The joke thread - Page 116

BossMark · 04-04-12, 02:54 AM

Murphy: Here's the hundred Euros that I borrowed from you last month.
Paddy: Thanks Murphy!, I forgot about it till this moment.
Murphy: Why the hell didn't you say so?!

Jimbuna · 04-04-12, 07:33 AM

I'm really worried about my Parrot.
He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".

My room-mate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.

BossMark · 04-05-12, 05:08 AM

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read… Main entrance.

Kapitän Schneider · 04-05-12, 06:10 AM

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

BossMark · 04-05-12, 10:09 AM

It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store’s opening time, in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curses. On the man’s second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line…

“That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won’t open the store!

Jimbuna · 04-05-12, 10:13 AM

My wife was horrified when the cops called to our house today.

It meant she was going to have to share those donuts after making them a cup of tea.

Jimbuna · 04-05-12, 10:52 AM

One winter morning a husband and wife in Northern Colorado were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, " We're going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through".

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they were having breakfast again, the radio announcer said
"We're expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through".

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says,
"We're expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today and ------" Just then the electricity went off.

The wife had a worried look on her face when she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through".

With love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

BossMark · 04-05-12, 12:26 PM

A man was walking at mid-night on the road adjacent to the graveyard. It was very dark. He was looking left and right and one could say that he was very nervous. He saw another man walking a little ahead of him and increased his pace so that he could catch up with him for company till he crosses the graveyard.

He said to him, "It looks very scary here. Hope there are no ghosts over here."

The other man replied, "I guess not. I have been living here since I died twenty years ago and haven't seen one yet."

Kapitän Schneider · 04-05-12, 01:08 PM

I went to the pub last night, there was a fat girl dancing on a table. I walked past and said "Amazing legs." The girl giggled and said with a smile "Do you really think so" I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now."

BossMark · 04-06-12, 01:30 AM

A con’s wife goes to the jail and tells the warden:
Sir, please offer my husband an easier job in jail, he didn’t kill nobody!
Miss, he’s only washing the dishes, why is that so hard?
The idiot told me he has to dig a tunnel!

Sailor Steve · 04-06-12, 01:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kapitän Schneider

I went to the pub last night, there was a fat girl dancing on a table. I walked past and said "Amazing legs." The girl giggled and said with a smile "Do you really think so" I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now."

You might want to actually read some of the other posts before you copy and paste.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jimbuna

Went to the pub last night and there was a fat bird dancing on a table ...

I walked past and said "amazing legs"

She giggled and said "do you really think so"?

"Absolutely" I replied. " most tables would have collapsed by now!"

BossMark · 04-06-12, 01:49 AM

A kid was crying sitting outside his house. A passer by asked:
Why are you crying?
Kid: My parents are fighting inside the house.
Passer By: Who is your dad?
Kid: That is what the fight is about.

Kapitän Schneider · 04-06-12, 04:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sailor Steve

You might want to actually read some of the other posts before you copy and paste.

Don't complain, just be grateful for the contribution. Even if it has been posted.

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Spaniard are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Spaniard. "They must be Spanish."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They’re naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

No clothes, no shelter," the Brit points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise. They are British."

BossMark · 04-06-12, 05:19 AM

Not sure whether this as been posted or not (without looking through all the thread

and it is nearly pub time

)

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgement!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Oh bugger! THAT'S the word!”

Jimbuna · 04-06-12, 05:38 AM

I went to a man's house to buy a car.

I said, "Everything seems fine. Mind if I take it for a spin round the block?"

"No problem," he replied.

He laid a brick on the floor, and I screamed, "NEEEEEOOOOOWWWWW" as I drove round it.

"It's perfect. I'll take it," I said, handing over twenty quid.

I probably paid over the odds, but there were only 50 of those Lego cars ever made.

04-04-12, 02:54 AM	#1726
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Murphy: Here's the hundred Euros that I borrowed from you last month. Paddy: Thanks Murphy!, I forgot about it till this moment. Murphy: Why the hell didn't you say so?! __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-04-12, 07:33 AM	#1727
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,405 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I'm really worried about my Parrot. He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life". My room-mate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

04-05-12, 05:08 AM	#1728
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS. He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES. The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read… Main entrance. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-05-12, 06:10 AM	#1729
Kapitän Schneider Engineer Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: England Posts: 215 Downloads: 34 Uploads: 0	A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!" __________________ The victorious strategist only seeks battle, after the victory has been won. Also known as Brandenburger and Zirran elsewhere.

04-05-12, 10:09 AM	#1730
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store’s opening time, in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curses. On the man’s second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line… “That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won’t open the store! __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-05-12, 10:13 AM	#1731
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,405 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My wife was horrified when the cops called to our house today. It meant she was going to have to share those donuts after making them a cup of tea. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

04-05-12, 10:52 AM	#1732
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,405 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	One winter morning a husband and wife in Northern Colorado were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, " We're going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through". So the good wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they were having breakfast again, the radio announcer said "We're expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through". The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We're expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today and ------" Just then the electricity went off. The wife had a worried look on her face when she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through". With love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?" __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

04-05-12, 12:26 PM	#1733
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A man was walking at mid-night on the road adjacent to the graveyard. It was very dark. He was looking left and right and one could say that he was very nervous. He saw another man walking a little ahead of him and increased his pace so that he could catch up with him for company till he crosses the graveyard. He said to him, "It looks very scary here. Hope there are no ghosts over here." The other man replied, "I guess not. I have been living here since I died twenty years ago and haven't seen one yet." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-05-12, 01:08 PM	#1734
Kapitän Schneider Engineer Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: England Posts: 215 Downloads: 34 Uploads: 0	I went to the pub last night, there was a fat girl dancing on a table. I walked past and said "Amazing legs." The girl giggled and said with a smile "Do you really think so" I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now." __________________ The victorious strategist only seeks battle, after the victory has been won. Also known as Brandenburger and Zirran elsewhere.

04-06-12, 01:30 AM	#1735
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A con’s wife goes to the jail and tells the warden: Sir, please offer my husband an easier job in jail, he didn’t kill nobody! Miss, he’s only washing the dishes, why is that so hard? The idiot told me he has to dig a tunnel! __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-06-12, 01:49 AM	#1737
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A kid was crying sitting outside his house. A passer by asked: Why are you crying? Kid: My parents are fighting inside the house. Passer By: Who is your dad? Kid: That is what the fight is about. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-06-12, 05:19 AM	#1739
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Not sure whether this as been posted or not (without looking through all the thread and it is nearly pub time ) "Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement. "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve. "But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!" "I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor." "Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgement!" So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. "Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me." "Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised." Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Oh bugger! THAT'S the word!” __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-06-12, 05:38 AM	#1740
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,405 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I went to a man's house to buy a car. I said, "Everything seems fine. Mind if I take it for a spin round the block?" "No problem," he replied. He laid a brick on the floor, and I screamed, "NEEEEEOOOOOWWWWW" as I drove round it. "It's perfect. I'll take it," I said, handing over twenty quid. I probably paid over the odds, but there were only 50 of those Lego cars ever made. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!