The joke thread II - Page 128

Col7777 · 06-05-20, 02:07 AM

I entered a "Best Beard" competition today but I only came second.

I really shouldn't have allowed my wife to enter as well.

Catfish · 06-05-20, 02:14 AM

^

Jimbuna · 06-05-20, 05:47 AM

Jimbuna · 06-05-20, 05:49 AM

Had a really great night out last night according to my police report.

Platapus · 06-05-20, 05:52 AM

A good friend will bail you out of Jail at 4 in the morning

A great friend will be sitting next to you saying "Man that was so fun!"

Col7777 · 06-05-20, 06:28 AM

My wife's doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow, and I am genuinely terrified that the chute might not open.

Last time something that big hit the earth, the dinosaurs got wiped out.

Jimbuna · 06-06-20, 01:34 PM

Got tasered picking up my friend from the airport today. Apparently security don’t like it when you shout ‘hi-Jack’.

Jimbuna · 06-06-20, 01:36 PM

Why did the biology teacher split up with the physics teacher?
Because their was no chemistry

Col7777 · 06-06-20, 05:13 PM

I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a slice of bread.

The birds were all over me.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
"What do you want for Sunday lunch?" asked my wife earlier. "There's chicken, lamb or beef."

It was a tough choice.

But then everything she cooks is tough.

Platapus · 06-06-20, 08:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

Why did the biology teacher split up with the physics teacher?
Because their was no chemistry

Guess there was no proper spelling between the two of them either.

Jimbuna · 06-07-20, 05:44 AM

My wife said she was going for a beauty sleep last night. I said “Ok, see you in 3 months time”.

Jimbuna · 06-07-20, 05:45 AM

I’m not saying my dad’s the jealous type, but we were never allowed to be breast fed.

Col7777 · 06-07-20, 08:09 AM

I'm thinking of planning on being more spontaneous in the future.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was watching Jurassic park the other day, then I thought, "Not only does my daughter have a stupid name, she's cant drive either".

Texas Red · 06-07-20, 11:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Platapus

My girlfriend is claiming that I got her pregnant.

She is using a new pregnancy test and it shows that she is 98.6% pregnant.

Here is my joke:

You might be a redneck if...
You have a deer stand on your Christmas tree

Col7777 · 06-08-20, 08:36 AM

I saw a billboard on the way to work this morning that read "Future Events."

It was a sign of things to come.

06-05-20, 02:07 AM	#1906
Col7777 Grey Wolf Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Manchester UK Posts: 944 Downloads: 260 Uploads: 0	I entered a "Best Beard" competition today but I only came second. I really shouldn't have allowed my wife to enter as well. __________________ Silent and Violent

06-05-20, 02:14 AM	#1907
Catfish Dipped Squirrel Operative Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: ..where the ocean meets the sky Posts: 17,820 Downloads: 38 Uploads: 0	^ __________________ >^..^<*)))>{ All generalizations are wrong.

06-05-20, 05:47 AM	#1908
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,414 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	__________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

06-05-20, 05:49 AM	#1909
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,414 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Had a really great night out last night according to my police report. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

06-05-20, 05:52 AM	#1910
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,439 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	A good friend will bail you out of Jail at 4 in the morning A great friend will be sitting next to you saying "Man that was so fun!" __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

06-05-20, 06:28 AM	#1911
Col7777 Grey Wolf Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Manchester UK Posts: 944 Downloads: 260 Uploads: 0	My wife's doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow, and I am genuinely terrified that the chute might not open. Last time something that big hit the earth, the dinosaurs got wiped out. __________________ Silent and Violent

06-06-20, 01:34 PM	#1912
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,414 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Got tasered picking up my friend from the airport today. Apparently security don’t like it when you shout ‘hi-Jack’. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

06-06-20, 01:36 PM	#1913
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,414 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Why did the biology teacher split up with the physics teacher? Because their was no chemistry __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

06-06-20, 05:13 PM	#1914
Col7777 Grey Wolf Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Manchester UK Posts: 944 Downloads: 260 Uploads: 0	I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a slice of bread. The birds were all over me. ------------------------------------------------------------------- "What do you want for Sunday lunch?" asked my wife earlier. "There's chicken, lamb or beef." It was a tough choice. But then everything she cooks is tough. __________________ Silent and Violent

06-07-20, 05:44 AM	#1916
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,414 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My wife said she was going for a beauty sleep last night. I said “Ok, see you in 3 months time”. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

06-07-20, 05:45 AM	#1917
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,414 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I’m not saying my dad’s the jealous type, but we were never allowed to be breast fed. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

06-07-20, 08:09 AM	#1918
Col7777 Grey Wolf Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Manchester UK Posts: 944 Downloads: 260 Uploads: 0	I'm thinking of planning on being more spontaneous in the future. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I was watching Jurassic park the other day, then I thought, "Not only does my daughter have a stupid name, she's cant drive either". __________________ Silent and Violent

06-08-20, 08:36 AM	#1920
Col7777 Grey Wolf Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Manchester UK Posts: 944 Downloads: 260 Uploads: 0	I saw a billboard on the way to work this morning that read "Future Events." It was a sign of things to come. __________________ Silent and Violent