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04-29-20, 06:59 AM | #1741 |
Chief of the Boat
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I recently got an alcohol tester fitted to my wallet to make sure I don’t drink too much when I’m driving. It’s a picture of my wife, when she starts looking good I know I’ve had too much.
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Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
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04-29-20, 02:13 PM | #1742 |
Fleet Admiral
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Why did the employees at the Department of Printing and Engraving go on strike?
They wanted to make less money per hour.
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abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right. |
04-29-20, 02:15 PM | #1743 |
Fleet Admiral
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My doctor asked me what I was using for birth control.
Just my personality, doctor.
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abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right. |
04-30-20, 12:42 AM | #1744 |
Sea Lord
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Reno Nevada USA
Posts: 1,860
Downloads: 85
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Years ago an old Texas cattleman told a young women the secret to longevity is to put a pinch of gunpowder in her oatmeal each morning. She finally died at age 103 and left behind 5 children, 14 grandchildren, 6 great grandchildren and a 40 foot crater where the crematorium used to be.
Magic
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Reported lost 11 Feb. 1942 Signature by depthtok33l |
04-30-20, 05:42 AM | #1745 |
Fleet Admiral
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About the year 2020, maybe we should just try putting it in rice?
__________________
abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right. |
04-30-20, 05:45 AM | #1746 |
Chief of the Boat
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Did you hear about the soldier who survived being attacked by mustard gas and pepper spray.
He’s now become a seasoned veteran.
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim) |
04-30-20, 06:41 AM | #1747 |
Fleet Admiral
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People are protesting about having to stay home
About 100,000,000 people did not have a problem staying home in November 2016
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abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right. |
05-01-20, 01:37 AM | #1748 |
CINC Pacific Fleet
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Down Under
Posts: 33,525
Downloads: 171
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Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans.
He loved them, but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would get married, he thought to himself, “She is such a sweet gentle girl, who would never go for this kind of carrying on.” So he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up the beans. Some months later, his car broke down on the way home from work. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way home, he passed a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than he could stand. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured that he could work off any ill effects from the beans by the time he reached home. So he stopped at the diner and before he knew it, he had consumed three large orders of baked beans and a pint of fresh buttermilk. All the way home he fizzed and fuzzed and rattled and put-putted. Upon arriving at home, he felt reasonably sure that he could control his gas. His wife seemed somewhat agitated and excited to see him and exclaimed delicately, “Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight.” She then blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the table. He seated himself, and she was just about to remove the blindfold when the phone rang. She made him promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned. She then went to answer the phone. The baked beans that he had consumed were still affecting him and the pressure was almost unbearable. So while his wife was out of the room, he seized the opportunity, shifted his weight on to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud and rattling, but it also smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. He took his napkin and fanned vigorously at the stale air around him. Shifting to the other cheek, he ripped off three more which reminded him of cabbage cooking. Keeping his ear tuned to the conversation in the other room, he went on like this for ten delightful minutes!!!! When the phone farewells signaled the end of his freedom, he fanned the air a few more times with his napkin, placed it in his lap and folded his hands upon it, and smiled contently to himself. His was the picture of innocence when his wife returned. Apologizing for taking so long she asked him if he peeked, which he assured her that he had not. At that point, she removed the blindfold and was he surprised!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish him a Happy Birthday!!!!!!
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Sub captains go down with their ship! |
05-01-20, 08:53 AM | #1749 |
Chief of the Boat
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Husband: “Honey I think your mum tried to have sex with me last night! ”
Wife: “That’s impossible, she’s on holiday!” Husband: “Oh ok, well maybe you should wear more makeup then!”
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim) |
05-01-20, 08:55 AM | #1750 |
Chief of the Boat
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My dad is obsessed with turning off lights and unplugging things which is why he’s just been fired from his job at air traffic control.
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim) |
05-02-20, 10:55 AM | #1751 |
Chief of the Boat
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After hours of thinking I’ve finally decided on my new years resolution…
1920 x 1080
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim) |
05-02-20, 01:23 PM | #1752 |
Dipped Squirrel Operative
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Shamelessly stole that:
The passengers watch nervously as two men wearing pilots’ uniforms and dark glasses use canes to feel their way into the cockpit. The plane starts barreling down the runway, and the passengers are beginning to get scared as the water at the end of the airstrip rapidly approaches. With only a few yards left, everyone in the cabin screams, but the plane lifts off just in time. The passengers all breathe a huge sigh of relief, while in the cockpit, the pilots high-five. “You know,” says one pilot to the other, “one day they’re gonna scream too late, and we’re all gonna die.”
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>^..^<*)))>{ All generalizations are wrong. |
05-02-20, 01:34 PM | #1753 |
Chief of the Boat
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^ I liked that
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim) |
05-03-20, 01:08 PM | #1754 |
Chief of the Boat
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I saw a naked man jogging in the snow the other day. I asked him what he was doing outdoors naked and he said it was because I was home early.
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim) |
05-03-20, 01:10 PM | #1755 |
Chief of the Boat
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Since my wife left me I’ve been left with a really big gap to fill.. She was quite fat and we had a memory foam mattress.
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim) |
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