Bilge

Farmer Joke.


Agricultural Expert - "I can talk to your animals and hear what their problems are and let you know why they refuse to perform their daily functions."

Old Farmer - "That's B.S.! Nobody can talk to an animal and listen to their problems!"

Agricultural Expert - "Sure they can! Lets talk to your horse over here and I'll prove it."

Agricultural Expert - "NAAAYYY NAAAY!"

Horse - "NAAAAAYYYY NAAAAYYY!"

Agricultural Expert - "You see! The horse just told me that if you brush him more often that his coat will be more shiney."

Old Farmer - "Yeah right! Any horse would tell you that, I still don't believe you."

Agricultural Expert - "Well lets just talk to your pigs over here."

Agricultural Expert - "OINK OINK!"

Pigs - "OINK OINK OINK!"

Agricultural Expert - "You see! The pigs just told me that if you feed them more slop they'll produce more babies."

Old Farmer - "Yeah Right! Any pig would tell you that, I still don't believe you."

Agricultural Expert - "Well lets just go talk to your cows."

Agricultural Expert - "MOO MOO!"

Cows- "MOO MOO MOOOO!"

Agricultural Expert - "You see! The cows just told me that you beat them with wooden 2X4s."

Old Farmer - "Man you really can communicate with the animals!"

Agricultural Expert - "I told you so, now lets go talk with your goats."

Old Farmer - "NOW WAIT JUST A MOMENT MAN, THEM GOATS ARE SOME LYING MOTHER ****ERS THERE!!!"

:rotfl:

[Bellman]

:rotfl:

Nice 'shaggy dog' SubSerpent

:rotfl:

Just wish more folk would send more **it here......................typo thats wit. Gotta keep this 'business' going !

[Bellman]

'Start the day with a smile, and get it over with.' W.C.Fields.
(Extracts from BBC Radio 4 programme.)

Tony Hancock considered WC one of the funniest men on earth. His fans included Spike Milligan,
Les Dawson and Benny Hill.

Bob Hope - 'I believe there was a W.C.Fields stamp - when you licked it, it tasted of Bourbon !'

This irascible curmudgeon of a bygone age, was Americas 6th largest earner in 1938. Despite his crack
'Any man who hates kids and dogs, ca'nt be all bad !!' .... he left the bulk of his estate to orphanages.

His live radio sparring with dummy Charlie McCarthy (Edgar Burden) were legendary. The 'feud' led to verbal
duels of wit, with each opponent lunging with barbs which were testing departures from the script.

His film appearances included 'My little chickadee' with Mae West and his favourite role Mr McCawber.
He carried a complete set of Dickens with him on tour.

After retiring a friend discovered him fingering through a bible. 'Thats not a bible is it Bill ?'
''Yeeeees - I'm looking for loopholes !

Question:
Where would a BIG breasted woman work?

Answer: Hooters

Question:
Where would a BIG breasted woman with one leg work?

Answer: IHOP

:rotfl:

[Bellman]

:rotfl:

Anyone else going to join the party ?

[Bellman]

Police call in the Beast !!

Ohio police department have unleashed a new recruit in their fight against crime. A photograph calculated
to scare the s**t out of the gang fraternities shows this awesome creature heavily chained to a fearsome looking
German Shepherd dog.

Yep there she goes weighing in at an impressive 2 lbs in the right corner, ladies and gentlemen....
I give you Miss Chihuahua ! **

But she's got a good nose... so those drug runners had better start training for the marathon !!

Alledgedly, PD Chief Zanawitz told reporters - these dogs are great for my budget they eat ******* all,
and the beasties normaly(?) live a long time. My main problem is my guys dont like patrolin' 'em - they get hooted at.
Ca'nt kennel 'em with hungry Rottweilers. No siree.

** The worlds smallest dog ? Diminuitive Mexican Toy Dog descended from the Aztec Sacred Dog.

[Bellman]

She's a real brick ! (Morphed from the BBC.)

Marie Angelique studied hard at the College of Music and found that she had a real aptitude for playing the bricks.

She has a large repretoire and is often accompanied by her partner who plays
the dictaphone which sounds a little like a sliding whistle.

Conscious of the presentation imperative for the stage, she dresses formaly lin evening dress
and wears smart builders gloves and a hard-hat.

Apparently hers is a high risk operation for which she pays high insurance rates. She says handling the bricks
is no problem, for one so slight, but the bandages and elastoplast make tuning incredibly difficult.

[Jamie]

Originally Posted by SubSerpent

Old Farmer - "NOW WAIT JUST A MOMENT MAN, THEM GOATS ARE SOME LYING MOTHER ****ERS THERE!!!"

I always thought the punchline of this one was with respect to Sheep, no?

Goats kick.... hard!

[Kapitan]

dont think he has noticed that this thread is long dead mind you makes a good read to pass the time

Originally Posted by Jamie

I always thought the punchline of this one was with respect to Sheep, no?

Goats kick.... hard!

