The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

Receptionist rushes into Doctors Consulting Room, "Doctor, that last patient you saw that you gave a clean bill of health to, has just collapsed and died on his way out of Reception, what shall i do??"

Doctor replies, "turn him around, they'll think he was coming in...."

[BossMark]

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check.

The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with,

"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."

[Jimbuna]

I bought my Obsessive/Compulsive mate a picture of the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

He's going nuts trying to hang it straight.

[BossMark]

Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers.

The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.
The women says, "Sure, if you have sex with me."
The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then have sex with you."
The second man wants to live and agrees to do the deed. He and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. The women says, "Well, let's do it!"
The man agrees to start but only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, uses it on her and throws it out the window. The women opens her eyes and asks for it again.

The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the man and his friend some water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water.

The friend replies, "The hell with the water, I want some more of that buttered corn."

[BossMark]

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian's. One of the dogs was looking glum, and the second dog turned to him and asked, ''What are you in for''?

''I'm in big trouble,'' he said. ''My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats—he took me for a ride and I was so excited I peed on the seat, and now he's having put to sleep.''

''I know how you feel,'' said the second dog. ''My owner has a beautiful expensive oriental rug.The other day they were late getting home from work and I just couldn't help myself...I crapped all over their nice carpet and ruined it.They're having me put to sleep too.''

Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room. ''So what are you in here for?'' they asked.

''Well,'' the third dog said, ''my owner likes to do her housework in the nude.The other day, she was vacuuming and she knelt down to vacuum under the sofa and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and had the ride of my life.''

The other dogs nodded in sympathy, ''So she's having you put to sleep, too, Huh?''

''No,'' said the other dog, ''I'm having my nails clipped.''

[Sailor Steve]

Both of those are really pushing the limits of bad taste. There are children who read these forums.

[Jimbuna]

I showed my wife a picture of that 63 stone teenager this morning.

"Why are you showing me that?" she asked.

"I just wanted to make the point that you could end up like this."

"Do you really think so?" she said.

"Definitely. If you lose a little bit of weight."

[Jimbuna]

I'm voting Greece to win the Eurovision song contest.
Not because I think they are good,
I just want to see their Prime Minister's face when they realise how much the arena costs for next year.

[Kongo Otto]

Originally Posted by jimbuna

I'm voting Greece to win the Eurovision song contest.
Not because I think they are good,
I just want to see their Prime Minister's face when they realise how much the arena costs for next year.

[BossMark]

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.

"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.

"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.

And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

"Go and get help!" he cried.

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her privates, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

[Jimbuna]

I was charged with Bigamy and I said to my solicitor, "I'm worried about the death penalty."

"Impossible," he said, "It can't happen."

"You haven't met my wives." I replied.

[BossMark]

One day two blondes each bought a pig. The problem they were having was telling the two pigs apart.

So, the first blonde had an idea: She said, "I'll cut my pig's tail off, then we will know the difference." So she cut her pig's tail off.

That night the pigs got in a fight and one pig bit the other pig's tail off. The next morning the blonde had a solution, she said,"I'll just cut my pig's right back leg off." So, she did.

That night same thing; the pigs got in a fight and one pig bit the other pig's right back leg off. The next morning the blondes were real upset and finally decided to cut the back left leg from the pig, so she did.

That night the pigs got in a fight and one pig bit the other pig's back left leg off. The next morning the blondes were really upset and didn't know how they were going to tell their pigs apart. So, one of them stated, "I will cut my pig's right front leg off. Then we can tell our pigs apart." So, she did.

That night the pigs got in a fight and one pig bit the other pig's right front leg off. The blondes were really upset and decided the only logical explanation would be to cut the remaining leg off one pig. So, they did.

That night the pigs got in a fight and one pig bit the other pig's only leg off. The next morning when the blondes awoke they were devastated. Finally, the other blonde spoke up and said, "How about you take the white one and I'll take the black one."

[Jimbuna]

Sad to hear about that pastor who died from a snake bite. Apparently it always used to be well behaved - goes to show you can't always trust a civil serpent.

[BossMark]

A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The drunk replies, "Boobs."

[Jimbuna]

I was helping out at the centre for deaf kids. I signed to one young boy, "If you had one wish, what would it be?"

He signed back, "I wish I could tell when my mum's coming up the stairs."