The joke thread II - Page 106

Jimbuna · 02-25-20, 09:24 AM

Someone crashed my car earlier today. I found a note on the windshield that said:

“Sorry, I reversed into your car. Loads of people saw me do it so I decided to leave you this note. They think I’m leaving you my name and address but I’m not. Good luck with the repairs.”

Jimbuna · 02-25-20, 09:29 AM

Boss: Do you believe in life after death?
Employee: Yes!!
Boss: That’s good, because after you left early yesterday for your grandmother’s funeral she came into the office looking for you.

Jimbuna · 02-26-20, 08:34 AM

Ladies please be careful when drinking tea. I found out last night that tea is more dangerous than alcohol. I came home at 4am after having 12 pints of beer and my wife who stayed at home drinking tea was really angry and violent.

Jimbuna · 02-26-20, 08:35 AM

I cant believe some people. You give someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and then suddenly she’s not friends with you any more.

Jimbuna · 02-27-20, 07:47 AM

Jimbuna · 02-27-20, 07:52 AM

If you want a promotion walk into your office and shout “Vodka, tequila, sambuca!” at the top of your voice.

This will make you the person who calls the shots.

Jimbuna · 02-27-20, 08:01 AM

Accordion to research 9 out of 10 people are so dumb they don’t even notice when you replace a word with a musical instrument.

Platapus · 02-27-20, 05:34 PM

My father went to a strange doctor for his rash.

The doctor prescribed that he apply lard all over his body

All I know is that my father went down hill pretty fast after that.

Jimbuna · 02-28-20, 07:31 AM

We gave our granddad the nickname ‘Spiderman’,

He hasn’t got any super powers, he just finds it difficult to get out of the bath.

Jimbuna · 02-28-20, 07:34 AM

Made a taxi driver really angry tonight.

Told him to drive me home in reverse and now he owes me £16.20.

Jimbuna · 02-29-20, 07:51 AM

My cooking is awful.

Does anyone know how much vodka you’re supposed to add to cheese-on-toast?

Jimbuna · 02-29-20, 07:53 AM

I went to the doctors earlier today with hearing problems.

He said “Can u describe the symptoms?”

I said “Homers a fat guy and Marge has blue hair”

Jimbuna · 03-01-20, 11:03 AM

Dad: Hi son, what has 4 legs and doesn’t breathe?
Son: Haha you can’t fool me, it’s a chair!
Dad: No you’re wrong.. Our dog has died!

Jimbuna · 03-01-20, 11:06 AM

Was playing charades last night and my uncle suffered a stroke! Unfortunately it took quite a while to phone an ambulance because we were all shouting “Sylvester Stallone! Sylvester Stallone!”

Jimbuna · 03-02-20, 08:52 AM

What’s the difference between a candle and a hot curry?

A candle only burns at one end.

02-25-20, 09:24 AM	#1576
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 185,366 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Someone crashed my car earlier today. I found a note on the windshield that said: “Sorry, I reversed into your car. Loads of people saw me do it so I decided to leave you this note. They think I’m leaving you my name and address but I’m not. Good luck with the repairs.” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

02-25-20, 09:29 AM	#1577
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 185,366 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Boss: Do you believe in life after death? Employee: Yes!! Boss: That’s good, because after you left early yesterday for your grandmother’s funeral she came into the office looking for you. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

02-26-20, 08:34 AM	#1578
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 185,366 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Ladies please be careful when drinking tea. I found out last night that tea is more dangerous than alcohol. I came home at 4am after having 12 pints of beer and my wife who stayed at home drinking tea was really angry and violent. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

02-26-20, 08:35 AM	#1579
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 185,366 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I cant believe some people. You give someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and then suddenly she’s not friends with you any more. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

02-27-20, 07:47 AM	#1580
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 185,366 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	__________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

02-27-20, 07:52 AM	#1581
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 185,366 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	If you want a promotion walk into your office and shout “Vodka, tequila, sambuca!” at the top of your voice. This will make you the person who calls the shots. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

02-27-20, 08:01 AM	#1582
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 185,366 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Accordion to research 9 out of 10 people are so dumb they don’t even notice when you replace a word with a musical instrument. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

02-27-20, 05:34 PM	#1583
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,163 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	My father went to a strange doctor for his rash. The doctor prescribed that he apply lard all over his body All I know is that my father went down hill pretty fast after that. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

02-28-20, 07:31 AM	#1584
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 185,366 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	We gave our granddad the nickname ‘Spiderman’, He hasn’t got any super powers, he just finds it difficult to get out of the bath. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

02-28-20, 07:34 AM	#1585
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 185,366 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Made a taxi driver really angry tonight. Told him to drive me home in reverse and now he owes me £16.20. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

02-29-20, 07:51 AM	#1586
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 185,366 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My cooking is awful. Does anyone know how much vodka you’re supposed to add to cheese-on-toast? __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

02-29-20, 07:53 AM	#1587
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 185,366 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I went to the doctors earlier today with hearing problems. He said “Can u describe the symptoms?” I said “Homers a fat guy and Marge has blue hair” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

03-01-20, 11:03 AM	#1588
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 185,366 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Dad: Hi son, what has 4 legs and doesn’t breathe? Son: Haha you can’t fool me, it’s a chair! Dad: No you’re wrong.. Our dog has died! __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

03-01-20, 11:06 AM	#1589
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 185,366 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Was playing charades last night and my uncle suffered a stroke! Unfortunately it took quite a while to phone an ambulance because we were all shouting “Sylvester Stallone! Sylvester Stallone!” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

03-02-20, 08:52 AM	#1590
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 185,366 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	What’s the difference between a candle and a hot curry? A candle only burns at one end. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)