Actually it is suppose to be a sheep. But if you ever listen to some of Adam Sandlers Music 'The Goat Song" I'd thought I'd use a goat instead of a sheep. Here's the lyrics...

Performed by Adam Sandler, Allen Covert, Jon Rosenburg, and Mike Thompson

I am a simple goat
I live on the back of a pick-up truck
The Old Man tied me here with a 3-foot rope
Am I happy he don't give a ****
He's filled with anger, and filled with rage

And tells me I smell like piss
His drink, Jimmy Bean
His chaser, a bear
After that, various alcohols
That's when the beatings get so severe

Asleep I pray he falls
But don't feel sorry for me
Things weren't always this bad
Why, when I was a young talking goat
The Old Man was just like my dad

I come from the hills of Europe
That's where I met the Old Man
He was lost in the woods, I gave him directions
He gave me a tuna can

Then he stopped in his tracks
And he said, "Hey Goat!
Would you like to live with me?
I've got a house with a pick-up truck
In a place across the sea"
I said, "Sure, why not, I've got no family
You seem like a nice guy"

So we went off to America
The home of the apple pie
On the boat, the Old Man told me
I would be a present for his wife
"A talking goat!" he exclaimed,
"She'd never seen this in her life"
I felt so special!

Well, I just couldn't believe it
After all theses years I finally had a friend
He trimmed my beard
He scraped my hooves
I prayed it would never end

But when we got to his house
There was no wife
Only a short, short letter
It said: "I'm leaving you for your broher
Because he ****s me better"
His eyes filled with tears of sadness
His heart was filled with grief

To soothe himself he drank a pint of Old Granddad
And beat me like a side of beef
I screamed, "Send me back to the hills of Europe!"
He just shook his head and said, "Nope!
No one will ever leave me again
To make sure, put on this 3-foot ****ing rope."

Present day, I've been on the truck for 51 years
My only friend is the AM radio
Sometimes the neighborhood children stop by
But it's always rocks and beer bottles they throw

At first they're excited to see a talking goat
They gather around to hear what I have to say
But I guess sometimes my stories go ont too long
So they leave and giggle I need a bidet

But you know there was a night that I did get off the truck
When the Old Man was passed out drunk
Three neightborhood kids took me to a rock 'n roll concert
The kind of music, old-school funk
It was the first time I got off the truck
The music made me lose control

The lead singer asked if we were having fun
I said, "****ing crank that rock 'n roll!"
The women at the show were beautiful
As they danced sexily on the soft grass
One of them even petted my fur
**** me in the goat-ass!

Then some long-haired guys grabbed me by the horns
And threw me in the mosh pit
They passed me around and treated me nie
Till I nerviously sprayed them with ****
Then the music stopped
And everything was quite
And all the rock 'n rollers started a ****ing goat-riot

Kill the goat!
Kill the goat!
Kill the goat!
Kill the goat!

They chased me under the bleachers
They chased me onto the street
They chased me into an alley
And said I was a dead ****ing goat meat
But then I saw a sight
That I never thought I'd see

The Old Man swinging his hickory stick
But he wasn't swinging at me
"**** you, pot-smoking turkeys!
Don't you press your luck!"

The long hairs ran away screaming
As I scrambled onto the truck
When we got home, the Old Man said,
"Goat, you broke the sacred law
No! Please! Sorry! ****!
I'll let it go this time, but if you leave again
I'll break your ****ing jaw!"
Super! Great! Okay!

"Thank you Old Man, for saving my life
Thank you again and again
You could have let them barbeque me,
But you acted like a friend"

"I'm not your friend, I don't even like you
I'm just not drunk," he said
To prove his point, he drank a bottle of grain alcohol
And beat the ****ing **** out of my tailbone
And I'll probably never walk straight again

I guess you'd call me a scapegoat
A punching bag for the Old Man to mock
Just because his wife left him
For his brother's abnormally large cock

He could have been my buddy
But instead he's a crazy old ****
And, once again, I go to sleep in my eternal home
The back of the pick-up truck

Goodnight, Old Man!
Yeah, goodnight Goat!

[Bellman]

Radio comedian Linda Smith dies.

Broadcasters paid tribute earlier this week to a fine stand-up comic and radio personality who was voted the
'wittiest living person' by radio listners in 2002. Linda had been fighting ovarian cancer
for several years and died at the early age of 48.

She had a delightful jaundiced and surreal sense of humour and appeared in many leading shows including
the News Quiz, Just a minute and A Brief History of Timewasting. Her anecdotes included a hilarious account of
trying to estimate how much pasta to make with the aid of a spaghetti-measuring device.

She had an excellent eye for selecting the real press cuttings which were the final item in the News Quiz.
I remember one she read, she said, was from Mensa magazine :

A cutting from the South African Express - A Zimbwabian bus driver was transporting twenty mental patients
from Hirare to Bulawayo when he stopped for an illegal drink at a bar. On his return he found all the patients
had absconded. Fearing the sack, and not wishing to admit his failure, he looked for replacements
and seeing an queue at a bus stop he offered them a lift and a free ride. He filled the bus !

