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06-12-12, 06:50 AM | #1981 |
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Only Wayne Rooney could be thick enough to choose Bobby Charlton as the doner for his hair transplant.
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06-12-12, 09:55 AM | #1982 |
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I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
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Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now |
06-12-12, 04:49 PM | #1983 |
Chief of the Boat
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I had a minute's silence following my wife's death.
Then, unfortunately, the paramedics brought her back to life.
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06-13-12, 02:19 AM | #1984 |
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'There's a terrible smell in this café,' said O'Hara.
'Maybe it's the drains.' 'It can't be the drains,' retorted O'Hara, 'we haven't got any.'
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Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now |
06-13-12, 11:32 AM | #1985 |
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I've been slowly torturing a centipede for the past 98 days.
It's on its last legs now.
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06-13-12, 11:42 AM | #1986 |
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A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?" Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands." The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong. "Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?" Being a nurse of long standing, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pyjamas trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a good look, pulled up the pyjamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing is wrong with them!!!" At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???
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Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now |
06-13-12, 12:22 PM | #1987 |
Chief of the Boat
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I just read a survey saying that most people die in the early hours of the morning.
Thank God I'm safe in bed by then.
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06-13-12, 03:09 PM | #1988 |
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Kieran O'Connor always slept with his gun under his pillow. Hearing a noise at the foot of the bed, he shot off his big toe.
'Thank the Lord I wasn't sleeping at the other end of the bed,' Kieran said to his friends in Donegal's pub. 'I would have blown my head off.'
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Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now |
06-13-12, 03:25 PM | #1989 |
Chief of the Boat
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I used to be in a rock band called 'Obese' once.
We were heavy.
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06-14-12, 03:08 PM | #1990 |
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Reilly is walking through a graveyard when he comes across a headstone with the inscription "Here lies a politician and an honest man."
'Faith now,' exclaims Reilly, 'I wonder how they got the two of them in one grave.
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Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now |
06-14-12, 05:01 PM | #1991 |
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Lance Armstrong has denied ever using drugs, but he has admitted pedalling.
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06-16-12, 03:35 AM | #1992 |
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A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.
The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?". The woman says "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put £5 in the box and go and sin no more." A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Priest: "What did you do?" Man: "I committed adultery." Priest:"How many times?" Man: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's put £5 in the box and go and sin no more." The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery." Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman: "Once." Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for £5."
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Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now |
06-16-12, 06:32 AM | #1993 |
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My ten year old daughter asked me what it was that made me want to marry her mum.
I said, "Come back when you're eighteen." She giggled and asked, "Why, is it rude?" "No, but I might have figured it out by then," I replied.
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06-16-12, 02:45 PM | #1994 |
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My wife asked me the other day
"How can I get rid of twelve pounds of really ugly fat?" "Chop your head off" I replied. The divorce hearing is next week.
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Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now |
06-16-12, 04:33 PM | #1995 |
Chief of the Boat
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How will everyone remember Bill Clinton in history?
The President after Bush
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