The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

Does anyone remember the Swatch, a watch made in Switzerland? Thank god Croatia didn't come up with the idea first. Just imagine if someone were to ask you what time is it? "Oh pardon me while I look at my crotch."

[Eisenwurst]

[Jimbuna]

Pappu:My internet is not working properly..o
Officer:Ok, Double click on “My computer”
Pappu:I can’t see ur computer..
Officer:No no.. click on “My computer” on ur computer..
Pappu:How can I click on ur computer from my computer?..
Officer:listen.. There is an icon labelled “My Computer” on ur computer.. Ok. double click on it..
Pappu:what the hell, what is your computer doing on my computer..???
Officerouble click on ur computer..
Pappu:On which Icon i’ve to click..
Officer:“My Computer”..
Pappu:…Oh u Idiot…… Tell me where is ur office…I’ll come there and click on ur “Computer.

[Jimbuna]

On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student, "What are your parents' names?"
The student replied, "My father's name is Laughing and my mother's name is Smiling."
The teacher said, "Are you kidding?"
The student said, "No, Kidding is my brother. I am Joking."

[Jimbuna]

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

[Jimbuna]

A man who is just married is flying to the Florida Keys for a business trip. His new bride is to accompany him the next day. When he gets there, he e-mails his wife to let her know he made it there safely. When he sends the e-mail, he mistypes the address.
In Boston, a grieving widow, whose husband has recently passed away, receives the e-mail. She reads it, screams, and faints.
Hearing her grandmother’s cry, the widow's 18 year old granddaughter runs into the living room to see the computer on, with a message that reads, "Dear love, I just got here. Preparing for your arrival tomorrow. Can't wait to see you. Love, Me. P.S. Sure is hot down here."

[Jimbuna]

A man is telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me £5000, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really?" answers the neighbour. "What kind is it?"
"12:30."

[Jimbuna]

A drunk staggers out of a bar and lets go of a loud belch just as a couple are walking in the door.
The man yells at the drunk, "How dare you belch before this woman!"
The drunk says, "I'm sorry! I didn't know she wanted to go first."

[Jimbuna]

A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender turns to him and says, "Sorry, sir, we don't serve strings here."
The next day, clinging to a thread, the string returns to that same bar and orders a drink again. The bartender, resolute, again turns and says, "I'm sorry, sir, but like I said, we don't serve strings here. I'm going to have to ask you not to return."
Dejected, the string returns home. All night he tosses and turns, wriggles and writhes, and awakes the next morning not at all resembling himself. Catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror, he brightens and jets out his door to that bar. Swaggering in, he orders a drink one more time.
The bartender stares at him, squinty eyed, and asks, "I'm sorry, are you a string? You look very familiar."
The string locks eyes with the bartender, and states, "No, sir. I'm a frayed knot."

[Jimbuna]

A tomato dad, mother, and son are walking in a street. The tomato son falls behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on him, and yells, "Ketchup!"

[mikesn9]

A tomato dad, mother, and son are walking in a street. The tomato son falls behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on him, and yells, "Ketchup!"

BOO! HISSSSSS!

chuckle.

[Peter Cremer]

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

A tomato dad, mother, and son are walking in a street. The tomato son falls behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on him, and yells, "Ketchup!"

Uma Thurmans line in the movie 'Pulp Fiction'. She told it to John Travolta.

[Jimbuna]

Bernie and Jane are an elderly couple who have decided to get married late in life. While they have not yet been intimate, Bernie thinks it would be a good idea to know how Jane feels about this. He asks her about her desires regarding frequency of sexual intimacy. Jane replies that she likes sex infrequently. Bernie, being ever the optimist says, "Is that one word or two?"

[Jimbuna]

A tourist from Romania visits New York City. He wanders around sightseeing and gets lost. He asks one of the locals for directions to get back to his hotel. The local notices the tourist's foreign accent and asks, "Are you by any chance Russian?" The Romanian replies, "No, I'm not really in a hurry."

[Jimbuna]

Just heard on the radio that the average swallow flys about 73’000 miles a year across 17 countries without a satnav. Big deal, I travel without a satnav all the time. I think it’s more impressive that they don’t need a passport.