The unsuspecting passengers were duly delivered, within the walls of the mental institution, to a reception party
skilled in handling troublesome disturbed patients. The driver told the staff that they were very excitable
and prone to bizare behaviour !

They were skillfuly processed and delicately handled.............
It was three days before the mistake was discovered !.

A WISH IS GRANTED!



A boy with one good arm and one deformed and curled-up nub arm was tired of being picked on at school. Other kids would throw baseballs at him from his weak side kowing full well that his deformed arm would not be able to react to catch the ball which would in up hitting him in the face. People called him names and he began to feel like a freak. As the school year went on things just got worse for him and finally he broke down.

With tearful eyes and a snot bubble hanging from his nose he prayed, "God, I wish my arm was like the other one"...

SUDDENLY his good arm began to twist and bend and break and curl-up into another deformed arm!

[Bellman]

Swinging beam scatters MSPs.

A heavy oak roof beam came loose in the debating chamber of the Scottish Parliament forcing proceedings
to be cancelled. The 12 ft-long and 1 ft thick beam swung 20 ft above the Tory MSPs after breaking free of
one of its steel supporting sockets.

Members in the Holyrood building, which controversially cost 431 million pounds, were due to debate the importance of...
...........modern architecture to Scotland. :P

The Legend of the Voodoo Dick...




A man had to go on a long two week business trip with his company but did not want to leave his wife at home without some form of sexual entertainment. He decided to go down to one of the local adult novelty shops to see what types of dildos they had available...

SHOPKEEPER(Indian Voice): Welcome to the number 1 Adult Novelty shop. What can I do for you?

Man: I need to buy a dildo for my wife whom I will be leaving at home alone for a few weeks.

SHOPKEEPER(Indian Voice): You have come to the right place my friend. We have all sorts of dildos in stock. We have long, short, thick, narrow, studded, smooth, and ribbed.

Man: No, I need something different, something special.

SHOPKEEPER(Indian Voice): OHHH, you might want the special 'V.D. dildo' then.

Man: V.D.? Isn't that a sexually transmitted disease?...

SHOPKEEPER(Indian Voice):I just call it that because if you say its real name it comes to life and fecks anything you command it to.. Watch this...."Voodoo Dick the door"

The package on the counter opens up and the 'Voodoo Dick' flys across the room and starts to hammer the door.

Man: That's fecking awesome! I'll take it!!!


30 mins later...

Man: Honey, I'm home and I got something for you.

Wife: What did you bring me?

Man: It's a special dildo Honey!

Wife: What's so special about it?

Man: You can command it to feck anything you want. For example, "Voodoo Dick the pillow".

The Voodoo Dick flys out of it box and starts to hump the pillow.

Wife: (Jaw hits the floor) That's wonderful! Thanks for not leaving me at home without anything to do while you go on your trip!

Man: Your welcome, but now I have to leave. Have fun with your new toy Honey, I love you!

Wife: Love you too!

The man leaves the house on heads to the airport knowing full well that his wife will be happy while he is away.


Meanwhile back at the house....

Wife: "Voodoo Dick, my pu$$y!"

The 'Voodoo Dick' stops humping the pillow and fly straight up the woman's vagina and begins to ram her hard and deep.

Wife: Ewwww, YEeesssss, Ooooohhhh!


Eight Hourse later....


The wife has forgotten the special command to control the 'Voodoo Dick' and it continues to pound her hard. It's beginning to hurt her and she wants it to stop.

Wife: Ummm, 'Voodoo Dick Stop', 'Voodoo Dick go back to your box!' Why won't it stop? HOW DO I GET THIS THING TO STOP FECKING ME????!!!!???

Two hours later.....


Wife: Must......get......help....(Stumbles to her car as the 'Voodoo Dick' continues to hammer her insides)


Swerving down the road as the wife drove towards the hospital a cop thinks he's spotted a drunk driver and pulls over the car....


Cop: Had a little to much to drink tonight, mam?


Wife: No Officer, it's this 'Voodoo Dick' thing. It keeps fecking me and I can't get it to stop.

Cop: Yeah Right...."Voodoo Dick my a$$!"


WUHAHAHAHAH

[Bellman]

True Story:
During the IRA bombing campaign a branch of the Post Office hit the emergency button when a small brown
paper parcel emitted a strange buzzing sound. The sorting office was cleared and the Bomb Squad sent in an automatic
robot to pick up the suspicious item. Nothing doing - so the machine placed it on the counter where....
it began to hop about.

At this point the disposal team came to the conclusion that someone had posted an animal so the the addressee was
tracked down and asked to come down to the Post Office. An elderly lady appeared eventualy and although she
was most reluctant tp proceed the Squad insisted she open it in front of them so that they could complete their report.

She opened the parcel and out from the box sprang an exotic coloured multi surfaced bouncing.................
vibrator. Big guffaws - one beetroot faced lady.

'' Perhaps madam will pop it away for now....eh ? ''