09-12, 08:32 AM

'What's wrong with Murphy?' asked Father Green. 'I don't know, Father.
Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn't stirred since,' said Mrs Murphy.

BossMark · 07-09-12, 08:34 AM

A well known dealer in stolen goods was killed today.
A police spokesman said he fell off the back of a lorry.

Jimbuna · 07-09-12, 04:45 PM

I was about to pull out of a parking space when I asked my wife, "Are there any cars approaching?"

"No," she said, looking out of the passenger window.

As I manoeuvred onto the road she added, "Just a lorry."

BossMark · 07-10-12, 12:07 PM

Two young Tories meet at the Bullingdon club one day. The first Tory calls out
to the other, "Hey Nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class at Eton the other day when this
pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her
clothes, and says 'You can have anything you want!!'"
"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Jimbuna · 07-10-12, 12:44 PM

My girlfriend texted me earlier, "Why don't you ever put an x at the end of your texts?"

I replied, "Sorry babe. Michelle."

JU_88 · 07-10-12, 03:41 PM

Two chavs are fighting on a bridge, in the struggle they go over the railings and fall to their deaths,
Who wins?

Society.

Jimbuna · 07-10-12, 03:46 PM

My friend Dave the mime got through to the Semi-Finals on Britains got talent! He was speech-less!

BossMark · 07-12-12, 01:16 PM

A little old lady told a friend of mine the other day when they were standing in line together that all she had ever wanted to have in life was four animals. My friend who has a large dog and a big heart for strays said, "oh really, what kind of animals did you want?'

The little old lady said "A mink on my back, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in my bed, and a jackass to pay for all of it

Jimbuna · 07-13-12, 06:36 AM

After my wife died I found myself quickly turning to drink.

The officer who gave me the news asked, "Do you really think this is an appropriate time to be opening a bottle of champagne?"

Catfish · 07-13-12, 06:49 AM

I asked my girlfriend whether i could have the newspaper.
She said "Don't be so old-school, take my iPad".
That spider never knew what hit him.

wellsronald18 · 07-13-12, 08:53 AM

That’s too funny. LOL………..

Jimbuna · 07-13-12, 01:03 PM

Sky Sports would like to apologise to all subscribers for wrongly advertising they could watch Rangers in 3D. They meant Rangers in D3.

BossMark · 07-14-12, 02:28 AM

Paddy and Seamus were walking home from the pub. Paddy says to Seamus, 'What a beautiful night, look at the moon.'
Seamus stops and looks at Paddy, 'You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun.' Both started arguing for a while when they come upon a real drunk walking in the other direction, so they stopped him.
'Sir, could you please help settle our argument?
Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?' The drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them, and said,
'Sorry, I don't live around here.

Catfish · 07-14-12, 04:13 AM

^ I thought the point was already in the first sentence ?

"Paddy and Seamus were walking home from the pub."

07-09-12, 07:37 AM	#2071
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 184,161 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My girlfriend said she hates how I've jumped on the Wimbledon bandwagon. "Shut up!" I replied, "they're about to tee off." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-09-12, 08:32 AM	#2072
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	'What's wrong with Murphy?' asked Father Green. 'I don't know, Father. Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn't stirred since,' said Mrs Murphy. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

07-09-12, 08:34 AM	#2073
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A well known dealer in stolen goods was killed today. A police spokesman said he fell off the back of a lorry. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

07-09-12, 04:45 PM	#2074
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 184,161 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I was about to pull out of a parking space when I asked my wife, "Are there any cars approaching?" "No," she said, looking out of the passenger window. As I manoeuvred onto the road she added, "Just a lorry." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-10-12, 12:07 PM	#2075
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Two young Tories meet at the Bullingdon club one day. The first Tory calls out to the other, "Hey Nice bike! Where did you get it?" "Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class at Eton the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have anything you want!!'" "Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

07-10-12, 12:44 PM	#2076
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 184,161 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My girlfriend texted me earlier, "Why don't you ever put an x at the end of your texts?" I replied, "Sorry babe. Michelle." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-10-12, 03:41 PM	#2077
JU_88 Silent Hunter Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: UK Posts: 3,750 Downloads: 11 Uploads: 0	Two chavs are fighting on a bridge, in the struggle they go over the railings and fall to their deaths, Who wins? Society.

07-10-12, 03:46 PM	#2078
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 184,161 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My friend Dave the mime got through to the Semi-Finals on Britains got talent! He was speech-less! __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-12-12, 01:16 PM	#2079
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A little old lady told a friend of mine the other day when they were standing in line together that all she had ever wanted to have in life was four animals. My friend who has a large dog and a big heart for strays said, "oh really, what kind of animals did you want?' The little old lady said "A mink on my back, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in my bed, and a jackass to pay for all of it __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

07-13-12, 06:36 AM	#2080
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 184,161 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	After my wife died I found myself quickly turning to drink. The officer who gave me the news asked, "Do you really think this is an appropriate time to be opening a bottle of champagne?" __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-13-12, 06:49 AM	#2081
Catfish Dipped Squirrel Operative Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: ..where the ocean meets the sky Posts: 16,947 Downloads: 38 Uploads: 0	I asked my girlfriend whether i could have the newspaper. She said "Don't be so old-school, take my iPad". That spider never knew what hit him.

07-13-12, 08:53 AM	#2082
wellsronald18 Swabbie Join Date: Jul 2012 Posts: 6 Downloads: 0 Uploads: 0	That’s too funny. LOL………..

07-13-12, 01:03 PM	#2083
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 184,161 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Sky Sports would like to apologise to all subscribers for wrongly advertising they could watch Rangers in 3D. They meant Rangers in D3. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-14-12, 02:28 AM	#2084
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Paddy and Seamus were walking home from the pub. Paddy says to Seamus, 'What a beautiful night, look at the moon.' Seamus stops and looks at Paddy, 'You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun.' Both started arguing for a while when they come upon a real drunk walking in the other direction, so they stopped him. 'Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?' The drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them, and said, 'Sorry, I don't live around here. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

07-14-12, 04:13 AM	#2085
Catfish Dipped Squirrel Operative Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: ..where the ocean meets the sky Posts: 16,947 Downloads: 38 Uploads: 0	^ I thought the point was already in the first sentence ? "Paddy and Seamus were walking home from the pub."