The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

I recently got an alcohol tester fitted to my wallet to make sure I don’t drink too much when I’m driving. It’s a picture of my wife, when she starts looking good I know I’ve had too much.

[Platapus]

Why did the employees at the Department of Printing and Engraving go on strike?


They wanted to make less money per hour.

[Platapus]

My doctor asked me what I was using for birth control.


Just my personality, doctor.

[magic452]

Years ago an old Texas cattleman told a young women the secret to longevity is to put a pinch of gunpowder in her oatmeal each morning. She finally died at age 103 and left behind 5 children, 14 grandchildren, 6 great grandchildren and a 40 foot crater where the crematorium used to be.


Magic

[Platapus]

About the year 2020, maybe we should just try putting it in rice?

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the soldier who survived being attacked by mustard gas and pepper spray.

He’s now become a seasoned veteran.

[Platapus]

People are protesting about having to stay home


About 100,000,000 people did not have a problem staying home in November 2016

[Reece]

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans.
He loved them, but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.
Then one day he met a girl and fell in love.
When it became apparent that they would get married, he thought to himself,
“She is such a sweet gentle girl, who would never go for this kind of carrying on.”
So he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up the beans.
Some months later, his car broke down on the way home from work.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home.
On his way home, he passed a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than he could stand.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured that he could work off any ill effects from the beans by the time he reached home.
So he stopped at the diner and before he knew it, he had consumed three large orders of baked beans and a pint of fresh buttermilk.
All the way home he fizzed and fuzzed and rattled and put-putted.
Upon arriving at home, he felt reasonably sure that he could control his gas.
His wife seemed somewhat agitated and excited to see him and exclaimed delicately,
“Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight.”
She then blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the table.
He seated himself, and she was just about to remove the blindfold when the phone rang.
She made him promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned.
She then went to answer the phone.
The baked beans that he had consumed were still affecting him and the pressure was almost unbearable.
So while his wife was out of the room, he seized the opportunity, shifted his weight on to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud and rattling, but it also smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.
He took his napkin and fanned vigorously at the stale air around him.
Shifting to the other cheek, he ripped off three more which reminded him of cabbage cooking.
Keeping his ear tuned to the conversation in the other room, he went on like this for ten delightful minutes!!!!
When the phone farewells signaled the end of his freedom, he fanned the air a few more times with his napkin, placed it in his lap and folded his hands upon it, and smiled contently to himself.
His was the picture of innocence when his wife returned.
Apologizing for taking so long she asked him if he peeked, which he assured her that he had not.
At that point, she removed the blindfold and was he surprised!!
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish him a Happy Birthday!!!!!!

[Jimbuna]

Husband: “Honey I think your mum tried to have sex with me last night! ”
Wife: “That’s impossible, she’s on holiday!”
Husband: “Oh ok, well maybe you should wear more makeup then!”

[Jimbuna]

My dad is obsessed with turning off lights and unplugging things which is why he’s just been fired from his job at air traffic control.

[Jimbuna]

After hours of thinking I’ve finally decided on my new years resolution…

1920 x 1080

[Catfish]

Shamelessly stole that:

The passengers watch nervously as two men wearing pilots’ uniforms and dark glasses use canes to feel their way into the cockpit.

The plane starts barreling down the runway, and the passengers are beginning to get scared as the water at the end of the airstrip rapidly approaches.
With only a few yards left, everyone in the cabin screams, but the plane lifts off just in time.
The passengers all breathe a huge sigh of relief, while in the cockpit, the pilots high-five.

“You know,” says one pilot to the other, “one day they’re gonna scream too late, and we’re all gonna die.”

[Jimbuna]

^ I liked that

[Jimbuna]

I saw a naked man jogging in the snow the other day. I asked him what he was doing outdoors naked and he said it was because I was home early.

[Jimbuna]

Since my wife left me I’ve been left with a really big gap to fill.. She was quite fat and we had a memory foam mattress.