The joke thread

[BossMark]

Dude walks into a pharmacy laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. The pharmacist is perplexed but doesn't give it a second thought. The next day the same guy walks in laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing.

The pharmacist remembers the day before and starts to wonder what's up but not for too long because he has work to do.The next day the same guy walks in laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. Now the pharmacist is intrigued as to what is going on with this guy so he arranges with his assistant to follow the guy and find out where he is going, should the man return.

Wouldn't you know it, The same guy comes back the next day, laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing.

The assistant followed him as per his orders and came back 20 minutes later. The eager pharmacist asked his assistant where the man went? The assistant said:

"Your house."

[Jimbuna]

An English, Irish and Scottish man were arguing on the hospital ward who was the most careless.

The English guy said, "I'm the most careless, this morning I ramped a pavement and went head on into a wall, totally writing my car off, and now I have to wear this neck brace."

"Wow that is careless." Said the Scottish man, "Not as careless as me though. This morning I drove straight through a red light and into the side of a van. My car is a write off and I've fractured my shoulder."

"That is careless." Said the Irish man, "Not as careless as me though. This morning I took a corner too fast, spiraled out of control, went straight into a lamppost and broke both of my legs."

"That is careless." Said the English man, "But what happened to your car?"
"What car?" Replied the Irish man, "I was walking."

[BossMark]

The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.”

“What is it, child?”

The girl said, “Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.”

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, “My dear, I have good news. That isn’t a sin - it’s only a mistake.”

[Jimbuna]

Saw an advert in the paper which read "Wife Wanted" it had received hundreds of responses, all from men saying "You can have mine".

[BossMark]

When Mr.. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening one day after he’d lost his wife scuba diving, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen. “We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your wife.”

“Well…tell me!” he demanded.

The policeman said, “We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkins said, “Give me the bad news first.”

So the policeman said, “I’m sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wife’s body this morning in San Francisco Bay.”

“OH MY GOD!,” said Mr. Wilkins, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, “What’s the good news?”

“Well,” said the policeman, “When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crabs on her.”

“Huh?” he said, not understanding. “So, what’s the great news?”

The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning.”

[Jimbuna]

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

[BossMark]

Wife woke up her husband in the middle of the night and told him, "Dear, there seems to be a burglar in the house. Wake up."
But her husband refused to go out and investigate.
Wife: "Why are you scared? I thought you were brave when you married me"
Husband: "Well yes, that's what my friends said too."

[Jimbuna]

Tesco has announced 20,000 new jobs are to be created in the UK.

Poland's Prime Minister has welcomed the news.

[BossMark]

I was driving home the other night and stopped to pick up a hitch-hiker. As we
travelled along, my passenger noticed a brown paper bag on the back seat. "What
do you have in that bag" asked the man. "It's a fine bottle of wine for my wife".
He replied "Excellent swap".

[Jimbuna]

I was cleaning my house today. I always find it strange what
things you find that you forgot you even had.

Like my kids.

[BossMark]

My wife has never really thought much of me. Only the other night she turned to
me and said "Mark, do you know that you are stopping some small village
having an idiot".

[Jimbuna]

BBC news: "Australia deports British rapist"

and that ladies and gentlemen, is the definition of irony.

[BossMark]

My wife greeted me as I entered the house. I had been drinking so there was the
smell of lager on my breath and unknown to me, also some lipstick on my shirt
collar. "I hope that you have an extremely good reason for rolling in at seven in
the morning" she bellowed. "Of course I do "I replied "I want some breakfast".

[Jimbuna]

A tennis ball walks into a bar.

The barman says, "Have you been served?"

[BossMark]

My wife and I were having a difference of opinion the other day. After about ten
minutes, she turned to me and uttered " But darling, if I were to agree with what
you say, then we would both be in the wrong".